THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS 
CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL  BOTTLES

 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think
 you are whispering when you are not.

 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in 
dancing like an asshole.

 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay 
shings like thish.

 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the 
morning.

 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering 
what the hell happened to your pants.

 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember).

 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that 
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy named Bubba.

 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you 
are invisible.

 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the 
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of 
time may seem to literally disappear."

 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Rosie Ladeau Sends:

A teacher was going over some vocabulary words with her 2nd grade class.
She asked them to use the word "beautiful" in a sentence.

Sally:  "I see the beautiful flower."

Teacher:  "Very good!  Billy?"

Billy:  "I see a beautiful cloud in the beautiful sky."

Teacher:  "Excellent!  Johnny?"

Little Johnny's big sister in high school came home last night and
told her parents she was in love and 2 months pregnant.

Johnny: (pause) "BEAUTIFUL!  FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Cynthia Smith is back with:
Hello again!  I thought this one might give your "older" readers a
chuckle...
**  Older "readers" hell!  How 'bout "older" list publisher?
Watch it with this *OLD* stuff GF...yer cruisin'!

Old and new concerns for people of the baby boom generation:

Then:  Long hair.
Now:   Longing for hair.

Then:  Keg
Now:   EKG.

Then:  Acid rock
Now:   Acid reflux.

Then:  Moving to California because it's cool.
Now:   Moving to California because it's hot.

Then:  You're growing pot.
Now:   Your growing pot.

Then:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now:   Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then:  Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now:   Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then:  Seeds and stems.
Now:   Roughage.

Then:  Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now:   Popping joints.

Then:  Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now:   Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then:  Paar.
Now:   AARP.

Then:  Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now:   Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then:  Killer weed.
Now:   Weed killer.

Then:  Hoping for a BMW.
Now:   Hoping for a BM.

Then:  The Grateful Dead.
Now:   Dr. Kevorkian.

Then:  Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now:   Getting a new hip joint.

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Randi Sends:

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began
questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past
brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered
prime suspects. They were a motley crew:

-The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was
never charged.

-The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another
man one time.

-The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still
claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.

-The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

-The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was
known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

-The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.

-The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who
subsequently confessed.  The evidence against him was
irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he
died, was hammered.


There were these two twins Joe and John.  Joe was the owner of a
dilapidated boat.  It just so happened John's wife died the same day
Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistaking Joe for
John stated, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss.  You must feel just
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about the boat, said "Hell no, in fact
I'm kinda glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning.

Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She
had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
to.  Every time I used her, her hole got a little bigger and she 
leaked like crazy.  I guess what finally finished her off was when I 
rented her to four guys looking for a good time.

I warned them she wasn't very good but they wanted to use her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at once and she split
right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

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Jimbo Sends:

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to 
the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. 

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"



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Sonya Sends:

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

** It is not! That's because they're mine, so there!  I could give
one to you because I have three, then I'd have two and you'd have
one, too...
but I don't want to :p

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Mike King Sends:

A bus stops and two Italians get on.  They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation.  The lady siting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men saying the following:

"Emma come first.  Den I come.  Two asses, they come together.  I
come again.  Two asses, they come again.  I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a-more".

"You foul-mouthed Italian swine retorted the lady indignantly.  In
this country we do n't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  I'ma just tella my friend howa
to spella Mississippi!


There were these five pigs. The first two went into a bar. The
bartender asked, "What will you have?" They said five beers. They 
drank them, and asked, "Where is your bathroom?" The bartender said
down the hall.

Then the next two pigs came in the bar. "What will you have?" said
the bartender. "What did our two brothers have?" The bartender said
five beers. "We'll have ten beers." They drank them. They asked,
"Where is your bathroom?" "Down the hall."  

The last pig came in to the bar.  "What do you want?" 

"What did my brothers have?" The bartender said the first two had
five beers, the second two had ten beers.  The lone pig said, "Give
me fifteen beers."  He drank them and started eating the peanuts off
the bar. 

The bartender said, "Don't you need the bathroom?"  

The lone pig said, "No I'm the one that goes 'wee wee wee' all
the way home."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Alicia J. Jaquet finally rolled in and tells us what she's been
up to:

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Lady's Club."  One
of my girlfriends wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it
on his butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a  $50
bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $50, and puts it on his
other cheek.

Now the attention is focused on me.  What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute..... then the banker in me
took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed
the 60 bucks, and went home.



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Money4nuthin Sends:

Want to make $$$$ fast? This is the most incredibly easy
way to do it!  There's no investment to make, nothing to buy, 
no selling, no recruiting and best of all it's absolutely FREE!

Follow this simple program and you too will be making $$$$ fast!

1.  Hold down the shift key.
2.  Hit the 4 key four times.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Truehartj Sends:

A Test for You:

You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise it
won't work.

 It's really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!!

 First, get a pen and paper.

 Second, write the numbers one through six.

 Next to number one, write any number...

 Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are
 really attracted...

 Next to three, write down the first color you can think of...

 Next to number four, write the name of your first pet...

 Next to number five and six write down the name of a family
 member...

 Remember...no cheating...

**     <<==  Insert Extraneous Scrolling... grrr

 Keep scrolling down...

**     <<==  Insert More Extraneous Scrolling... grrrrrr

 Don't cheat, or you'll be upset...

**     <<==  Insert Even More Asinine, Extraneous Scrolling...
              grrrrrrrrrrr

 Here's the answers...

**  Get bent... I already trashed the MF   :)

The number next to number one shows how many times you should 
be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid
e-mails like this actually mean anything...

The person named next to number two is someone who will never
sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your
time on  something  like this...

The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for
Christ sake...

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal...

Numbers five and six represent family members who are
embarrassed to be related to you...

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a
schmuck too.


The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite
TV Character is Gay

13> Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells
   guys to "sit on it."

12> If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like
    "homosexual."

11> Popeye:  Vegetarian.  Bodybuilder.  Dresses like one of the 
    Village People.  "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts.  You 
    connect the dots, Chester.

10> Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole
    that they wrap themselves around and slide down which
    strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber
    suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.

9> Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much
    about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.

8> "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked
    opewa-wuving wabbit!"

7> Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is
    openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by
    "Bill" and smoke cigars.

6> That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" 
    is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy 
    named Bill.

5> Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses?  C'mon!

4> Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name
    whenever Norm walks into the bar.

3> The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read,
    "He bites eel butt."

2> "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"

            Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell 
           Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...

1> David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an 
    erection.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

lonette Sends:

(Saw this on a greeting card!)

A statement from President Clinton, announced that after surviving
such a traumatic scandal, the White House will only be accepting new
interns from three major universities:  Oral Roberts, Moorehead, and
Bringham Young.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Jaymz Sends:

       Lena passed away and Ole called 911.  The 911 operator told Ole
that she would send someone out right away.  "Where do you live?," asked
the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."  The operator
asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally
Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
der?" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Truhartj Sends:

The Top 15 Rejected State of the Union
Speech Opening Lines

 15> "Four whores and several interns ago..."
 14> "Very funny. Now would all you Republicans please get rid of those
          berets and cigars?"
 13> "Y'know, if I shot all of y'all, my approval rating would be 99%."
 12> "Dear Congressional Record. I never thought I'd write to you with a
          letter like this, but..."
 11> "You're probably wondering where my pants are..."
 10> "Okay, I shagged her.  I shagged her rotten, baby!"
   9> "Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come
         up here and kiss my pasty white ass."
   8> "Members of Congress, I feel you're a pain."
   7> "I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber.  But
         seriously, folks..."
   6> "First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec
         Baldwin."
   5> "Whoa!  I've been sleepwalking the last three years!  I hope I
         didn't do anything embarrassing!"
   4> "(Psssst!  Al!  Fourth row, third from the left-you can see right
          up her skirt!)"
   3> "Acquit me, or the stock market gets it."
   2> "This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now
         come to order.  Ha, ha!  Just kidding, people."

 and The Number 1 Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Line...

  1> "I'm not under oath, am I?"


ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
 A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

 ON PROBLEM SOLVING
 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
 resemble a nail.       -- Abraham Maslow

 ON MATERIALISM
 He who dies with the most toys, is still dead.

 ON ECONOMICS
 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

 ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
 someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
 top.   --English Professor, Ohio University

 ON POETIC LOVE
 When you're swimmin' in the creek
 And an eel bites your cheek
 That's a moray!
        -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

 ON MODERNISM
 Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
 with brightly colored machine tools.

 Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: One

 ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
 Character density:
      The number of very weird people in the office.

 ON EXTINCTION
 Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

 ON LITERATURE
 This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be
thrown with great force.      -- Dorothy Parker

 ON HUMILITY
 To err is human,
 to moo bovine.

 ON PROPHECY
 The meek shall inherit the earth
 ---they are too weak to refuse.

 ON NUMBERS
 Grabel's Law:
 2 is not equal to 3 --- not even for very large values of 2.

 ON WORLD POLITICS
 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a
 rock.

 ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
 There are two major products to come out of Berkeley:  LSD and
UNIX.     We don't believe this to be a coincidence.



One day Barbara Walters was doing a special on the customs of the 
American Indians. After touring a reservation, she asked her guide about 
the difference in the number of feathers in various men's headdresses.

"Me only have one feather because me only have one squaw," was the 
brave's explanation. 

Thinking that this was a joke, Ms. Walters put the question to another
brave, who said, "Ugh. Me only have four feathers because me only have
four squaws."

Somewhat perturbed, Ms. Walters decided to interview the chief. "Why 
are there so many feathers in your headdress?" she asked.

"Me chief, so me fuck 'em all---big, small, short, tall, me fuck 'em all."

Ms. Walters was horrified. "You ought to be hung!"

"You damn right," said the chief. "Me hung like buffalo."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile!"

"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style. Me fuck 'em all."

Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear..."

"No deer," said the chief. "Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast.
Me no fuck deer."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

CyZolar@aol.com Sends:

Letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At
any rate I have finished converting the company calendars so
that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

'I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.' 
- David Dinkins, (Ex-) New York City Mayor, answering why he failed to pay
his
taxes.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

tom@ruh.com Sends:

We're gettin close to that time again...

"How To Pay Your Tax Bill."

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment.  Please
take note of the attached article from the USA Today
newspaper.  In the article, you will see that the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400)
and six hammers (value $1,029).  This brings my total
payment to $3,429.00.  Please note the overpayment
of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return.

Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned
fund a "1.5 inch screw".  (See attached article...HUD
paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and
I look forward to paying it again next year.  I just saw
an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers".


 WHY BLOKES LIKE BEING BLOKES.

     >Football.
     >Understanding football (any football!)
     >A five day holiday requires one overnight bag.
     >Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
     >Queues for the bathroom don't exist.
     >You can open all your own jars.
     >When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at
      every shot of someone crying.
     >All your orgasms are real.
     >You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.
     >You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
     >When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't
      secretly hate you.
     >You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
     >Nobody wonders if you swallow.
     >You never have to clean a toilet.
     >You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
     >You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
     >Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
     >Wedding plans take care of themselves.
     >If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they
      forgot to invite you.  It doesn't mean that they hate you, and he or
      she can still be your friend.
     >You don't have to shave below your neck.
     >None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
     >You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
     >If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
     >You can write your name in the snow.
     >Biological clock?  What's that?
     >Chocolate is just another snack.
     >Flowers fix everything.
     >You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
     >You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
     >You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
     >Reverse parking is easy
     >Foreplay is optional.
     >Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
     >Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.
     >You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
     >You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.  In
      fact you encourage them.
     >Car mechanics tell you the truth.
     >You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
     >You can quietly watch a game on TV with a buddy for hours without
      ever thinking he's mad at you.
     >You never look at the size of a baby's head and cringe.
     >The whole world is your urinal.
     >Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
     >One mood, all the time.
     >Same work, More pay!
     >Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
     >The remote control is yours and yours alone.
     >No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
     >People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
     >You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
     >You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
     >If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
      your other friends and they won't try and work out what the problem
      is.
     >Someday you'll be a dirty old man.  And you're looking forward to it.
     >You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the
      mood.
     >Dieting involves getting regular sized fries with your burger.
     >Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind.
     >You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
     >Not liking a person doesn't exclude having great sex with them.
     >Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so..., notice
      anything different?"
     >Farts are funny
     >Baywatch.


The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too
open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.  He got out and crawled underneath as
if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his
pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his
lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his
pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his
eyes shut and replied,  "What?" He heard, "This is the police.  What's
going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the
reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down
there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school wit a black eye. His father
see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to
fight with the other boys?" 

But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We
all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of
her 
butt. I reached over and pulled it out. Thats when she hit me! 

"Johnny, you don't do those kind of things to women. Sure enough, the 
very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" 

"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in
church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us
had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to
me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't
like this, so I pushed it back in!" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is
definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or
orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in
the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class
stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified
and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my
pants..."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Eternal Jewish Truths of Your Grandmother's Talmud:

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's

No one looks good in a yarmulke.

Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?

Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

WASPs leave and never say good-bye.  Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.

Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

There's nothing like a good belch.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.

Never pay retail.

It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves
with a hangover.

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don't eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

The most important word to know in any language is sale.

Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.

Next year in Jerusalem.  The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants 
and white shoes for pinochle.

A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up 
and tell his mother he's an adult.  This usually happens at 
around age 45.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.

Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying  someone who
isn't Jewish.

If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

What business is a yenta in?  Yours.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking
spot at the mall.
  
Prozac is like chicken soup:  it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you
feel better.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.

Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.


The Parrot with no legs.


>A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating
>anymore and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might
>help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders
>down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.  Surprised, he
>mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my
>penis, dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for
a
>parrot." The parrot says, "Yes, thank you... I'm a very well educated
>parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you
>wish." The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
>The parrot replies, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots, you
>know. If you offer the proprietor $2 or me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
>The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. Every day
>when he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this,
>the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so. But then one day
the
>guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says,
"Come
>in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I
don't
>know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered
>the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy
>says, "Oh, just a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Then he
>fondled her breasts." The guy says, "He did?" "Yep," says the parrot.
"Then
>he took off her negligee and started sucking on her breasts." The guy
>exclaims, "My God, what happened next???" The parrot says, "I don't know.
I
>got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"



Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to
> their separate hotel rooms.
> The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.  His depression
is
> enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE,
> TWO,
> THREE...UUH!" all night long.  In the morning, the second dwarf asks the
> first, "How did it go?" The  first whispered back, "It was so
> embarrassing.
> I simply couldn't  get an erection."
> The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he
said.
> "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Here are definitions of language that are found among the over 5,000
definitions in Quinn's Devious Dictionary.

AMBIGUITY, n. [1] the lack of clarity in speech -- or, perhaps,
something else; [2] the language of politics and statesmanship

DICTIONARY, n. [1] the only place where: (a) divorce comes before
marriage, and (b) success comes before work; [2] a malevolent literary
device for cramping the growth of language and making it hard and
inelastic.  This dictionary, however, is a more useful work {Ambrose
Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary}

HUMOR, n. [1] a feat, after the invention of language, which is
man's proudest achievement

ITALIC, n. [1] the language spoken by ancient Italians

KANGAROO, n. [1] is actually "what did you say?" in the language of
the Australian natives. {Captain Cook's mistake}

KINDNESS, n. [1] a language that the dumb can speak and the deaf can
hear

LANGUAGE, n. [1] the most important form of intercourse practiced by
man -- next to sex; [2] a system which was developed to allow humanity
to complain without killing or maiming.

LINGUIST, n. [1] a talented fellow who has mastered the ability to
make mistakes in more than one language; [2] a person who can be
misunderstood in many languages

LOVE, n. [1] the most slippery word in the human language -- used by
knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the
female of the species

OFFICIALESE, n. [1] a  government language where you can understand
the words, but not the sentences

PHILOSOPHY, n. [1] a system of labeling and redefining our language to
allow us to rescue the absurd

POET(S) n. [1] an individual so in love with language who can, for the
sake of art, survive any hardship -- except a misprint

RIOT, n. [1] the language of the unheard

SLANDER, n. [1] to lie about someone -- or tell the truth

SLANG, n. [1] a language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands,
and goes to work; [2] the one stream of poetry which is continually
flowing outward

SLOGAN, n. [1] a good old American substitute for the facts; [2] our
modern commercial replacement for quality; [3] a politician's banner,
often changed, but always held high above the voters brains

SPECIALIST, n. [1] a learned person who can name a horse in nine
langu- ages and buys a cow to ride

YIDDISH, n. [1] a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek;
[2] the rich traditional language of organized complaint

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

GONZALL@novachem.com Sends:

Little Black Sponge

One day Little Bobby walked in the bathroom while his mommy was
having a shower.

Little Bobby asked: Mommy, Mommy what's that? (Pointing to her patch)

Mommy said: Well Bobby, that's my little black sponge.

Bobby said: Oh. 

A few hours later while Mommy was watching TV, Little Bobby asked: 
Mommy, Mommy where's you little sponge?

I don't know. Replied Mommy. Well I'll go find it!! Said Little Bobby.

Many minutes later Little Bobby came running in the house yelling proudly
"Mommy, Mommy I found your little black sponge!

You did? Said Mommy.

Little Bobby: Yah! The neighbour lady's using it to wash Daddy's face!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



MsPALA3479@aol.com  Sends:

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand 
as he set the man's broken leg. 

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." 

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." 

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on 
the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's 
beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was 
anything I wanted. 

I said, "No, everything is fine." 

"Are you sure?" she asked. 

"I'm sure," I said. 

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. 
"I reckon not," I replied. 

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned 
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

chad.hasselius@mankato.msus.edu Sends:

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most
sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an
outfit. "This is $200," she says. 

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." 

"I want it even more sheer than that." 

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." 

"I'll take it!" 

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on
and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box
and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even
notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he
won't know the difference." 

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top
of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. 

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing." 


Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once
a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:   "I don't fucking think so."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

SUEDEKUM@webtv.net (Robbie Suedekum) Sends:

Q: How can you tell that a pollock is at a chicken fight?
A: He brings a duck.

Q: How can you tell that an Italian is at a chicken fight?
A: He bets on the duck.

Q: How can you tell that the Mafia is at a chicken fight?
A: The duck wins.  

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Ms. Bella" latincutie@hotmail.com (and her whip) Sends:

I'm translating this from Spanish, so if you don't think it's funny
you probably just don't get it.

An extremely elderly couple is having a problem with their sex life.
Every time the old guy gets in the mood he starts calling out for his
94 year old wife, "Mercedes, Mercedes", he calls, but by the time the
poor old thing makes it up the stairs the moment is always past 
because the old geezer is bedridden on the second floor of their  
house and it just takes her way too long to get up there.

The old lady gets really frustrated and confides in the maid. The
maid counsels her to remove her bra and underpants while she's 
puttering around the house so that when the old geezer starts calling
for her, she's already half way undressed & will save some time once she
finally makes it there.

Well, the next time he starts calling for her "Mercedes, Mercedes, 
Mercedeeesssss" she starts hustling up the stairs but by the time she 
makes it up there & gets the rest of her clothes off, it's too late.
She confides in the maid again who advises that Mercedes should just 
walk around naked constantly & really save some time.
So, she starts walking around buck naked all the time.

Weeks, later, the call comes again: "Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedesssss"
Well, girlfriend just hustles it up those stairs and bursts into his room.
"I'm here" she pant's out "I'm here".

"Oh, Mercedes" chokes out her husband, "here I am having a heart 
attack and you're out fucking around".

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play.  So he goes to a priest and 
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an 
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore
not permitted on Sundays." 

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"  So he 
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced
in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.  
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands 
of years tradition and knowledge.  The Rabbi ponders the question, 
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." 

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many 
others tell me sex is work?" 

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife 
would have the maid do it." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work
and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire 
department:
Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats; Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the
pole; Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go.  From
now on we're going to run this house the same way.  

When I say Bell 1 you strip naked; Bell 2 you jump into bed; Bell 3
we are going to screw all night long!"

The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1."  She took
off all her clothes; "Bell 2" she jumped into bed; "Bell 3" they
began to screw...

After about 2 minutes she yelled "BELL 4!!"

He said "What the hell is Bell 4?"

"MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!"  she said,
"You are nowhere near the fire!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A couple was going to a costume party.  The husband was 
unsure of what costume to wear.  His wife was telling him to 
hurry or they would be late for the party.  She was walking down 
the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her 
feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.  

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife.  "Now 
hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.  
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid 
over his penis.   

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied.  "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice 
and I come."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Craig_Milton@m-k.com  Sends:

Almost forgot this one... 

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today, and
when he visited one of the 4th grade classes, they were in the middle 
of a discussion related to words and their meanings.  The teacher 
asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the 
discussion of the word, "tragedy." So, our illustrious leader asked
the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives 
next door, was playing in the street, and a car came along and ran 
over him. That would be a tragedy."

"No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone in the bus, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That we would call a 
great loss."

The room grew silent. No other children would volunteer an answer.
President Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there  someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a
quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs.Clinton,
were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clinton. "That's right. And can you tell me 
why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well, " said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"



The 9 Types of Girlfriends:

Ms. Nice Guy
- "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main 
Squeeze, Doormat
	Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
	Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller
- "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! 
Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also known as: She-Devil, 
Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
	Advantages: Pays attention to you
	Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly
- "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
	Advantages: Predictable
	Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser
- "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your
 job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: 
Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
	Advantages: Often right
	Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
- "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair
color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
	Advantages: Easily soothed
	Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control
- "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done
 it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime 
Charleena, Passed Out
	Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
	Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy
- "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, 
Iceberg, Snarly
	Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
	Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars
- "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
	Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable	
	Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl
- "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius
of 
a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
	Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
	Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with YOU

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q:  What's the difference between a woman and a brick? 
A:  After you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for a week whining.



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that 
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside 
and asks what is wrong, "Well," replied the man "when we had finished 
making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put 
a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." 

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend "I'm sure 
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have 
been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, 
"I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive
- "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"  Also known as: Mr.
Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepuppy
	Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
	Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus
- "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and 
watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, 
Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
	Advantages: Stays put; predictable
	Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy
- "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, 
Creampuff, Hey you
	Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
	Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot
- "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox,
 Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
	Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
	Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones
- "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, 
Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
	Advantages: Well rested; easy target
	Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak
- "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch 
	Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
	Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts
- "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
	Advantages: Perpetually aroused
	Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer
- "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
	Advantages: Tells good stories
	Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right
- "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels
 in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
	Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
	Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things
people  actually said in court, word for word.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: What is your date of birth?
     A: July fifteenth.
     Q: What year?
     A: Every year.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
     A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
     A: Yes.
     Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
     A: I forget.
     Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
     you've forgotten?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
     A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
     Q: How long has he lived with you?
     A: Forty-five years.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
     that morning?
     A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
     Q: And why did that upset you?
     A: My name is Susan.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: And where was the location of the accident?
     A: Approximately milepost 499.
     Q: And where is milepost 499?
     A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
     A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
     A: After the accident?
     Q: Before the accident.
     A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
     voodoo or  occult?
     A: We both do.
     Q: Voodoo?
     A: We do.
     Q: You do?
     A: Yes, voodoo.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
     A: Yes.
     Q: And what were you doing at that time?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
     A: Yes.
     Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
     you?
     A: I went to Europe, Sir.
     Q: And you took your new wife?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
     A: By death.
     Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Can you describe the individual?
     A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
     Q: Was this a male, or a female?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
     notice  which I sent to your attorney?
     A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
     A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
     to? A: Oral.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
     A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
     Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
     A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
     autopsy.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
	-=-=-=-
     Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
     A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
	-=-=-=-
     Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
     pulse?
     A: No.
     Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
     A: No.
     Q: Did you check for breathing?
     A: No.
     Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
     began the  autopsy?
     A: No.
     Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
     A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
     Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
     A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
     law somewhere.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I
have sex."

The doctor says, "Which position do you use?"

The lady says, "We always do it doggie style."

The doctor says, "That's your problem.  Try using the missionary position."

She says, "I can't do that.  My dog has terrible breath."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Gloria Grillo" cirimar@metrotel.net.co Sends:

25 Things You Will Never, Never Hear Your Wife Say

 1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
 3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
 4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
 5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
 6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
 7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
 8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
 9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girl friend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out the women's
      asses and tits.
12. I'll be outside painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday. I just wish you had time
      to play on Saturday, too.
14.Honey...the neighbor's daughter is out there nude sunbathing 
     again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try it again?
16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is much better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy 
      yourself some new golf clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's
sake,
      so you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh, come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case 
      of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a
threesome?
21. Christ, not the fuckin mall again, come on, let's go to that new strip
      joint.
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire
      and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep, you big silly, now stop getting up for the night
      feedings.
24. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm going to bust!
25. I signed up for Yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for
you...


THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF:


   1)     Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
           (Normally one club and two balls)

   2)     Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

   3)     Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
          and keep the balls out of the hole.

   4)     For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
          Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
          play begins.

   5)     Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the
          club as to avoid damage to the hole.

   6)     The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary
          until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
          Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play
          the course again.

   7)     It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
          immediately upon arrival at the course.  The experienced
          player will normally take time to admire the entire course,
          with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

   8)     Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they
          have played or are currently playing to the owner 
          of the course being played.  Upset course owners 
          have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
          

   9)     Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in
          case.

  10)     Players should assure themselves that their match has been
          properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being
          played for the first time.  Previous players have been known
          to become irate if they discover someone else playing what
          they consider to be a private course.

  11)     Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play
          at all times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they find
          the course to be temporarily under repair.  Players are
          advised to be extremely careful in this situation.  More
          advanced players will find alternate means of play when this
          is the case.

  12)     Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission
          before attempting to play the back nine.

  13)     Slow play in encouraged.  However, players should be prepared
          to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the
          course owner's request.

  14)     It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
          play the same hole several times in one match.

  15)     The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
          player.

  16)     Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course.
          Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and
          the rules are subject to change.  For this reason, many
          players prefer to continue to play several different 
          courses. 



More "It Ought to Be a Word"

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"ArkyGranny" repg106@cswnet.com Sends:

Little 7-year-old Jill comes running in the house and asks, breathlessly,
"Mommy!  Mommy!  Can I have a baby?"
Mommy replies, "Of course not, Dear, you're much too young."
Whereupon Jill runs back outside hollering, "Okay, boys, back in the 
tent. Same game!"
 
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

AH, for the good old days.
There was a time when there was no muggings, no  street gangs, no
violence, no vandals, no burglaries...
Then along came Christopher Columbus.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely 3 feet
tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing
she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just
wait till I get both legs in there!"


How much weight do we lose during sex?  The diet literature explains 
calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar 
information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.  
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote
more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt 
that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.

25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off: 2 slices of pizza with 
cheese & mushrooms.

53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off: 1 cheeseburger with
14 french fries.

53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off:  Christmas turkey
with all the trimmings.


PREPARING THE BEDROOM
Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights:
42 (calories burned)

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual: 3
Decanting the wine: 4
Without a corkscrew: 268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE
If you are shy: 15
If you are anxious: 43
If you beg: 100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER
If you are rich (cash): 5
If you are rich (credit card): 15
If you are poor: 200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT
Fumbling: 4
Casually rummaging around: 7
Seriously rummaging around: 42

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent: 12
Without partner's consent: 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION
Blowing in partner's ear: 15
Blowing in your own ear: 2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on: 10
Partner wears corrective underwear: 15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100
You don't mind: 0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks: 50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
Fumbling around: 4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18
Completely missing: 126

POSITIONS
Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26
German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48
English (woman on top; man hiding): 15
American (both on top): 1,243

AFFLICTIONS
Leg cramp: 36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612
Sneezing (during intercourse): 7
Sneezing (during orgasm): 588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS
Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one):  5
Toupee slips off  (if partner didn't know): 72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1
Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17
Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg):  133
Calling your partner the wrong name: 50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off: 15
Expression didn't change: 0.5
Room turned purple: 4
Face turned purple: 78
Earth moved: 30
If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish: 506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX
"I am so grateful":  15
"It must have been something we ate": 15
"Was it good for you?": 15
"Are you finished?": 15

TRYING AGAIN
If woman is ready: 5
If man is not: 563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP
After sex: 18
During sex: 546
While parking car: 212

SLEEP
Real: 5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER
In a bath: 5
In a sink: 150
In a jacuzzi: 15,269

MAKING THE BED
With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness
obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who
is very tired).
With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal
and profound dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL
Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be
helpful for keeping track of weight loss.You needn't go
into detail, just list the activity and the number of
calories burned.  A typical entry in a woman's journal
(for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual
experience might read as follows:

February 1st: Sex with Bob

Explaining how: 12
Suggesting something different: 3
Calming terrified Bob: 40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8
Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that):  56
Intercourse (standing position): 22
Intercourse (holding Bob up): 10
Intercourse (urging him on): 5
Orgasm: not sure
Thanking Bob: 3
Waving bye-bye: 1
Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned: 160
Iraq TV Guide -

MONDAY
  8:00    Husseinfeld
  8:30    Mad About Everything
  9:00    Suddenly Sanctions
  9:30    Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
  8:00    Wheel of Fortune and Terror
  8:30    The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
  9:00    Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
  9:30    Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
  8:00    Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
  8:30    Diagnosis: Heresy
  9:00    Just Shoot Me
  9:30    Veilwatch

THURSDAY
  8:00    Mahatma Loves Chachi
  8:30    M*U*S*T*A*S*H
  9:00    Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
  9:30    My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
  8:00    Judge Saddam
  8:30    Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
  9:00    Achmed's Creek
  9:30    No-witness News

SATURDAY
8:00    Muslim Nanny
8:30    Darhma and Saddam
9:00    Who's bomb is it anyway
9:30    The Saddam Springer Show



This is a list of children's books that were supposedly never published.
I think I read most of 'em though.

"You Were an Accident"
"Controlling the playground:... Respect through Fear"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"My First Hardcore Porn Novel"
"Fun Art Projects With Poop"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
.......North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Steal A Bike !"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"Daddy Says:.... Ill Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Bi-Curious Georgie"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Stanley "
"The Hardy Boys,Barbie , and the Vice Squad"
"The Tickling Babysitter"
"Barney Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious Norman and the High-Voltage Fence"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"How to Become A Bully In Your Elementary School"
" Undressing For Sucess "
"Sunday School Is For Sissys "
" Crying Your Way For Attention and Gifts "

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Blowme Sends...oh, wait...he didn't send this...*eg*

WJMcCormick Sends:

>From the Sunday LA Times Funnies:

The Pre-Valentine's Day Quiz:

Scene:  Cathy with a large, red, heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Question: Are you attracted to this box of chocolate?
Cathy: Yes.

Question: Do you remember what happened last time you were attracted to 
a box of chocolate?
Cathy: Yes

Question: Do you recall swearing that the next time you were attracted to a
box of chocolate, You'd be completely different?
Cathy: Yes

Question: Do you remember standing on the bathroom scale screaming that 
the chocolate was long gone....But, that you'd be trying to recover from
the
relationship for the next six months?
Cathy: Yes

Question: Do you remember that getting involved with a box of chocolate 
means a lifetime of sacrifice, and compromise?
Cathy: Yes.

Question: Do you remember the tears....The therapy sessions....The
commiserations with girlfriends....The journal entries....The self-help
groups?
Cathy: Yes

Question: Are you still attracted to chocolate?
Cathy: Yes

Chocolate:  Training for our life with men!!



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.
"She was in sheer extasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told
me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she
say to you this morning?""Don't stop."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I know, I know...I said that I wasn't going to do any more of these...
I lied :p

Benefits of Being Female:   

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect 
of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up 
doll it's pathetic.

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...
and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We can be groupies.  Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing
inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...
Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.



1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your
    salary, which is a bit less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not
    married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead
    of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a
    sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front
    of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,
    bourbon, and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about
    grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.


I hate to admit it, but this happened to me way back in 1980--

A few years after graduating from college, I returned to my folks home
to retrieve a considerable number of storage boxes that I had left
with them.  These boxes were filled with books, course notes, old
homework projects, etc that I had kept.  I decided to weed throught
them and eliminate as much junk as I could.

Not having the heart to dump all that hard work into the garbage, I
decided to grab a six-pack, settle down in front of the downstairs
fire place and ceremoniously burn four years worth of college
memorabilia. I managed to get through about five of the 15 or so boxes
piled around me when I realized I could not possibly sort through each
box page-by-page.  In the interest of time, I decided to do a cursory
scan of the contents to determine if anything 'jumped out' as worth
saving.  Well, box number six appeared to be loaded with Psychology
and Logic 101 junk so I took the short cut and tossed the whole box on
the funeral pyre before me.

I popped open beer number four and watched the box smolder. 
Raising the can, I gave one last salute to those two unmemorable
courses as the box erupted into a roaring inferno.

The papers were consumed rapidly.

So were the ancient contents of the dresser drawer that I had
hastily dropped into the bottom of that box when packing two
years earlier.  Dang, I had forgotten all about that stuff.   The
toothbrush and hairbrush went up rather well.....also that packet of
disposable plastic razors, dental floss and contact lense case and a
bunch of junk I don't even remember.  Of course, I didn't even know
that stuff was going up in smoke as I sat there. Just chugged the beer
and watched. It burned great...right down to that full can of
deodorant that was in there with it all.

I had gotten about half the beer down when that deodorant can
finally decided it had had enough.  What happened next I can only
compare to the scene from "2001" where that Dave Bowman guy is falling
through all those lights with that 'o shit' look on his face.  I heard
a BOOM so loud that my brain only registered it as a high-pitched
squeal.  The contents of the fireplace right down to the last ash were
propelled out with such velocity that all I could see were a multitude
of bright streaks emanating from a point about three feet in front of
me (ala 2001).  Big blue shock wave knocked me back.  Spill the beer? 
You bet.  Caught me off guard?   Hell, yes.  Felt like I jumped on a
live grenade?  Guess so.  One second I was watching that inferno burn
from the outside, the next second I was watching it from the inside.

The human brain reverts to 'primordial slime' mode when thrown
into a situation like this. All higher-order functions vaporize. Guess
it's all those endorphines and endomorphines hitting it at once.  It
took a couple of seconds to get the 'reasoning' capability of my brain
back online.  I jumped up, looked at my hands and feet, touched my
face and realized that I was indeed intact.  Holy Cow, I was
completely untouched.  Not even a soot mark on me.  Although I might
possibly qualify as a human cannon ball, there would be no Richard
Pryor imitation tonight, folks.

I looked throught the thick smoke toward the fireplace.  What WAS a
6-inch deep accumulation of one winter's ashes was now squeaky clean. 
Blasted it right out.  All those burning embers were now sitting on
the deep-pile carpet behind me.  ALL over the room.  I grabbed the
little shovel from the fireplace set and scooped as fast as I could. 
As soon as I filled the shovel, I'd run to the fireplace, empty it and
run back.  Some embers were 30 feet down the hall.  I guess I set the
Guiness World Record for "Hot ember pickup with a little shovel" in
those next few minutes. I did manage to avoid setting my folks house
on fire, and the carpet only had one or two real serious melted spots
on it.  I DID find the deodorant can too- it had left the fireplace at
some ungodly serious velocity, hit the wall at the far end of the room
and come to rest directly behind where I was sitting. Dang thing was
split wide open along the weld and peeled back almost flat.  Burned
black, too.  Looked like re-entry junk.

After I got the Fire Marshal Bill stuff under control, I grabbed
beer number five, popped the top and thought about how I was
gonna get the remaining mess cleaned up.  Close examination
revealed that everything was coated with a heavy layer of ash. 
Heck, a vacuum cleaner will get this stuff up no problem.

Gee, how lucky could I be?  I didn't get decapitated, the house
is still on its foundation, I got a GREAT story for the grandkids and
the cleanup is gonna be a cinch. I grabbed my mom's upright out of the
closet and started to work.

Ever have one of those split-seconds of consciousness when you
realize you survived something really bad but you sense that it's not
quite over yet?  Well, I never have, but I wish I had felt that way at
this point.  Would have clued me in as to what was about to happen.

There I was, sucking up ashes with an upright vacuum.  Too bad
not all of them were cold.  That upright vacuum swallowed ONE
LITTLE ITTY BITTY HOT EMBER that was sitting there on the carpet. It
flew right up inside it and sat on that big ol' pile of carpet lint
way up in that bag.  Heck, that bag hadn't been emptied in a long
time. And all that air rushing in there made that little bitty hot
ember REAL happy.  Next thing I know, the side of that vacuum is
glowing red hot.  By the time I figured out what was happening, there
was a two foot flame blowing out a hole in the side.  It really looked
and sounded sorta pretty, like a fighter jet on full afterburner. 
Diamond shock pattern and all.

Again, my brain reverted to primordial slime mode.  All
higher-order functions ceased and all I remember thinking was
"T-h-r-o-w   v-a-c-u-u-m".

I pitched it as hard as I could towards the open basement door,
hoping it would make it to the patio outside.  The distance was
about 20 feet.  In slow motion it looked like one of those old
NASA films where the rocket goes psycho right off the launch pad.
There it was, sailing brush end first with a nice slow roll...fire
belching out the side.  As the unbilical pulled out of the wall, the
flame settled into a long trail of sparks.   The vehicle had plenty of
initial velocity and it looked like a good downrange
trajectory........right up to the point it passed throught the plate
glass window to the right side of the door.

Yep, I swear this happened as written.


Symptoms of Semester Burnout


1.   When your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the
     cookie monster song (C is for cookie, that's good enough for
      me...)

2.   You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a
     54% on the final to pass than you have actually spent
     studying.

3.   When you are swamped with homework and spend your time
     making up a list like this.

4.   When you start showering after class rather than before.

5.   The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.

6.   When the campus drunk tells you you should study more.

7.   When your favorite paperweight says "Bud Light"

8.   Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through
     Monday.

9.   When your absence exceeds your attendance.

10.  When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you
     "might" actually die before the test!


Three budgies in a cage, one on the top perch, one on the middle 
perch and one on the bottom perch.  Which one owns the cage?

The one on the bottom.  The others are on higher perches!!


RULES FOR WORK!!

1.  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me,
advising me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in
case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.

8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice
to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about
having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for
being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with
a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Four women are at a bar, and they decided to have a contest: who could
stick the most up their pussy. The first woman said, "Look, I can stick a
beer bottle up my pussy!"

The second woman said, "So, I can stick two beer bottles up my pussy!",
and she did.

The third woman didn't say anything...
she just started sliding down the bar stool.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Truehartj Sends:

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict 
the future with cards?"  

His response was, "My mother can." 

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my
report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

75-year old Sam goes to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave Sam a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring 
me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, Sam reappears at the doctor's office and gives him
the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and Sam explains, "Well, doc, 
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I 
tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then both hands, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the
teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door,
and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your next door neighbor?!"

The old man replied, "Yeah, but no matter how hard we tried, we
couldn't get the damn top off the jar!"


What do veggie worms eat?
Linda McCartney!!

TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

 9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up
     where you left off.

 8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

 7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else
     has opened it.

 6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

 5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as
     a "book teaser"

 4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

 3. You don't get in legal trouble if your spouse finds you doing it 
     with someone else.

 2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

 1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask 
      for help!



MARRIAGE: BEFORE AND AFTER

b- you take my breath away
a- I feel like I'm suffocating

b- she says she loves the way I take control of a situation
a- she says I'm a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

b- Lucy and Ricky
a- Fred and Ethyl

b- Saturday night fever
a- Monday night football

b- twice a night
a- twice a month

b- he makes me feel like a million dollars
a- if I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

b- don't stop
a- don't start

b- the sound of music
a- the sounds of silence

b- is that all you're having?
a- maybe you should have just a salad, dear

b- wheel of fortune
a- jeopardy

b- it's like I'm living in a dream
a- it's like he lives in a dorm

b- $60/doz.
a- $1.50/stem

b- turbocharged
a- jumpstart

b- we agree on everything
a- doesn't she have a mind of her own?

b- Victoria's Secret
a- Fruit of the Loom

b- charming and noble
a- Chernobyl

b- feathers and handcuffs
a- ball and chain

b- idol
a- idle

b- I love a woman with curves
a- I never said you were fat

b- he's completely lost without me
a- why won't he ever ask for directions?

b- time stood still
a- this relationship is going nowhere

b- croissant and cappuccino
a- bagel and Folgers

b- blind
a- nearsighted

b- you look so seductive in black
a- your clothes are so depressing

b- iambic pentameter
a- blank verse

b- oysters
a- fishsticks

b- I can hardly believe we found each other
a- I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

b- passion
a- ration

b- once upon a time
a- the end

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Ryan McCarty Sends:

Three priests were at a sacred bridge where if you jumped off and said 
something you would become what you said.

The first priest jumps off and yells, "Bird!", and he turns into a bird
and flies away.

The second priest jumps off and yells, "Fish!", and he turns into a fish
and falls
into the water.

The third priest is excited and steps a couple steps back to get a good
running 
start. Right before he jumps he trips and yells, "Oh shit!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

So anyway...
These 4 women are in this bar having some sort of pussy contest...

...and the fourth woman says, "Aaah Ha!Ha!Ha!...  BGH's Twit of 
the Week Award is already taken for this week!"  *baeg*

**New Members:  Just smile and nod.  You'll get used to it.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Mike King Sends:

Always give 100% at work ...

     12% on Monday
     23% on Tuesday
     40% on Wednesday
     20% on Thursday
     5% on Fridays

And remember ...

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are 
trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and 
only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to fuck off.

Now get back to work

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Well, Well, Well...  Tom Hansen thinks he's gonna slide this time by
suckin' up to me. HA!  Where the hell have you been, anyway?
(Wayne...give him the snorkel and you can come outta the corner
now. )

Tom Sends:

Little Billy and Peggy are only 10 years old, but they
just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so
Billy goes to Peggy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me
and Peggy are in love and I want  to ask you for her hand
in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Billy, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy
replies "In Peggy's room. It's bigger than mine and we
can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a
huge grin, "Okay then how will you live?  You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Peggy."
Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our allowance...  Peggy
makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us
just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Billy has
put so much thought into this.  So, he thinks for a moment
trying to come up with something that Billy won't have
an answer to.  After a second, Mr. Smith  says, "Well
Billy, it seems like you have got everything all figured
out.  I just have one more question for you.  What will you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've
been lucky so far..."


Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't
have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the
toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I
pee every morning at 6:00 am. I piss like a race horse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old. "Well,
not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You
pee every morning at 6:00 am and have bowel movement every morning at 6:30.
What's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 10:00 am."


Making Cupcakes

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park 
one day
and they saw two monkies having sex in their cage. The 
little girl asked,
"Mommie what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then 
quickly replied,
"Ummm, they are making cupcakes." The next day they were at 
a zoo and the little girl saw two teenagers having sex on 
the park bench. Again she asked her mother what they were 
doing and her mother said again
"making cupcakes." The next day the girl said to her 
mother, "Were you and
daddie
making cupcakes on the sofa last night?" The mother says, 
"Yeah,
how did you know?" She replied, "Because I licked the 
frosting off of the couch."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home
for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping,
all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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 Save to 50% on hotel rooms....and much, much more! 

http://www.big-gyant-head.com/hahasponsors/#MemberWorksConnections 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Sarah Kaiser Sends:

A Woman's Written Men's Guide to Blowjob Etiquette:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is
 not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last
 I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
 WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get
 it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I
 don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't
 have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
 school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me
    alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
 don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
 afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to
 be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
 about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy
 that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
 the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
 blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate
 to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I
 have to "kiss it good morning".

A guy takes his parrot to a veterinarian.  He says, "Doc, I know this
will be hard to believe, but I think my parrot is horny."

"Horny?" asks the vet.  "How can you tell?"

"I wanna get laid!  I wanna get laid!" the parrot starts squawking.

The vet says, "I guess he is horny.  For fifty dollars, I have a 
female parrot.  I'll put her in the cage with your bird."

The parrot says, "Pay him, pay him!"

The owner gives the vet the fifty bucks.

The vet takes the female parrot and puts it inside the cage with the 
horny male parrot, then covers the cage.

Moments later, there is squawking and feathers are flying everywhere. The
vet lifts the cover from the cage.  Inside, the male parrot holds
the female parrot down with one claw and is ripping out her feathers with
the other.

The male parrot is screeching, "For fifty bucks, I want you naked!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What does AIDS stand for?
Adios Infected Dick Sucker.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Q:  What's the most popular comic book in Greenwich Village?
A:  Teenage Mutant Ninja Gerbils.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


There were two Indians and Bob walking along together in the woods when,
all of a sudden, one of the Indians bolted up a hill and ran up
to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped, cupped his hands to his mouth and hollered into the cave, 
"Woooo!  Woooo!  Woooo!" and then listened very closely until he
heard the answer, "Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!"  He then tore off his 
clothes and ran in to the cave.

Bob was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about,
was that Indian crazy or something?

"No," said the other Indian.  "It is mating time for Indians and when
you see a cave and holler, "Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!" and get an answer 
back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He 
took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooo! 
Woooo! Woooo!"  When he heard the return, "Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!" off
came the clothes and into the cave he went.

Bob started running around in the woods looking for a cave so he 
could find one of these women that the Indians had talked about.  All
of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man!  Look at the size
of that cave!  It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found.
There must be something really great in there!"

He tore up the hill like a bolt with his hopes of ecstasy and
grandure.  He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Woooo!
Woooo!"

He was thrilled when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOO! 
WOOOOOO!  WOOOOOO!"  Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his
face, he raced into the cave.

The next day, in the newspaper, the headlines read,
"Naked Man Run Over By Freight Train."


An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's
crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last,
when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of
the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It
appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca
coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust
 a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie 
is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

**POOF**

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

**POOF**

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white
and surrounded by beautiful women."

**POOF**

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may
be a string attached.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Tanya H."  ooshker@hotmail.com Sends:

Here's a joke that my little 11 year old sister told me one day!!

Q.  What has 4 legs but no ears???
A.  Mike Tyson's dog!!



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"john richards"  richards@citnet.com Sends:

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says I`ll have a chocolate, the wife says I'll have a vanilla.
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says,
"what do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them says,  "Why did you hit him in the back of the
head and call him fat head?"
The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants:  The
1st thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck 
sitting there (outside) thats my nice truck. The 2nd thing a man 
wants is a nice big house (come over here to the window ) you see 
that nice big house on top of the hill there, that`s my big house.

The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy and i had 
that until FAT HEAD came along."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

hib@spenncon.no Sends:

 Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've
never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny.
 .. keep me potent." 
 
 The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer
 and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra 
 Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for
 12 hours!" 
 
 Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, Crazy Mike 
 walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and 
 pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices
 the man's pen!s is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in 
 some places.
 
 Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist 
 replies,  "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that 
 are you?" 
 
 Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a 
famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the
balance...

MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for
up to four hours without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment
towards their spouse/boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels,
allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow
a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue 
effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such
as 'you don't love me anymore'.

PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse
park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved 
this in under 15 minutes.

MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes
appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug
has yet been found.

WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this
drug  can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed
within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend
alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when
the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's 
field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went to check it
out.

A few days later, the local Sheriff came out looking for the missing
politicians, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer if he knew 
where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said, "I buried 'em all out back."

The Sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her 
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to 
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what 
has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a
bright flash; and both his legs fall off.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A young female stock broker was bored of driving her BMW. It lacked
individuality and besides that every bitch in the office had one. She
fancied  something a bit more individual, "Perhaps an MG convertible", she
mused to herself.  

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful 
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in
love with it's gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and
off she was driving down the leafy country lanes enjoying her
beautiful new car.  Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind,
music blaring from the radio, what could go wrong?  

With that there was a jerking from the engine and the car slowly 
coasted to a  stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded,
after a few minutes realized that she didn't have a clue. Luckily she
had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to Triple A and 
a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car" says the AAA man "What  seems to be the 
matter?"

"Well it just conked out I'm afraid" 

"Let me have look", he said.  He set to work and ten minutes later
the engine was purring like a cat again. "Oh goody!" she said, "What
was the matter?"

"Simple really, just shit in the carburetor" He replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do
I have to do that?


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION -10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE 
OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him
and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs
the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long
black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"  He
answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed
door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he
is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and
holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST
BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Guy walks into a shop.  "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30
amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried 
Rose tremolo?"
   "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
   "Duh, yeah.  How'd you know?"
   "This is a travel agent."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



cjs_mail@yahoo.com Sends:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Short Version:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave 
   them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your 
   girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her. 
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
   see if you have pecs.(no) 
4. Turn on the water. 
5. Check for pecs again.(no) 
6. Get in the shower. 
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth.(you don't use one) 
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits. 
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area. 
11. Wash your ass. 
12. Shampoo your hair.(do not use conditioner) 
13. Make a shampoo mohawk. 
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.  
15. Pee down the drain
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. 
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
    girlfriend/wife, flash her.
18. Lay on bed naked and wet hoping the flash aroused the
    girlfriend/wife.
19. Yell out to your girlfriend/wife to let her know you're on the
    bed naked.
20. Fall asleep

Long Version:
Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap
Forget #19 altogether

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Frannie" frannie@cjsmith.com Sends:

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women
eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've
never met  the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the 
fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed
the whole thing into her mouth."   "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But 
how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
other."


An old man's sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise when
he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his
arm.  "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  he shouts. 

"A roll of chicken wire," the boy yells back.  "What you gonna do 
with that?"  the old man asks.  "Catch some chickens," says the boy.
"You fool," says the old man. "You can't catch chickens with chicken
wire."  The boy just laughs and keeps walking. 

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the man's surprise 
he's dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
caught in it. The same time next morning the old man's out watching 
the sun rise when he sees the boy walk by carrying something else. 

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts. "Roll of duck tape," the 
boy yells back.  "Whatcha gonna do with that?"  the old man asks. 
"Catch me some ducks," says the boy. "You fool" says the old man,
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape."  The boy just laughs and
keeps walking.  That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's suprise he's trailing behind him the unrolled tape with about
35 ducks caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by 
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. 
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  he shouts.  
"Pussy willow," the boy yells back. 

"Hold on!"  says the old man, "I'll get my hat!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A gentleman is undergoing a vasectomy.  During the delicate
operation, one of his testicles falls onto the floor and before
the nurse can pick it up, the doctor steps on it.

The doctor tells the nurse,  "Don't worry, we can replace it.
Get me a very small onion."  She does and the doctor replaces
the missing ball with the onion.

A few weeks later, the patient stops by to see the doctor, who
asks him what seems to be the problem.

"Well, it's like this," the patient replies.  "Every time I take a 
piss, my eyes water.  Every time I come, I get heartburn, 
and every time I pass a Burger King, I get a hard-on!"



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands
performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.
He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like
that."

The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He
likes to play rough and slap me around sometimes. I kinda like
that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says "My husband works
for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when I get it."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across an 
elephant. "Hello, Mr. Elephant", he says, "what a fine day it is. Would
you like to see my cock?"

Slightly startled the elephant says, "Good morning Mr Monkey. 
Why on earth would I want to see your genitalia?"

"Oh, it's absolutely amazing", came the reply, "you won't regret 
this" and with that the monkey whips out his member which, as 
promised, amazed the elephant. There were FOUR tips to this 
particular monkey's monkeyhood. "My word!" said the elephant, "aren't
you the lucky one".

The monkey continued his jaunt through the jungle when he happens
upon a giraffe. "Hello up there Mr Giraffe. Let me show you my cock!"
Spluttering out the leaf he was munching the giraffe protests but he
is equally as stunned as the elephant when he sees the monkeys' four
headed knob. "Incredible!" he states.

And off trots the monkey until he encounters a jaguar asleep under a
tree. "Mr Jaguar! Mr Jaguar! Look at my extraordinary penis!"

Stirring from his sleep the jaguar wakes to find the mutant cock
before his eyes, which he promptly bites off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH", 
screams the monkey, "What did you do that for?"

"Because I'm a four point tool eater Jaguar"



Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands
performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor.
He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like
that."

The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He
likes to play rough and slap me around sometimes. I kinda like
that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says "My husband works
for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me
how great it's going to be when I get it."


A Jewish couple, an Irish couple and a Greek couple die in an
accident and go to heaven.

When St. Peter greets them he says to the them "Tell me about
your life and I will determine if you will be welcome into heaven 
or go straight to hell.

The Jewish man steps up and says " I have had a good life. I went
to synagogue every week, worked hard, made a lot of money and 
provide for my wife Penny and my family".

St. Peter said " you Jews - all you think about is money. Even your
wife's name connotes money! You go straight to hell". He snaps his
fingers and the Jewish couple goes straight to hell.

The Irish man steps up and says " I have had a good life. I went to
church every week, worked hard, made a lot of money and provide
for my wife Brandy and my family".

St. Peter said " you Irish- all you think about is booze. Even your
wife's name connotes liquor! You go straight to hell". He snaps his
fingers and the Irish couple goes straight to hell.

The Greek man looks at his wife and says " We better get out of here
fast, Fanny"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q. What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
A. Your mother.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any
man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude,
but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Glossary of Hot Air Balloon Terms:

AIR MASS - a religious service conducted outside
BALLOON MEET - what you feed your balloon dog
COLD FRONT - low cut dress
CHAMPAGNE - phony ache
FALSE LIFT - a padded bra
FIRE 2 - cutting payroll costs
FLAME OUT - girlfriend not home
GROUND FOG - if on Feb 2 it sees its shadow six more weeks poor flying
LAUNCH - meal between breakfast and supper

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

nospam2me@hotmail.com Sends:

Microsoft Non-Monopolistic Slogans:

Competition is good.  90% market share is better.

We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a
reasonable settlement with Microsoft.  We thought that our
press release last year about Microsoft buying the U.S. 
government took care of these little details.

We support a free marketplace.  So long as our support is visibly
branded everywhere, at any price.

The Road Ahead:  Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."

When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major 
newspapers on a one-day rampage against government.  That 
always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats.

We value our customers.  That's why we only charge $75 per 
question on our toll-free tech support phone lines!  (Hey, at least
the phone call is free)

Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our
pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't
bully our way out of this mess.

We love the idea of competition.  That's why we bought a huge
chunk of Apple.

The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release
software patches on time.  Yeah, and that also proves how
insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our
software competitors.

No Netscape for you!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

MWild@reedriggs.co.uk Sends:

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in this flat 
waiting to take turns on this prostitute...

First in is the Englishman.  "Hang on" Said the Hooker.  "I've got
two tattoos, one either side of my inner thighs, and if you can 
guess what they are, you can have me for free.  The Englishman
looks for a minute and says "The one on the left is Prince Naseem 
and the one on the right is Evander Hollyfield.  "Okay, you got it, 
this one's on the house" Says the Hooker.

Next in is the Scotsman.  The Hooker gives him the same deal.  
Two tattoos, one either side of her inner thigh, both of two famous
boxers. The Scotsman stares for a while and says ""The one on the
left is Prince Naseem and the one on the right is Evander Hollyfield".
The Hooker keeps her side of the deal, then next up is the Irishman.

The Hooker waits, and waits, but the Irish guy just can't get it.  
"Come on!" She says, two famous boxers and your time is running 
out" Eventually the Irishman looks up and says "I don't know about 
the ones on the left and right, but the one in the middle with the 
big lips and the black curly hair is definately Mike Tyson!"


Q. What's wrinkled and hangs out your underwear?
A. Your mother.


Taco Bell Chihuahua Killed, Served in Burrito

In a tragic accident, the famous Chihuahua spokesdog fell into a
deep-fryer while touring a Los Angeles Taco Bell Thursday afternoon.

He was subsequently served to hungry customers, primarily in
orders of the Burrito Supreme.

Ramone Garcia explained that the pint-sized dog was examining
Taco Bell's secret frying technology that is used to make the
simulated Mexican food served at this particular food factory.

"He no look happy," said Garcia describing the dog's demeanor in
the moments prior to his death.

This was only the third stop made by the puntable dog on a world
tour of Taco Bell restaurants.

He had just pronounced his famous line "Yo quiero Taco Bell" to
the delight of the surrounding workers when he lost his balance and
plunged into the boiling oil.

The workers stood shocked for a few moments before the local
manager spurned them back to work.

Recognizing that the meat shouldn't be wasted, the manager took
action.

The rat-like dog followed the well worn path blazed by numerous
unlucky cats, dogs, and rats in the past that had wandered into the
kitchen only to be incorporated into the menu.

Four out of five customers rated the Chihuahua burrito as "Good
Tasting" or "Excellent".

Some of the dog was also served to a few lucky customers in a new
Gordita Fiesta(TM).

Three of the fast food workers that witnessed the accident agreed
that his final words as he fell into the roiling vat were "Lamento
mucho haber causado dificultades."

He will be missed terribly.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An elephant escaped from the circus and ended up in the
garden behind the house of a man who had never seen an
elephant before. Frightened by its size he immediately
called the police.

"HELP!  HELP!!  There's a strange animal in my garden!
What should I do?"

"Please calm down sir. What kind of animal is it", asked
the dispatcher, thinking maybe it's a raccoon or a skunk.

"I don't know what it is, I've never seen anything like it."

"Well can you describe it to me?"

"It's huge, its grey and it has two tails!"

The confused cop then asks "What is it doing?"

The man says, "With one of its tails, it's picking cabbages
out of my garden."

The cop then asks, "What is it doing with your cabbages?" 

And the man replies, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Cato13033@aol.com Sends:

Proverbs by kids
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She 
gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them
come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... 
You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I've sure gotten old :(
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries,
A hip replacement, new knees,
Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes,
Am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, 
and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia,
Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92,
Have lost all my friends,
But.....Thank God I still have my DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!
  
Isn't it GREAT to be in Florida!?


The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to 
drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in
and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"  
  
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do,
Why?"  
  
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just 
thought you'd like to know that your horse is almost dead!"  
  
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough 
Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger 
got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little 
better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want 
you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a
breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "NP, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around
Silver. 
  
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the bar to finish his drink.  
  
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"  
  
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with
him this time?"  
  
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says...

"Nuthin' ... but you left your Injun runnin'."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.  
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand 
why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What do you mean?"

"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back!  Get the
quarter back!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom
& Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of
laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be
 friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of  laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful 
and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might 
even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk 
him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some 
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry 
the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent
on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Proof that Clinton is Not Dealing with a Full Deck:
 
Who in his right mind would have a Jewish Mistress and
a Gentile Lawyer?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very 
authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of
a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out
of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the 
edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the
moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out
of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough,
the guy in front said, "Okay, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass,
but you'd better brace yourself."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got 
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and 
says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." 
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties 
them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains 
Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover 
that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts 
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, 
"What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that 
the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back 
to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. 
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets 
him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling 
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."



The Smiths had no children and the infertility clinic decided to
use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "The 
man should be here soon. I don't want to be here. I'm off". 

Half an hour later,  just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good 
morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"No need to explain. I've been expecting you." "Really?" the 
photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of 
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, 
blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, 
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the 
living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry 
and me." "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every 
time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six 
or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."  

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to
 be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that,
 I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed. 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of 
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of the Fifth Avenue bus
in New York City." "Oh my god!!" Mrs.Smith exclaimed, tugging at 
her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when 
you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." 
The photographer handed Mrs Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" 
asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to 
Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around
 four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." 

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
 "Yes", the photographer said. "And ! for more than three hours too. 
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly 
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my 
shots. Finally, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean over three hours....?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely
worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. 
It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.

Madam? Madam?
Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What is the best thing about getting a blow job from a Spice Girl?
10 minutes of silence.



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his
recent address to the nation and said, "Mr. President, I just 
want you to know that if there's anything I can do to help,
anything at all, just ask."

Clinton replied, "Could you drive Monica home?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A young woman was preparing for her wedding.  She
asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black
negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it
would not wrinkle.  Well, Mom forgot until the last
minute.  She dashed out and could only find a short
pink nighty.  She bought it and threw it into the
suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their
hotel room.  The groom was a little self-conscious,
so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom
and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her
suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown
in there.

"Oh no!  It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed.

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"



An Italian guy gets a job at a restaurant, cooking chickens on the
rotisserie.  He loves to sing while he works.  He starts singing 
some Italian opera.

A man comes along and stops, listening to the Italian sing and 
watching him cook the chicken

The Italian says, "You stop because you like-a my singing, yes?"

"You sing okay," the man says.  "But your monkey's on fire."


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why do men pay more for car insurance?

Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after
a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society 
of America. One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a 
software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to
draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to 
comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence
by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but
is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over 
such an issue.

Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two 
MS's apart...

One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that
renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task...

(From the UK edition of  PC Week/31 March, 1998)



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

How do you know when you're in a Mexican restaurant?

The waiter pours the water, then warns you not to drink it.



A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a 
sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor 
towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the 
trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is
ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet
up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back 
and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. 
The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same 
examinations.

When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she 
grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and 
appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no 
idea. We're just painting the corridor."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they
went to the unemployment office.  Asked his occupation, the 
first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled 
labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he 
replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the 
second guy $600. a week.

When the first guy found out he was furious.  He stormed back 
in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double
his pay.  The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and 
diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He 
pulls on it and says,  "Yep, diesel fitter".

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and 
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first 
arrived, he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in 
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, 
"Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and 
asked, "What they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said "But we don't skin 'em!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against 
his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused
you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. 
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of 
some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the 
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you
at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the
evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said
"Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" 

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there 
in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down 
and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?"



Letter to the IRS:

Dear Sirs: 

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of 
the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. 
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or
not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that 
since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government 
(who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows 
something about them and what to expect over the next year. 
You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate 
the deduction. This year they are yours! 

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's 
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject
you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going
to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible 
for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that 
she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the 
immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense 
funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of 
the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it 
best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in 
the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always 
uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in 
the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who
had a rather good handle on the problem. 

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I 
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was 
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the 
future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to 
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
 is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? 
Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting 
out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take
care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he
and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of 
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your 
home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that 
you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be 
sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!) 

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you 
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial 
reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools 
dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were 
terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this 
one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people 
under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of 
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I 
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She 
wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced 
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me
but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to 
get her, as she sort of  "nests" in her room and I think that it 
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is 
really made of. 

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to 
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I 
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you 
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before 
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't 
feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let 
me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already 
increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional 
tax and to make a down payment on an airplane. 

Yours Truly, 

Robert W.



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting
by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they 
took to the dance floor for a slow one. 

While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell
terrific. What's that you have on?"  Theflattered girl told him it 
was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it,"
the guy replied.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two Greek gay men in California are chatting. 
One says to the other, "Shall we go back to Greece?"
And the other replies, "Why, what's wrong with Vaseline?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? 

USA Today: 
WE'RE DEAD 

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS 

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN 

Playboy: 
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE 

Microsoft Systems Journal: 
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE 

Victoria's Secret Catalog: 
OUR FINAL SALE 

Sports Illustrated: 
GAME OVER 

Wired: 
THE LAST NEW THING 

Rolling Stone: 
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR 

Readers Digest:
'BYE 

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS 
WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE 
COSMOS? 

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON 
RATINGS SOAR! 

Lady's Home Journal: 
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR 
NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! 

America Online: 
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. 

Inc. magazine: 
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE
APOCALYPSE 

Microsoft's Web Site: 
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE 

Sun: 
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE
NOW AVAILABLE! 

SEXUAL TENSION QUIZ -- What am I?

A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. 

B. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. 

C. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. 

D. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open. 

E. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. 

F. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. 

G. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. 

H. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. 

I. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

J. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. 

K. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. 

L. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

M. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it. 

N. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. 



Answers: 

A. Nose 
B. Peanut Butter 
C. Crane 
D. Titanic 
E. Tent 
F. Dentist 
G. Wedding Ring 
H. Elevator
I. Chewing Gum
J. Newspaper Boy
K. Glove
L. Arrow
M. An attorney
N. Bird


Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult
position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg,
Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's
many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy
Glue" ... the hard way. 

Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the
adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the
palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks
of a passing rhino. 

The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years,
was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting
exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became
aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to
panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an
unintended passenger. 

"Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had
been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and
some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his
juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. 

During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall
was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during
the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to
death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo
caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's
buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed
down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take
hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of
rhino diarrhea. 

"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same
time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I
guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. 
Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels
working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were
able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands
from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing
with Crazy Glue for a while." 

Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were
impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy
some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the
zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe. 





Do you know what the letters in "Yahoo!" stand for?

Yahoo, the name of the Internet's most popular directory, is an
acronym. According to the company, the name "Yahoo" stands for
"Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle."

Yikes! Glad they didn't opt for a second level domain name on
that one! I'd hafta run spell check before I could even enter
the URL.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>




"Doctor, kiss me," says a woman patient. The Doctor looks at
her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to
kiss her. 

About 15 minutes later the woman again shouts out,
"Doctor, please, kiss me just once". Again he refuses,
apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss
her. 

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads
with the doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you.
In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you"



NEW WORDS TO AN OLD BOB DYLAN SONG:

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.


Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your
birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth.
Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote
for, what you buy and what you watch on television.

Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by
your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing
degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating
instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what
your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing
without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid.
Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you
like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate
on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game
throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY/MIS: Unable to control anything in your personal
life, you are instead content to completely control
everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU
don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can
tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in
school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads
are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself:
your office is typically full of all the latest
"ergo-dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really
causing your "carpal tunnel"...

FINANCE: The only other sign that studied in school, you are
mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared
person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you
say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less
work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today
because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a
letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS":
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined
to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.
Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your
worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as
everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely
spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for
the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you
tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can
schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior
Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior
Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a
fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child
very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for
your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer
Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR: Just three little numbers... 666.





Men are always whining about how we're (women) suffocating them...
Personally, I think if you can hear them whining,
You're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.



OK WHO FARTED? FIND YOUR TRUE SELF!

1. The Vain Person: - One who loves the smell of his own farts. 
2. The Amiable Person: - One who loves the smell of other peoples 
farts. 
3. The Proud Person: - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally 
fine. 
4. The Shy Person: - One who releases silent farts and then blushes. 
5. The Impudent Person: - One who farts loudly and then laughs. 
6. The Scientific Person: - One who farts regularly but is truly 
concerned about air pollution. 
7. The Unfortunate Person: - One who tries awfully hard to fart but 
shits instead. 
8. The Nervous Person: - One who stops in the middle of a fart. 
9. The Honest Person: - One who admits he farted but offers a medical 
reason for it. 
10. The Dishonest Person: - One who farts and then blames the dog. 
11. The Foolish Person: - One who suppresses a fart for hours and 
hours. 
12. The Thrifty Person: - One who always has several farts in reserve. 
13. The Antisocial Person: - One who excuses himself and farts in 
complete privacy. 
14. The Strategic Person: - One who conceals his farts with loud 
laughter. 
15. The Sadistic Person: - One who farts in bed and then fluffs the
bed covers over his bed mates head. 
16. The Intellectual Person: - One who determines from the smell of 
his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed. 
17. The Athletic Person: - One who farts at the slightest exertion. 
18. The Miserable Person: - One who would truly love to but can't fart 
at all. 
19. The Sensitive Person: - One who farts and then bursts into tears. 
20. The Bruiser: - One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his 
butt checks.


Note: All farts are divided into two groups: yours and somebody 
else's.



MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS:

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, 
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist. 

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how
good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money. 

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste
of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date. 

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been 
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the
bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. 
Some will say 10:00 p.m.; Others might say "Monday." If the
latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her
to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up 
immediately after the movie has ended. 

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you
shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a 
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky 
appearance. 

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this 
special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the
gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the
largest tires always has the right of way. 

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is 
impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially
when driving. 

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the
sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home.




OLD AGE
I cannot see.
I cannot pee.
I cannot chew.
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks.
My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell.
I look like hell.
My body's drooping.
Got trouble pooping.
So, the Golden Years have come at last?
Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ass!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile
of dog shit just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls
over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and
buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile
of shit, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a
conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just
did that."

The big guy punched him in the mouth.


Dear __________:

We regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible
cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the
ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex)virus.

It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this
disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a
simple "fuck you" or "muuuuaaaahhhhh".

It appears to be predominant in WebTV and AOL users but has
been detected in the *real* internet users' community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS
is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical
ailments if not treated.

You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any
of these contact this office and forward this notice to all
your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms
may be immediate or may remain undetected for years.

DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS!

1.KEYBOARD COURAGE: The threatening of another chatter for no
logical reason.

2.WOOHOO: The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to
anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result
of overactive woohoormones).

3.HOLIDAY INN-hibition: The need to take someone to a private
room.

4.P.T.P.U.D. (POST TRAUMATIC POP UP DISORDER): Heavy reliance
on popups.

5.HORIZONTAL RETINAL SCAN: Inability to read anything that
doesn't scroll up.

6.LOSS OF FINGERNAILS.

7.CYBER TURRETS SYNDROME: The random shouting of obscenities
every time the phone rings.

8.RED EYE: Elimination of any whites from the eye.

9.VIRTUAL SPEED: The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of
laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment
leaves the screen.

10.SLEEP APATHY: Going without sleep to chat.

11.CYBER ANOREXIA: Going without food to chat.

12.SYMBOLIC DYSLEXIA: The use of initials instead of words
i.e.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

13. NIC IDENTITY CRISIS: The adoption of a nic as a second
name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact
me.

Thanks for your time,

Dr. Pete O. Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control





A man was showing some friends his apartment. One guest asked 
"What's that big brass basin for?"

"That's the talking clock," answered the man.

He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. 

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, 
"Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you asshole?!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat and one said to
the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog
vendor and they both walked up to him.

"Two dogs, please," said one of the nuns. The vendor obliged and
wrapped both purchases in foil and handed them to the ladies. Excited,
the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' 

The mother superior was first to open hers. Staring at it for a
moment, she leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
"What part did you get?"



DO YOU RECOGNIZE THESE WELL-KNOWN ADAGES?

1.All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not
truly auriferous.

2.Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

3.Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

4.Neophite's serendipity.

5.A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries
of small, green, biophytic plant.

7.Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to
congregate.

8.Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

9.Freedom from incrustations of crime is contiguous to
rectitude.

10.It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately
departed lacteal fluid.

12.Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

13.The stylus is more potent than the rapier.

14.It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a
superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

15.Surveillance should precede saltation.

16.Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim. (not a proverb)

17.The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation
possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

18.Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without
interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a
hebetudinous fellow.

19.Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices
would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious
projectiles.

20.Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in
ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<= ANSWERS =>>>*<<<=-=>>>

1.All that Glitters is not Gold.
2.Beggars cannot be choosers.
3.Dead men tell no tales.
4.Beginner's luck
5.A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
7.Birds of a feather flock together.
8.Beauty is only skin-deep.
9.Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
10.Don't cry over Spilt Milk.
12.Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.
13.The Pen is Mightier than the Sword.
14.You cant teach an Old Dog new Tricks.
15.Look before you leap.
16.Twinkle twinkle little star
17.One who laughs the last, laughs the best.
18.All work and No Play makes Jack (?) a Dull boy.
19.Those who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.
20.Where there is smoke, there will be fire.


Upon a lady's demise, she finds herself at the Pearly gates
with St. Peter. As they stand there talking about entrance
requirements, she hears the most awful screaming- "what's that
noise?", she asks. "Come, I'll show you how we operate up
here," says St. Peter.

He takes her to a small room near the gates and she sees an
angel drilling holes into a woman's back. St. Peter says: "see,
she is getting fitted for her wings!" As they keep walking, she
hears more horrible screaming! St. Peter takes her to another
room where an angel is drilling holes in a lady's head. St.
Peter says:"see, she is getting fitted for her halo!"

At this point, the lady tells St. Peter- "Let me out of here
and send me to Hell!"

St.Peter replies: "You don't want to go there. It's filled with
all sorts of evil people. You'll be raped and sodomized in no
time at all down there."

The lady replied: "I don't care! I already have the holes for
that!"



A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a
Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by
bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint
editions of his two previous ones as well.

"My wife likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I
thought I'd give her these autographed copies for a birthday
present."

"A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author. 

"I'll say," agreed the customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital
had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out 
of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and 
called him into his office. 

"Mr. Stevens, your records and your heroic behavior indicate 
that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you
saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Stevens replied. 
"I hung him up to dry."




Windows '98 source code.
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: MAY 1998
$History$
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}


I will Survive...

At first I was afraid
Now I'm petrified
That I just can't keep my GPA
of two point five.
I spent all those stupid nights...
I was just chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I know I must be strong

And now they're back
They're in my face
I've got 3 finals and 2 papers
to be done in just five days!
I should never have gone out
And I should never have partied
'Cause now all this work I have
It's all piling up on me!

And I must go
to the libraryo
To do research on those papers
And study harder than before
It's hell, I'll tell you that
and you know it's not a lie
But I can't crumble
I can't lay down and die

Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I'll be alive!
I've got five more days to live
and I think my brain will give
But I'll survive!
I will survive!



The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
$80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants:

5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.



Wun Hung Lo Chinese Restaurant
Carry Out Menu

MEAT DISHES

1. Bol Oxs......................Hot Meat Balls
2. Sur Kum Sihz..............Sausage Slices
3. Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4. Dik Sor.......................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder
5. Eja Kul Lait.................Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6. Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage
7. Long Dik.....................Coq in van
8. Yu Nux.......................Meatball extract
9. Veri Ti Rin..................Massive extrusion of forcemeat 

VEGETABLES

10. Wan Kin.........................Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Sof...........................Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat...........Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu.........................Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik............................Young sprouts
15. Du Reks..........................Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread 

SAUCES

18. Pei Sol.......................Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum.....................Hot custard
21. Tor Soff.....................Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol..........Invisible brown sauce without nuts 

SPECIALITIES

24. Lik Mein...................Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu.....................Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei.................Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag.................Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo......................Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee.....................Pick of the week 

DESSERTS

31. Vee Dee......................Spotted Dick
32. Kum In Yu..................Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong......................Crap suzette
34. Kum Lots....................Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik.......................Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee.........................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum...........Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.....Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak..............Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere......................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong.....................Chinese snifters
44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice 

BEVERAGES

45. Yu Rine..................Jasmine Tea
46. Wob Li Tit...............Milk Shake 

Chopsticks extra. 


ABORT, RETRY, IGNORE?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, 
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
spreadsheets.

Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to
store, Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring,
fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to
churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the
stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer,
only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? 
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some
more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing
more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard
bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be
restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as
before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my
patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but
twice as hard.

I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then
I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. 
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. 
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. 
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through
the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very
core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone
forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be
stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether,
into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus,
Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander,
lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"



A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after 
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, 
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began 
fondling her. 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought 
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she 
screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



The worlds first computerized airliner was ready for its maiden
flight without pilot or crew. The plain taxied along the
loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, 
the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plain and took their seats. The
steps retreated automatically, the doors closed and the plain
taxied towards the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the
world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this
aircraft is run automatically. Just sit back and relax. 

Nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go
wrong..."


(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.


Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them
is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known
as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the
convent...

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to
start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing 
to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. 
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man
decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathmatical arrives
at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not
yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what
happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow
both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast
as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to
run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down.

Oh, and you thought it was a dirty joke, didn't you?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



The first letter is one MIT sent out, The second is one they
got back.

April 18, 1994
John Mongan
...

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores.
And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised.
Most students would be. But you're not most students. And
that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the
most selective universities in America. The level of potential
reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you
might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got
my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to
learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from
architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics
(perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life
here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT
students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the
classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity
teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous
intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got
surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more
about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?

Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled
brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the
form.

...

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity.
And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're 
surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge
you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in
America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the
thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your
letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution
might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education.
It certainly got my attention! Don't want Bio-Chem students? No
problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover
over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from 
object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest
professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I
*am* self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing.
John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with
him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played
more sports - 47 - than almost any other student.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've
got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to
increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not
do it right now?

Sincerely,

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled
brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.


Handy tips for Coca Cola 

Clean a toilet bowl. 
Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet
bowl. Let the real thing sit for one hour, then brush and flush
clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous
china,

Remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers.
Rubbing the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola will help remove rust spots,

Clean corrosion from car battery terminals.
Pour a can of carbonated Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion,

Loosen a rusted bolt.
Applying a cloth soaked in a carbonated soda to the rusted bolt
for several minutes,

Bake a moist ham.
Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in
aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is
finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy,

Remove grease from clothes.
Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy work clothes, add
detergent, and run through a regular wash cycle. The Coca-Cola
will help loosen grease stains.


A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town
during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he
noticed that the town was populated solely by men. 

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get
the urge for a woman?" 

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We
just go git us one." 

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer. 

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer.
He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show
these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest
sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her,
served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,
and then took the sheep to bed. 

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out
for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep
under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks,
and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. 

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if
I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all
along. I'm just doing it with more class." 

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the
sheriff's gal you're with." 



A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes
into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read,
'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am,
there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few
seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died -
1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


High-tech toys tied to the new "Star Wars" movie will hit
shelves soon. "The toys can talk and are interactive, so they
can be easily distinguished from 'Star Wars' fans." 
~Conan O'Brien



TOP WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT
IF IT WERE WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS

12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.

11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced,
and written in a large font.

9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't
dorm food.

7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes Paul's E-Mail To:
abuse@romans.gov

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs:
Finals, not Armageddon.

4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40
years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like
Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting
on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night
before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.


During WWII a marine fighting out of a foxhole gets an uninvited combatant who is obviously an American Indian. He tries to communicate with him but to no avail. So he reasons to himself that most all Indians know sign language.

He begins by dancing his fingers across the ground several times asking him are you in the infantry? The Indian says nothing. So holding his arm over
his head slowly moving it downward while repetitively touching his fingers to his thumb, he
asks the Indian, "Are you a paratrooper?" Again no reply. 

Being a bit frustrated and running out of options he reasons to himself, I know this fucking guy is an American fighter; he's carrying a MI carbine! The marine then takes both hands, makes fists and mimics like he is riding a horse, asking him, "Are you in the Calvary?" At this point the Indians eyes widen and he is obviously a little nervous. Again no reply. 

Now the marine can think of only one more department in the military, to whom this man must be affiliated. He makes two fists extending the index fingers and placed them on the sides of his face next to his eyes while making a poking motion repeatedly. "Then you must be a spy!"

At this the Indian leaps from the foxhole in terror and jumps into the next available one he happens to see. Fortunately an Indian occupies this one and seeing the terror on this mans face, he asks his brother, "What in the hell is your problem?"

He proceeds to tell him, in sign language, what had just taken place. (You now reenact the four signs given above.) 

"I just came from this foxhole where this marine told me that when all the men leave and the sun goes down I'm going to fuck you till your eyes pop out!"




A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


"Stan Kegel" kegel@fea.net Sends:

Star Wars Puns 

By: Kirk Miller <kirkmiller@juno.com>

In honor of the new Star Wars movie (The Phantom Menace), I present Star Wars Special Edition puns. Pass them on to PUNY members, if you like.

Getting in to see The Phantom Menace is a daunting task. First you must fight Star Wars fans to buy a ticket. Then you must battle lines of fans to get inside the movie theater and get a good seat. They
ought to call the movie The FAN-DOM Menace.

In Star Wars, why did the Evil Empire leave Catholic nuns alone?
Force of habit.

Luke Skywalker was raised on Tatooine by his uncle, OWEN to the fact that Luke's parents weren't around. Obi-Wan Kenobi thought of LUCAS a
son to him, by GEORGE. Days passed slowly for Luke Skywalker when he lived on Tatooine, but training under Yoda made the DAGOBAH faster.

Darth Sidious's diabolical plan was the result of introspection about the dark side of the force. That is why, when Darth Maul was asked about the plan, he replied, "Insidious."

Chewbacca was raised on Earth by human parents. He was an excellent athlete and played baseball for the Los Angeles Dodgers. His first
year in the big leagues he batted .300 and was name WOOKIE of the year.

Did you know that the princess buys most of her clothes on LEIA-way?
Her love interest wears HAN-me-downs.

In an attempt to gain control of Alderaan and other planets in the sector, the Evil Emperor offered the planet's leaders some very favorable trade policies. But the leaders saw through the ploy and realized that the Emperor was doing all the right things for ALDERAAN reasons.

You can tell if a male creature supports the alliance by the way EWOK.

One of the Beverly Hillbillies was part of the Rebel Alliance. When his relatives talked to their patriarch, they would say, "JEDI know you are the boss."

Most life forms like hard candy. Wookies like theirs CHEWIE.

Young Skywalker was lost on the frozen planet Hoth. Han Solo rescued Luke by keeping him warm inside a dead animal (a Ton Ton). Solo returned Skywalker to the rebel base filthy and foul smelling. Han scowled at the people in the rebel base and gave them a dirty LUKE.

Some humanoids think these wea-puns are SOLO. LUKE out! More are to come. Sorry, it is just a JABBA mine. I could have told these puns to anybody, but YODA one I chose. If someone says you aren't, simply reply, "R2." 
~By Kirk Miller


At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just
looked at the clock to determine my annoyance 
level, when I received a frantic phone call
from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had 
gotten her entire family out of the house and 
was calling from her neighbor's. She had just
received her first system error and 
interpreted the picture of the bomb on the
screen as a warning that the computer was going
to blow up.
-=-=-=-=-=-
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the
Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you
see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what
you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 
'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point
I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest
of the tech support staff what had happened. I 
couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got
back to the call.) 
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the
keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
-=-=-=-=-=-
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask
how to install the batteries in her laptop. When
told that the directions were on the first page of 
the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just
paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going
to read the book."
-=-=-=-=-=-
Customer: "I received the software update you
sent, but I am still getting the same error
message." 
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it
to get it to work?"
-=-=-=-=-=-
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing
Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."


Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side
of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button
displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-=-=-=-=-=-
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new
PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding
the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

At our company we have asset numbers on the
front of everything. They give the location,
name, and everything else just by scanning the
computer's asset barcode or using the number
beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset
number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front
of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big
bar . . ."
-=-=-=-=-=-
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing
your software. I've got a fairly old computer,
and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the
A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads
off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file 
is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the
correct place-it can't help but do something. 
Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L 
and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause)
"Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you
sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is
stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that
matter?


Customer: "I got this problem. You people
sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive
won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad 
disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work
at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What
kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The
disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. 
So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. 
That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get
the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended
up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you
push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter
and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the
butter in the drive, around the disk, and that 
got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a
disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put
melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to 
pull the disk out?" At this point, I put the call 
on the speaker phone and motioned at the other
techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on 
this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to
get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers
to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button
that was sticking out when the disk was in the
drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject 
button?"
- Silence -.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject
button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my 
computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my
computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are
going to sue our company because you put the disk
in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions 
we sent you, didn't actually seek professional
advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how 
to use your computer properly, instead proceeding
to pour butter into the drive and physically rip
the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a
chance, since we do record every call and have it
on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're

supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is
nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."


PRESS RELEASE

July 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today
that it will provide office furniture with it's
software. The next release of Windows, code named
Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra
charge.

"This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson
said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at
way of expanding our installed base." The spokesperson
denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair
competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our
customers. They've asked for more built in features,
and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their
computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows
to reboot."

Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the
chair to lack substantial features found in most of the
competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough
to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated
that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. 

Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft
Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers
were surprised to find the backless chair at their
doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first time we've
received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft."
~author unknown 




It is by the goodness of God that in our country we
have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom
of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to
never practice either of them.
~Mark Twain (about America)

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



"Joe Zaino" j.zaino@ lind-waldock.com Sends:

Phone someone, then;
Question: What has a small dick and hangs down?
What?
Answer : A bat
Question: What has a big dick and hangs up?
What?
(CLICK)(hang up) 


A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO PROPER FLOPPY DISK CARE

1.Never leave the diskette in the disk drive, as data
can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner
mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up
and stored in pencil holders. 

2.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to
spin faster, resulting in better access time. 

3.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in
"little" disk drives. 

4.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down.
The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam
the intricate mechanics of the drive. 


5.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through
the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be
written on both diskettes. 

6.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the
drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could
result in smeared or unreadable text. Occasiionally the
red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung"
or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will
probably need to insert a few coins before being
allowed access to the slot. 

7.If your diskette is full and you need more storage
space, remove the disk from the drive and shake
vigourously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data
enough (using Data Compression) to allow for more
storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with Scotch
tape to prevent data loss. 

8.Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting
more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide
more simultaneous access points to the disk. 

9.Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage
glasses, provided that they are properly waxed
beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before
using. See item 2 for more details. 

10.Never use scissors and glue to manually edit
documents. The data is stored much too small for the
naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other
documents stuck in the middle of your own. Razor blades
and Scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user
is equipped with an electron microscope. 

11.Periodically spray the diskettes with insecticide to
prevent system bugs from spreading. 

12.Care should be taken to stop disks getting too cold.
If they do, however, all is not lost. Simply put them
in a preheated oven gas mark 9 (190C) for twenty
minutes on a lightly greased baking tray.

You should have no trouble with diskettes now. 


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has
provided the answer to: "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked
with me everyday.

Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it
is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion
for you that will be with you forever and who will be a
reflection of my love for you, so that you will know
that I love you even when you cannot see me. Regardless
of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will
love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for
Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this
new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his
name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and 
loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian
angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become
filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock
and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too
well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see
him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not always
worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


When their train stopped briefly at a large station
house in Canada, an American couple traveling
cross-country by rail stepped onto the platform to
stretch their legs.

Stopping in front of one of the locals lounging near a
pile of baggage, the American asked, "What town is
this?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," came the reply.

"Why don't you ask this next gentleman, dear?" the
man's wife said, "Perhaps he speaks English."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>






A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming
to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic
videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place
orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining
that under the present law they are unable to supply
the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they
return their customers' money in the form of a company
check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people
ever bother to present these to their banks.

The name of the company:
'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'



"Wilfred Cote" wcote@ webtv.net Sends:

A group of women were sitting around the office
chatting and one said, "Have you heard about the new
milk bath ,that will make you beautiful?" "Fill your
tub with milk and soak in it for 1/2 hour and it will
make you beautiful." 

One of the women went home from work and decided she
would try it. She wrote a note for the milk man to
leave 15 gallons of milk the next morning. The milkman
arrived , found the note and thought there must be a
mistake so he knocked on the door.

"Mrs. Smith, did you want 15 gallons of milk or 1.5
gallons?" "Oh yes i want 15 gallons I'm going to take
a bath in it and it will make me beautiful."

"Pasturized?" the milkman asks.

"No, just up to my tits"


Here's a list of phrases to use when you want to be
left alone (on long flights, at parties, bus rides,
etc).

1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at
least I have her skin to remember her by.
2) Have you ever tried cat meat?
3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the
playground really miss me.
4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always
gives me gas.
6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every
penny!
7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with
a dead man next to me!
8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
10) My butt reeeally itches!
11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just
yanked out of my nose!
12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my
desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland
creatures.
13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a
respirator.
14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
15) I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!
16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks!
How about you?
17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together
anymore.
18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for
killing my own sister?!
20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I
need it or not!
22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
23) Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my
throat - that'll wake me up.
25) Wanna buy a gerbil?
26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa
there right behind the Savior David!
27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil
business has really taken off.
28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they
gave me at the border!
29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.
30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a
garbage truck.
32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic
- he was doing much better when I left a couple days
ago.
33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
34) I collect aluminum foil.
35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a
seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his
peers!
36) I work in a landfill.
37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work
hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home
and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
40) (With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get
divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?



The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its
behind.
~ Joseph Stilwell

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
~ Jackie Gleason



WHERE TO SEND YOUR KID FOR SUMMER CAMP:

JUNGLE SURVIVAL CAMP: This camp is located deep within
the jungle of Chiapas, Mexico. For a mere $1,000 a week
your child can learn such important skills as how to
gain support from local villagers, automatic weapon
maintenance, and political use of web sites for
counterrevolutionary movements.

BIKE ACROSS AMERICA CAMP: Children enrolled in this
camp are expected to bicycle from Washington D.C. to
San Francisco in less than 3 months. Along the way,
they will learn how to fund-raise for the cause of
their choice, conduct interviews with local television
stations, and repair flat tires. Parents must provide
their child's bike.

CAMP SNIPE: The ever popular snipe hunt caps a week of
outdoor camaraderie at this Maine camp. 

CAMP BRONX. "We offer rural children a chance to
experience city life by helping to reconstruct
tenements, working in soup kitchens, and riding the
subways at night." Sounds like fun.

FUGAWEE INDIAN CAMP: Campers enrolled in this
traditional native American-style camp will learn
useful skills taught by our Fugawee Indian staff, such
as the marketing of bead work and baskets to tourists,
and how to run a casino.

THE GUADALUPE RIVER CAMP: A three day canoe trip down
the Guadalupe River in Texas highlights this camping
experience. Campers are encouraged to look for illegal
dumping of chemical waste and can expect to encounter
the always dangerous native Texan along the route.

THE SUPERSTITION MOUNTAIN RANCH CAMP: Not only do
campers get to round up cattle and do all the other
nasty work of a ranch in temperatures exceeding 110
degrees, this camp also schedules weekend outings into
the Supersition Mountains to look for the Lost Dutchman
Goldmine. Parents are required to sign an extensive
release and hold harmless agreement in the event their
children join the hundreds of people who have vanished
mysteriously in these mountains.

BEAR CAMP: This camp, located on Kodiak Island in
Alaska, focuses on the study of the American grizzly
bear. Campers must be able to run 100 yards in under 12
seconds to qualify for this camp.

INTERROCKING MUSIC CAMP: If your child is musically
inclined, and you are sick and tired of hearing
amplified guitar music at home, this is the place for
you. Located 60 miles from the nearest human habitation
in western Arizona, children can play rock music as
loud as they wish until 4 in the morning. Note: all
camp personnel are deaf.

CAMP CONGRESS: A popular camp in Washington, D.C.,
participants pretend they are members of Congress for a
week. The camper obtaining the largest amount of
corporate donations for the camp wins a special award.

UNITED NATIONS CAMP: New York City hosts this
educational camp for children seeking careers in the
foreign service. Campers are each designated as an
ambassador from some obscure country, and spend the
week bickering and complaining about the lack of United
States financial support for the United Nations. A
highlight of this camping experience is an object
lesson in diplomatic immunity as campers spend a day
with the New York City police handing out parking
tickets to real diplomats.

SPACE STATION CAMP: Campers pretend they are living on
the Russian space station Mir, sleeping in cramped
quarters, eating nothing but beets, and practicing
extinguishing the ever-exciting fires on the station.

MIGRATORY LABOR CAMP: This camp specializes in weight
loss for weight challenged kids. Campers learn how to
pick lettuce, tomatoes, green onions, and strawberries
in California's central valley. Spanish language
education also offered. 


Two Kiwis (New Zealanders) are working at the top of a
high rise building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) and
Muck (Mick). Anyway, Phul turns to Muck & says "Cawww
I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh"

"Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replies Muck. "I'll
stand on this ind and balance ut"

"Are You sure Muck?"

"Yis, no worries"
"100 %?"
"YIS!"

So out goes Phul to take a piss, but before he's
finished the lunch siren sounds. Muck forgets what he's
supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phul, of
course, is a goner.

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a
bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a Bar discussing
which of their respective nations chase women the
hardest. Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known
to miss a piss-up session down the pub with me mates
trying to crack on to sheilas!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French
chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of
love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet
ees us for sure"

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says "No, You
blokes are both wrong, the other month I was walking
past a building site in Auckland, following these 2
gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting
from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming:
"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"
-=-=-



After discovering her young daughter playing doctor
with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the
boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and
confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore
their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the
neighbor said.

"Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. 
"He took out her appendix!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The Duffer

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a
match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the
duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to
even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'.

The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he
went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club
members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the
duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first
hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck
his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while

yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes
of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"



A man was driving along a dusty road, when all of
a sudden he ran out of gas. The man walked to the
nearest house and asked if he could get some gas.

Just as he went inside the house, it started to
pour rain. The owner of the house said that he
could stay the night, 'but if you go into the
garage' he said 'there is a monster there. no
matter what you do don't touch it.'

The man agreed to this, and went up to the
guestroom. The man was curious, so he went down to
the garage, and there, sure enough was the
monster... it was huge and ugly. 

The man thought that he'd see what would happen if 
he threw something at him. So he picked up a rock 
and threw it at the monster... nothing, the man made
a horrible face at him... nothing, the man tried
calling him names. Still nothing. Then the man
reached over and touched the monster. 

Up the monster jumped and started chasing after the
man. The monster chased the man all over the country
side, until the man reached a cliff. The man
thought that he was going to die, so he curled up
into a little ball, and waited for the monster.

Just then the monster came up and was right over
top of him. The monster reached down and said,
'You're It.'


THE HUSBAND 

So here I sit, in all my glory,
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story,
Once had a wife--she was such a dear, 
Then came the Internet, and it all disappeared!

Now there she sits , for hours on end,
I don't care where I'm goin', 
don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine,
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.

She gets outta work and rushes home, 
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer--that's all she missed!

Talking to buddies, checking the mail 
All her priorities--I'm in cyber Hell!
My stomach's growling-- it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!

Drink me a beer, stare at the walls,
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my balls, 
Farting and burping all while I pee,
Can you believe she's there?? She could be with ME!

~Author Unknown





Bob asks his wife what she would like to celebrate
their 25th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new
Mink Coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Karen.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" asks Bob.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he
suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Bob
asks.

"Bob, I'd like a divorce," answers Karen.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says
Bob.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped
and returned to the gate. After waiting about an hour,
it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the
flight attendant what had happened. 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," said the attendant. "It took us an hour to
find another pilot!"


This is an excerpt from the New Mills and Boon
Australian novel

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the
evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that
earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough
to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet
whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead
added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We
lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and
have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself
to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that

this was what she had been waiting for as she
frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was
fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the
ultimate in sex. 

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of
position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every
time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all
too soon. As sexual tension heightened towards the
inevitable Mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do
to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting
for was upon us.

As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass.
As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted
into the Darkness of approaching night, as we lay there
still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long
and loving and whispered how good she had been, she
tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and 
whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock. 


The 12-Step Program for AAS (AOL Addict Survivors)

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read
my newspaper like I use to, before AOL.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not
with one hand typing. 

3) I will get dressed before noon. 

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the
dog, get the kids off to school, all before even
thinking of AOL.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those
unfortunate few friends and family that are AOL-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot
contact via AOL.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 

8) I will listen to those around me and thier needs and
stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear
AOL. 

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check
for email. 

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a
week, if it is necessary or not. 

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I
forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy
on AOL.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go
to bed some time....and AOL will always be there
tomorrow! 





A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple
sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with
his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his
asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance. 

The cop says, "What the hell is going on?" 

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I
wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding
down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home,
so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke." 

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke." 

She says, "Yeah? Wait'll I switch this finger to his
mouth."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer
uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the
usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three
days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was
getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things
to amuse him with. 

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a
gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to
cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went,

dogs in trail. 

After a few hours, the nephew returned. 

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. 

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more
dogs?" 



WELCOME TO HELL

Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by
now -- this is hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. 
You can call me Toby, if you like. We try and keep
things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need
tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know
everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have
to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read
your bible you would have seen that it was damnation
without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before
you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very
much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me?

CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers -- over
there please, thieves if you could join them, and BANK
MANAGERS.

Fornicators, if you could step forward -- My God there
are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers
and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line
in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this,
apparently God had some fracas with your founding
fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He
sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.

The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us --
someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last
nine months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a
right bunch of charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models,
masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could
take a pew at the back -- with the Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that
right? Ah, yes, I must remember -- I've got some
strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian," I'm
afraid He can't take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing -- we're trying to
implement some sort of exchange scheme with the Lord
God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will
spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels
down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that you will
be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I
hope you will do the exact opposite -- tear off their
wings, use their haloes for Frisbee practice, that
sort of thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show
you the ropes, chains, and electrodes.

I'll just leave you with a favorite joke of mine...

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Death.
Death wh..........


If you get this pledge and delete it, your selfishness
knows no bounds....such a small promise to make...
Sign it and adhere to it.

Please sign and DON'T pass this on. Even if you don't
sign this, still DON'T pass it on.

"I pledge NEVER to send chain letters to my favorite
humor mailing list."

1.John Smith
2.Mary Smith
3.Paul Smith
4.Alfred Smith
5.Joe Smith
6.Peggy Smith
7.Deborah Smith
8.Jenny Smith
9.Michele Smith
10.Susan Smith
11.David Smith
12.Eric Smith
13.Amanda smith
14.Emily Smith
15.Kevin Smith
16.Ben Smith
17.Carol Jones (Hi! I'm new to this list.)
18.Herbert Smith
19.George Smith
20.Katherine Smith
21.Matt Smith
22.Lisa Smith
23.Bart Smith
24.Homer Smith
25.Marge Smith
26.Sue Yourass-Foritt (business lawyer in N.Y.)
27.Alison Smith
28.Daryl Smith
28.Daryl Smith (We're twins)
29.Neil Smith
30.Adam Smith
31.Aero Smith



Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old
folks home. One turned to the other and asked,
"Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your
husband have mutual orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute
and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


You'll need a calculator for this...

Dolly Parton wants to lose 69 pounds (key in 69) at the
cost of $22.00 (key in 22) in 251 days (key in 251). 

But after 8 weeks (multiply 6922251 by 8), she was
shocked because she was...

Turn the calculator upside down to find out the
answer! 


1200 people attended the recent International Psychic
Society conference. 

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised) 

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised) 

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be
solid?" (23% of the hands were raised) 

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a
ghost?" (3% of the hands were raised) 

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the

hall went up) 

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia." 

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?" 

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat." 


Peter Marshall's Favorite Answers from
Hollywood Squares:

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would
like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants
her to wait a while. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters
star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who
plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked
the question.

3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other
cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't
recommend the cookies.

4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your
wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for
its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up
to him.

6. Robert Young recently stated, "I never, never
give..." something to his fans who ask for it. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.

7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he
was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of
the best things I ever did. What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.

8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at least
two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have
something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined
more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left
something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.

12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet
guests by running toward them at full speed, then
high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly
embarrassing to tall guests.

13. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head
right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

14. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you
should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should
do it.

15. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under
water.

16. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you
probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.

17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.

18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their
street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze
your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.

20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to
get curious about sex, what is the one question he will
most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

21. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to
cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn.



Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about
their respective professions. The first guy says, "I'm
a YUPPIE...Ya know... Young, Urban, Professional."

The second guys says "I'm a DINK... Ya know, Double
Income No Kids."

They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied.... "I'm a WIFE... Ya know, Wash, Iron,
Fuck, Etc."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


At the Bar (Pun)

It's about 10 pm on a Wednesday night, and a guy
sitting at a bar is about ready to go home. Before he
gets a chance to walk out, the bartender says to him,
"Hey buddy," why're ya goin' home so soon? I usually
see you here until past midnight. Something wrong?

The guy responds, "No aint nothin' wrong, just gotta
sore behind from sittin' on this stool for so long."

"Buddy, I got just the thing for ya." says the
bartender as he's reaching up to the top shelf behind
the bar. He pulls a bottle of pills, opens the bottle
and hands the guy two pills.

The guy says, "What're these, aspirin?"

"No," says the bartender... "stool softener."




Useful Phrases to Know When Traveling in Arab
Countries:

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN
-Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR-GABUL CARDAN DIVAT RAEH CUSH DIVAR
-I'am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie
down on the floor with my arms above my head and my
legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE
-I agree with everything you have ever said or thought
in your life

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH - HAST
-It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel
in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAAYEH
MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVARHMAN
-If you will do me the kindness of not harming my
genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by
betraying my couintry in public

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY
-I will tell you the names and addresses of many
american spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI
-Whatever you say

MATERNIER CHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN
-The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO
BEGERAM
-The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank
you. I must have the recipe.

ETEHFORAN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO
HAFTAEH BA BODENEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ
-Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly
esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person
of Cheryl Teigs.


A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia
as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing
on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we
do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly
is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a
building," they would turn off the lights and lock the
doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one
could enter. Marines would assault the building,
capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and
close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a
three-year lease with an option to buy. 



25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work:

1. It's an incentive to show up. 

2. It reduces stress. 

3. It leads to more honest communications. 

4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a
hangover. 

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what
management wants to hear. 

7. Makes communication interesting due to mumbling and
slurred speech. 

8. It encourages carpooling. 

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a
lousy job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
come to work. 

11. It makes fellow employees look better. 

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they
are wasted. 

14. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen
as "gross."

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so
embarrassing. 

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need
to relax at the bar. 

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 

18. Increases your chances of seeing your coworkers
drunk and naked.
(Note: This might also be a reason for NOT serving
alcohol at work.) 

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on
their lunch break. 

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 

21. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 

22. A list of 25 reasons, does not have to be 25
reasons long...


Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal
trainer was placed in the local paper. 

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female. 

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer,
so he would choose the one with the best act. 

At first glance it appeared that the female was much
better prepared, since she came to the interview in a
very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked
more like a model than a trainer. 

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar
stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. 

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man
said, "Ladies before Gentleman." 

So the lady asked for her special music to be played,
and once the music started she entered the cage with a
flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to
release the tiger. 

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady
threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on
the chair as naked as the day she was born. 

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then
suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her
legs and started licking. She threw back her head
moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs.
She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage. 

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's
quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?" 

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said,
"No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage! 




<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away
from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister
Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint
o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never

do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother
Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her
constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home.
As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister
Mary Katherine. And she was hammered. She was singing
and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like
a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and
exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You
told me this was for the Mother Superior's
constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she
replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees
me, she's going to shit!" 



Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive
car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control
up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the
road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and
remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping
them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your
bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in
which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat
and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
The following morning you can create the effects of
hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing
liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.


Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so
I thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer
efficiently with the Internet. 

Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the
form of electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes
two full professors of physics and a graduate student just to see
one), but they are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy
space. This can be used to your advantage. 

For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject
to the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the net,
the process can be made faster by having your computer, hard disk, and
modem BELOW your telephone jack so gravity can speed the process. On
the other hand, when you upload a file to the net, hold your computer,
hard drive, and modem ABOVE your telephone jack, thus combining
uploading with a brisk cardiovascular workout. If your phone jack is
at floor level, have it raised or your downloading will always be
slow. 

You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk
becomes a real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in
two ways. First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a
separate storage device. Secondly, change the typeface and size of all
retained files to 3 point Times Condensed. Considerably less space and
hence, fewer electrons and less weight will be on your hard drive. 

The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance.
Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and
uploads so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate
for small imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte
program you should immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The
easiest way to do this is to create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte
file of gibberish which you can transmit so a friend or news group
chosen at random. ( For all you AOLers, just click the FORWARD button
when you receive a FWD: and make sure that it goes out to your entire
recipient list, those generally take up about 8 MB as well. oops, who
said that?)



Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world.
He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave
him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an
attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat
around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I
worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I
finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were
one inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a
heartbeat.
~Christopher Ames 


Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are
not transparent.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy
butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital
region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou
wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting
down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape
at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in
thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants
are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded. 


History Lessons (Puns) 

Fu Man Chu
This is a story about the famous Chinese general Fu Man Chu who went
to invade Siberia during the winter. One of the defending Siberian
generals had spies who would run up into the mountains, spy on the
Chinese, and return with messages about the state of the invaders. 

During one night, there was a terrible snow and ice storm, and the
renowned Chu was said to have died from the cold. 

The messenger returned to the Siberian general's camp and gave the
following report, ... "Many are cold, but Chu is frozen."


Thai Justice
Throughout the 17th, 18th, and most of the 19th century the
punishment for many crimes (including such comparatively minor ones as
picking pockets) in Thailand was the ritual blinding of the offender.
This punishment became more and more unpopular and an underground
resistance movement developed. 

The men who performed this ritual blinding became the increasingly
common target for assassination, usually by bombs. Indeed, so many
were killed by bombs that the position became increasingly difficult
to fill. The pay was high, but the danger of death by explosion was
higher. 

In time the government gave up and abandoned blinding as a means of
punishment. 

Today we remember the resistance movement because of their famous
protest song: ... "Blast Be The Thai That Blinds."


The Czar
It's said that, during the reign of Czar Nicholas II, an American
visitor to the royal court was boasting about the Grand Canyon.
Nicholas, not to be outdone by a mere American, retorted that Mother
Russia had its own canyon, one that dwarfed the American's puny excuse
for a canyon. 

"Show me!" insisted the American. Nicholas agreed, and the two
undertook a trip to the site of the Russian canyon. 

After many days of travel, they reached the site -- where Nicholas
revealed that there was no Russian canyon, and he had been pulling his
visitor's leg all along. 

This may be the first recorded instance of ... czar chasm. 
(By Robert Payes)


History Deconstructed
In addition to what we normally hear in history class, the famous
early-19th century French general was not only responsible for a
revolution in military strategy, but also he helped develop certain
pieces of weaponry such as the hand grenade. 

The only problem occurred when a friend asked him what would happen
if one of his weapons was detonated on the kitchen floor. 

Clearly, the answer was ... linoleum blown-apart.


Darius the Mede
Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient
history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius,
mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede. 

Some of those present took the different view that Darius was
actually from Persia. 

Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, "Let's not
argue this! ... After all, one man's Mede is another man's Persian." 

... "Are you Shah?" 

... "Sultanly"


A Bit of History 
In the year 356 B.C., Philip of Macedonia and his wife Olympia were
about to become the proud parents of a baby boy. 

It had been foretold that the child would grow up to become a famous

leader and warrior. 

The night before the child was born, a voice spoke to Philip in a
dream. "Arise, go out into the streets and seek a most mysterious
sign. When you behold evidence that nocturnal birds of prey have begun
nesting underground in the city's drainage system, The name by which
your illustrious son will be known for all time will be revealed to
you." 

Philip awoke, told his wife about the voice and quickly went out to
seek the sign. After a short while he returned. 

"Well tell me," said Olympia, "did you see anything?" 

... "Yes, owl eggs under the grate!"



It took the Department of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and
revoke this personalized license plate:

3M TA3

Can you tell why?
(see answer near end of message)

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The Mechanic

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a
mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently,
learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached,
she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had
obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor,
saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed
adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I
gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the
muffler..." 



It took the Department of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and
revoke this personalized license plate:

3M TA3

Because it reads EAT ME in a rear view mirror.


The Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from
the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the
parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top
of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually
counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more
chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that
handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in
the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would
be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?



The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet
me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me,
love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet
me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder
entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to
the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the
names of my victims before I kill them, what is your
name?" 

"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied. 

The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was
also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you." 

The intruder then turned to the husband and asked,
"What is your name?" 

"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth." 



VIRUS WARNING

This virus warning is genuine.

If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via
email, internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for
months and those who have been tempted to open it or
even look at it have found that their social life is
deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the
virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've
had enough of your shit... I'm off down the pub'. The
'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain
and your career will now be successfully destroyed.

If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply
lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and
deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the
nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of
beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will
find that 'work' will no longer be of any relevance to
you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest children's
cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you
do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the
'work' virus has already corrupted your life.



WindowsError #021
This virus requires Microsoft Windows.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The worst computer virus known to modern technology is
the idiot.



IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD: 

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically 
forward your call to her real number. 

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an 
acceptable Response To "I love you." 

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" 
cards. 

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out. 

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would
pretty much do it. 

Birth control would come in ale or lager. 

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." 

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL Team of your choice. 

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 


"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred
Flintstone. 

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. 

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 

Tanks would be far easier to rent. 

Garbage would take itself out. 

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." 

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that
said, "You're #1!" 

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years. 

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. 

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the
same. 

But it would be celebrated every month. 

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks. 

Two words: Ally McNaked. 

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most
lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. 

The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the losers. 

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. 

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full
tank of gas. 

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free
cards per year. 

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As
in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All
I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." 
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." 

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." 

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot
thong. 

People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. 

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
of conversation. 


A man collects package at the Post Office.
At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and
the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy
birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office
worker.

"33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the
worker. "Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus
stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he
arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my
birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..."
"No don't tell me," interjects the old lady,
"I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."

"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man.
"If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can
tell exactly how old you are." says the old lady.

"I don't believe it."
"Well let me prove it!"

"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the
man.

"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the
lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of
the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."
After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally
takes her hands out of his pants.

"You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims!

"How the fuck did you know that?!," exclaims the man,

obviously impressed.

"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said
the old lady.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A guy goes into confession and says to the priest:
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and
11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with
two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them...
twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time
you were in confession?"

"Never father, I'm jewish."

"So then, why are you here, telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone."




A Guide To Man-Machine Interface

USER-FRIENDLY
-------------
C:\ DUR
Command not found. Try retyping

USER-HELPFUL
------------
C:\ DUR
I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

USER-UNFRIENDLY
---------------
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR
C:\ DUR

USER-HOSTILE
------------
C:\ DUR
Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so
that's what I'll do.

USER-INDIFFERENT
----------------
C:\ DUR
DUR?

USER-PATRONISING
----------------
C:\ DUR
Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try
again; this time,use the manual that the nice
salesperson gave you when you bought me.

USER-OBSEQUIOUS
---------------
C:\ DUR
I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that.
I'm sure it was my fault, but if you would please try
again I'll do my best.

USER-SARCASTIC
--------------
C:\ DUR
Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I
don't think.

USER-INSULTING
--------------
C:\ DUR
Kiss off
C:\ DIR
Kiss off

USER-SMUG
---------
C:\ DUR
No
C:\ DOR
Nope
C:\ HELP
No
C:\ PLEASE
Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
C:\ BASTARD
Abuse will get you nowhere

USER-ANALYTICAL
---------------
C:\ DUR
What makes you say that?
C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:\ BANANAS
Do you like bananas?
C:\ I LOVE THEM
Why do you bring up the subject of love?
...etc

USER-McDONALD
-------------
May I help you please?
C:\ DUR
I'm sorry but that command is not available at this
time. Have a nice day.
C:\ DIR
Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
C:\ YES
To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:\ HERE
Thank you. Have a nice day.

USER-MEGALOMANIAC
-----------------
C:\ DUR
Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.





This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be
a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down
to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well,
he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his
butt!

He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and
music starts playing!

". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the
road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A.
and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he
says, and pulls the cork out again,

". . . On the road again . . ."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?",
the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing
country music!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes
to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special
of the day?" 

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got
the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee,
and the waitress goes to fetch it. 

As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating
a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help
yourself," replied his neighbor. 

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring
the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he
noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the
bowl. 

Sickened, he vomited the chili he had just eaten back
into the bowl. 

"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man
sitting next to him.


Breaking Up By Major

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a
substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the
relationship.

RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses
God.

ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses
the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW
it!"

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what
goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and
Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2
weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"

BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too
much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be
single.

ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by
something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away
to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can
supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup
letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and
conclusion, that doesn't really say anything
substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a
learning experience.

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't
interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a
floppy."

E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there
are positives and negatives, but..."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on
anyway..."

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"

PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's
no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but
lacked sophisticated communication skills.

PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.

COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"

MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or,in
Tennessee, a country song) to express his or her
sorrow.

LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating
agreement.


There is that percentage of the on-line population of
these United States who are known to frequent the
cyber-world phenomenon known as the "chat room". These
people no doubt are aware of various acronyms and
descriptions which are commonly used in such venues,
but may not be aware of the real meaning of some of the
phrases which they read and/or write on a regular
basis. Following is an interpretive expose on what some
of this "chat" actually means: 

***CYBERSPEAK IN 12 EASY LESSONS*** 

Weights and Measures (Male Gender)
----------------------------------
Cyberspeak Conversion Table

"10 inches" The length of a #2 pencil
"very thick" The width of a #2 pencil
"tall" Able to go on the big rides at Disneyland

Weights and Measures (Female Gender)
------------------------------------
Cyberspeak Conversion Table

"weight" Add a small beagle (i.e. 120 lbs. = 150 lbs.)
"bustline" Deflate for 5 seconds (i.e. 40D = 32B)
"shoe size" Add room for toes (i.e. 7 1/2 = 10)

Descriptive (Male Gender)
-------------------------
Cyberspeak Translation

"attractive" Does not induce immediate vomiting or
spontaneous internal combustion
"masculine" Can grow a better mustache than his mother
"sexy" Has a way with animals

Descriptive (Female Gender)
---------------------------
Cyberspeak Translation

"attractive" Has been hit on by an adult male with less
than 20% blood alcohol level (excluding relatives,
lighting required)
"feminine" Does not chew plug tobacco or consider
bathing to be "sissy stuff"
"sexy" Can legally belly dance without liability
insurance

CYBERSPEAK STANDARD DIALECT

Intellectual Measurement Translations
-------------------------------------
"genius" Agrees with you
"160 IQ" Once outwitted a cocker spaniel
"moron" Disagrees with you
"idiot" Was outwitted by you

Common Acronym Translations
---------------------------
"brb" My mother is in the room
"rofl" Rolling on the floor with Lassie
"lol" Luvin' on Lassie
"roflmao" Lassie and I have decided to get married

Heckler Subdialect Translations
-------------------------------
"check your Terms of Service (TOS)" I want my mommy
"if you don't like it here, leave" I want my mommy
"(yawn)" My brain needs more oxygen, as usual
"heckler of the day" The one who laughs most at your
jokes
"cyberbrawl" Twenty HEK's alone in a room, late at
night




If you think you are too small to make a difference,
try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.
~African Proverb

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Computer Blessing

Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
>From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,

Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
>From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
~1988 Zhahai Stewart



My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time


Milking a cow


JOB APPLICANT SPEAK

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of
cigarette and coffee breaks. 

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG
COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: 
I talk too much and like to tell other people what
to do. 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE
ORGANIZATION: 
I've used Microsoft Office. 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes. 

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:
I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the
lunch room. 

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
badly. 

I'M PERSONABLE: 
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: 
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer. 

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot. 

I AM ON THE GO: 
I'm never at my desk. 

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: 
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. 

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: 
I'm a college drop-out. 

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: 
I've been accused of sexual harassment. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: 
Wait! Don't throw me away! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: 
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid
form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing
me luck in my future career. 



One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked,
"Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but
thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So,
Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in
the beginning of life, how life developed and finally
how a child was born.

As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and
wider. When Dad was finished, little Johnny said, "Wow,
that's really neat. That sure beats the hell out of
what Billy told me. He said that he came from
Philadelphia." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Designated Drunk

One night, a police officer was stalking out a
particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the
front seat fumbling around with his keys for several
minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he
started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the
breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.


The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated
decoy."





CAFFEINE ADDICT'S QUIZ

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness
Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple
quiz. These questions will help us to determine
whether or not you suffer from this terrible
affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine.
ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans,
hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every
year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that
you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If
you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to
Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of
Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your
Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes
and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end.

Remember:
Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter?
Either way, read on. 

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems? 

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's
easier? 

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own
coffee? 

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee
than go to sleep? 

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot? 

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee
and/or coffee related products? 

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein? 

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"? 

9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate
blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally
ignorant, a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups
attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup
leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples
call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the
Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's
possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike
terror into your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room
of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you
free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're
"drinking their profits"?

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear
dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?


DON'T BLOW IT!

A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break
into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been
turned down by every single record company in the
country, and no one seems to recognize his unique
genius other than his Mom. So he decides to top
himself and dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at
all the institutions who've rejected him all his life.

He goes into a recording studio and tells the engineer
to record exactly what he says, then copy it onto 1000 
CDs and send them out to all the record execs in the
country. He goes into the vocal booth, the red light
goes on, and he begins:

"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless
bastards who've ignored me all these years. I 
dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive,
soul-touching music, and all you wankers do is bin my
tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls.
Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow
industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it.
Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"

With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains
all over the studio wall.

The sound engineer glances up and says:

"Okay, that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"




Why don't elephants wear tampons?
You wouldn't wear one either if you had to put it in
with your nose! 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



"If you use the system in a dirty environment, open it
periodically and vacuum the boards and components with
a small vacuum designed for this kind of work. 

Don't loosen anything in the process -- sucking all the
chips off the system board with an industrial strength
wet/dry vacuum is not covered by your warranty."

- Gateway 2000 User Manual



The Car Buyer (Pun) 

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street,
coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries
was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan
Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive
herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather,
time and aching muscles. 

She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so
happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind
of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't
remember the name exactly, but it has something to do
with hate or anger." 

The owner replies, "Well, let's see. Oh yes, you want a

Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color
do you prefer?" 

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to
him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an
ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want
this color sonny." 

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't
have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue
one?"

"No son, I want this color." 

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry
red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously
worried about losing a sale. 

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts
throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out
of the office and into the lot. 

One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the
back door, notices the disruption and asks the
secretary what the old woman was so upset about. 

The secretary replies, "Apparently, . . . Hale hath no
Fury like the woman's corn!"


Women Seeking Men

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on
the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can
use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands
too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane,
hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating,
cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck
is all yours. BITE ME.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed;
unhealthy; smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10";
over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats,
channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or
have body parts pierced. Others feel free.


Men Seeking Women

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks
sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up
unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic,
tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out.
Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of
humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with
round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with
monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile,
knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM,
33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.



Jim and John were out playing golf one day, but Jim was
being very quiet.

"What's wrong?" asked John. "You've barely said two
words all day."

"Well." said Jim "My wife's been working so much
overtime lately that she's cut our sex down to only
once or twice a week."

"That isn't so bad." replied John "She's cut me off
completely."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



In New York City everybody has "Run, Hillary, Run"
bumper stickers stuck on their cars.

Democrats put them on the rear bumper, Republicans on
the front.



Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. 
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents
invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see
their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son 
would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So,
Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny

before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...
that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you
to be on your best behavior and not say one word about
his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get
back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little
Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the
crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its
mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and
perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty
little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes, his doctor said he has
20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing,
cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"


Home for Lunch...

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a
painting entitled, "Home for Lunch". The painting was
of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a
park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both
ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the
middle had a very pink penis.

The two women were standing there, staring at the
picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure
this out. The artist walked by and noticed the
women's confusion.

"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about
the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the
man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've
misunderstood the painting. The three men are not
Africans-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow
in the middle went "Home for Lunch.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The scene is a monastery with approx. 50 young male
students learning to be a monk. One of the rules is
that there is to be no talking. All conversations have
to be chanted. 

The days always start at five AM with prayers led by an
abbot who always chants "Good morning", to which the
students reply in chant "Good morning". Until one day
the wise-guy in the group decides to be different. When
the abbot chants "Good morning", all do likewise except
this fellow who chants "Good evening". 

All is quiet as the abbot looks out among his students
and chants ,"Somone chanted evening".

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.

And of course

10.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his
life science classroom staring at a question on the
final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four
advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed,
and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

Ummm... So far so good ... maybe.........But the exam
demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? 
Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then
sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed
his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive
answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.


What pet lovers will endure for their pets goes without
reason... the following resulted from an email
exchange between me and a friend who was having a 
not-so-pleasant day after coming home for lunch and
having to deal with one of those "gag-able" messes that
only your pets can create.

I tried a lame attempt at trying to cheer him up by
relating a "could have been worse" story about 8
kittens who had just been wormed, and were having their
first experience with diarrhea. Only I was pressed for
time and gave a 3 line synopsis. So here it is, in
it's entirety...

Apparently they thought this was pretty cool stuff,
squirting out their poop shoots and discovered that it 
would go farther if they ran and squirted at the same 
time. Well... the running (no pun intended) turned into
sliding and rolling in it. This is all occurring at 4
o'clock in the morning, naturally.

"Oh, man, we gotta get mom & dad to play, too! This is
just too cool to miss out on!"

Yep, you guessed it. With ears back and that crazed,
kind of cross-eyed look, that you cat owners will
recognize, these 8 little shit-covered darlings came
racing into the bedroom, bounded up on the waterbed and
proceeded to continue to tear around the bed, bouncing,
running and rolling, all over the covers and us. 

When you're jolted from a sound sleep by something like
that, in the dark, first you feel wet fur. WTF? Then
the smell hits you. Then you start batting them away,
with them thinking that you've decided to wake up and
join in the fun. YIPPEEE! Keep in mind that this is 
all taking place on a king size waterbed with 8 kittens
racing back and forth, up and around, over and under,
while we're groping in the dark trying to catch the
slimy little bastards. So we're all merrily bouncing
up and down in the middle of the waterbed, covered in
cat shit and let me tell you, scud missiles come to
mind when one of us would finally get a firm grip on
one. So now add shit on the walls, too.

"Cat Bathing as a Martial Art" doesn't even come close
to what we endured for the next few hours.

Oh well, shit happens :p

~BGH



Grafitti on a condom dispensing machine:

"Don't buy this gum... It tastes like rubber!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Save the Cat!

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the
street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is
standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in
her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "throw me the cat."


"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the
woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat good-bye, and
tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling
down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and
Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six
feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire
breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts
the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and
forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.


TEXAS AGGIE

One day an Aggie is driving his convertible Cadillac
down the interstate between Dallas and Fort Worth. The
pig truck in front of him hits a bump and a pig falls
out of the truck. Being the good Samaritan that he is,
the Aggie decides to pick up the pig and return it to
the truck driver. He picks up the pig, puts it in the
seat next to him, and tears out after the truck. He 
zooms by a Texas State Trooper, who takes out after him
with his lights flashing and siren wailing.

After pulling the Aggie over, the trooper goes up to
the car and says, "Lookie here, son, what you doing
speeding on my highway?" The Aggie explains about the
pig and trying to catch up to the truck. The patrolman 
says, "Look, son, I don't want you speeding on my
highway. Why don't you just take that pig to the zoo?"
The Aggie agrees, and drives off, and the patrolman
goes about his patrol.

About 3 hours later, the patrolman sees the same
convertible Cadillac going in the other direction at a
high rate of speed. He tears out after the car and
pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees the same
Aggie driving it, and the pig still in the seat next to
him. 

"Son, I thought I told you to take that pig to the
zoo", exclaimed the patrolman. He replied, "I did, 
officer, and we had so much fun I'm taking him to Six
Flags."


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest.
They were looking for people to submit quotes from
their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the
finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to
access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in
Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or
data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things
that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the
schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem
in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now,
go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the
disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it.
The disk I gave her was write-protected. 
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people
doing what I say." 
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled
for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so
that I would have to miss work on the busiest day
of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for
me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. We know that communication is a problem, but the
company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management
saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be
issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report
to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked
him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training
programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of
the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach"
used by one of the training manuals. The day after I
routed the memo to the executive committee, I was
called into the HR Director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building
by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she
wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company.
Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable,
and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and
made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he
told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two
days later, a memo to the entire staff came out

directing us that no words which could not be found in
the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company
memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with
company policy, I created my resignation memo by
pasting words together from the Sunday paper. 
(Taco Bell Corporation)


The secretary came in late for work the third day in a
row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now
look Millie, I know we had a wild fling for a while,
but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like
any other employee. Who told you you could come and go 
as you please around here?"

Millie simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while
exhaling said, "My lawyer."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the
young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious
step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made
appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide
plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean,
are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer
and a case of whiskey."



Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a
movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled
because he gets to take two long solos. 

After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to
see the finished product. He asks the producer where
and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed,
the producer explains that the music is for a porno
flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry
where he can go to see it. 

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing
glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is
playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to
an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and
hiding out. 

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse
porno flick ever... group sex, S&M, golden showers...
and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. 

Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex
with all the women in every orifice, and most of the
men. 

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and
whispers, "I'm only here for the music." 

The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're here to
see our dog." 


TOKYO -- In the chic pubs of the Aoyama district,
the latest fad inspired by beer makers struggling
through a sluggish economy is the flammable suds of the
new Hydrogen Beer. The latest craze among the
environmentally conscious crowd of twentysomethings,
the "Suiso" beer made by the Asaka Beer Corporation has
been extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars and
discotheques.

Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air.
Because hydrogen molecules are lighter than air, sound
waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose
lungs are filled with the nontoxic gas can speak with
an uncharacteristically high voice.

Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic urbanites can
now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines
after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.

The drink comes in a transparent hexagonal bottle
imported from the maker of the new American drink
"Zima," according to Hideki Saito, marketing director
of Asaka Beer Corp. While the bottles are imported from
Tennessee, the labels are made with a 100%
biodegradable polymer. The bottle caps are equipped
with a safety valve to prevent excess build-up of
pressure in high temperatures.

The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become
another selling point, even though Asaka has not
acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing
ploy. It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames
from one's mouth using a cigarette as an ignition
source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers
shooting blue flames in slow motion, while flame
contests took place in pubs everywhere in Tokyo on New
Year's eve.

So far, Asaka beer has insisted that the quantities of
hydrogen used in the drinks is too low to create
potential for bodily harm. In the factory, the carbon
dioxide that is dissolved in the beer is partially
extracted and replaced with hydrogen gas. Mr. Saito
maintained that the remaining carbon dioxide mixed with
hydrogen prevents the rate of combustion from
increasing dramatically. Carbon dioxide is a
nonflammable gas that is naturally contained in the
exhaled breath of humans.

However, the company has hesitated from marketing the
product in the US due to legal complications.

Each bottle of Suiso beer sells for approximately 1,200
yen, or eleven US dollars. The bottles are packed in
special crates lined with concrete to prevent chain
explosions in the event of a fire.



Returning home from work, Sandy B. was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9
unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on
a leash, Sandy ran out on the porch, shuddered at the
sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? 
They send me a BLIND policeman!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One
guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" 

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the
missus and I have sex, she loses interest halfway
through. It's very frustrating. " 

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used
to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a
starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run
out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It
gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and
couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!" 

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that." 

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first
guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?" 

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter
pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As
usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired
the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." 

The first guy says, "So??? What happened?" 

The other guy says, "So... she bit my cock, shit on my
face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his
hands up!" 




This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One
night he was awakened by strange noises coming from
below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old
daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating
with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back
to bed. 

The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked
for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't
have any left. The customer was really annoyed, she
pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No
liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right
over there?" 

The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my
son-in-law." 


HOW TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETERS

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just
filed for bankruptcy and could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say,
"Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad
you asked, because no one seems to care these days and
I have all these problems. My sciatica is acting up,
my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they
try to get back to the sell, just continue your
problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company,
ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell
the company name, then ask them where it located. 
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and
surprise, "Joe!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Joe,
how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Joe a
few brief moments of terror as he tries to figure out
where he could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound
of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're
trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their
Friends and Family plan, reply, in as sinister a voice
as you can muster, "I don't have any friends... would
you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you
can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing
minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an
occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." 
They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone that's a
complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work
for. Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."

You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where
are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's
business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy
against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream,
"Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will
give you their phone number you will call them back. 
If they say they are not allowed to give out their
number, then ask them for their home number and tell
them you will call them at home. (This is usually the
most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers.)



After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation
on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized
a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from
his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said:
"Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you

doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell
mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise
for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at
work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes
professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing
work.



Redneck Jokes 

What's the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? 
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak
in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go
ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his
pickup truck.

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the
Rich and Famous."

Research had been going on for many years as to the
invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the
purpose of the device, but wanted to know and
acknowledge the originating location. After a very long
and exasperating study the researchers came to their
conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was
decided that the brush was invented in West Virginia.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were
asked by the media how they came to the conclusion.
They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was
invented anywhere else, it would have been called a
teethbrush."


90'S DEFINITIONS

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the
boss rather than working hard.

BEEPILEPSY: The brief seizure people sometimes have
when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator
mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial
expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically
proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask
Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

CHIPS AND SALSA: Chips = hardware, salsa = software.
"Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in
your chips or your salsa."

DANCING BALONEY: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X
that are useless and serve simply to impress clients.
"This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing
baloney will help."

DEPOTPHOBIA: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot
because of how much money one might spend. Electronics
geeks experience SHACKOPHOBIA.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are
suspected of planning to leave a company or department
soon.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so
lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were
in."

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that
are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. 

MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE: Grim air-traffic-controller
speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger
exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."

PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists
Between Chair and Keyboard." Techies are a frustrated,
often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms
and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call
them up with frighteningly stupid questions. 

Another variation on the above is 
ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the
crap out of an electronic device to get it to work
again.

SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND: Another word for a computer.
The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer
widow."

TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY: A salary (or project budget)
that has seven digits.

UMFRIEND: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This
is uh.. Dale, my...um...friend..."

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the
voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer
firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled
vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the
operator for assistance." See also DECRUITMENT.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required
to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain
commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control
key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On
key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out
of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the
bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all
anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."



Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about

her husband's smoking. She told me that she had
finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at
home to only those times when they had finished making
love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie
they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey".

After about a week, I asked her how it was going...

"Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a
pillow she had on her chair and limping towards the
water cooler. "I've gotten him down to about a
pack a night now."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and
demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in
the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. 
Would you mind telling me why you don`t like 502?"
asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it`s on fire."



Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner
was an Oriental fellow dressed in the robes of one of
the Far Eastern countries. 

The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned
over and said: "You like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was
our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a
beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations'
definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by
underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was
flawless in Oxford English. 

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat
down, and turned to his dinner partner and said,
"You like speechee?"


A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. 
Realising he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting,
he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a
barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk
told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special
machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the
appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his
head in the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled
out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which
reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read,
"Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted
his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -
cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing
nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants
and stuck his penis into the opening - with great
anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2
weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands,
the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a
button sewed on the tip.



I gave my cat a bath the other day... they love it. He sat
there, he enjoyed it. 
It was fun for me also. The fur would stick to my tongue,
but other than that...
~ Steve Martin

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.

As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

~Amen



Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days
together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning,
the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on
each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike
north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and
spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and
hikes south. The first man hikes north. 

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. 

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream
up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal
clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer
come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled
with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was
your day?" 

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set
of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a
beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes
off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in
every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so
tired I could barely move, I came back to camp." 

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better
than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" 

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't
find her head." 


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in
half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really
worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and
hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair
style... it makes your nose look too long."



Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher. 

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of 
language. Where did you hear it?" 

"My daddy said it." he responded. 

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher, 
"you don't know even what it means." 

"I do, too!" Little Johhny corrected. "It means the car 
won't start."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Birth Control Backfires

In 1983, China set out to teach birth control to its rural
population. Doctors appeared on television and demonstrated
the use of condoms and birth control pills.

A mere year later, birth rates INCREASED and the program
was declared a "complete fiasco."

After a survey was taken, the cause of the program's
failure became apparent. 79% of MEN were taking birth
control pills, and 98% of men were putting condoms on their
fingers--just like they saw in the TV demonstrations.



THE CREATION STORY ~ AS TOLD BY THE CAT

On the first day of creation, God created the cat. 

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat. 

On the third, God created all the animals of the earth 
to serve as potential food for the cat. 

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man 
could labor for the good of the cat. 

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that 
the cat might or might not play with it. 

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to 
keep the cat healthy and the man broke. 

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to 
scoop the litterbox. 


HAPPY FODDER'S DAY
By Tony Kornheiser, Washington Post, June 6, 1999

Father's Day is coming up, and if you're thinking about
getting me a present, here's what I want:

An authentic NASCAR race car, complete with an
800-horsepower engine and a fiery multicolor paint job that
looks like it comes from the Earl Scheib outlet in Hell. 
Imagine the trauma I'll cause the Volvos on my block when I
rev up that bad boy. ("Side air bag this, you Swedish
meatballs!")

Can you see me in a flame retardant racing suit? I'd look
like a Teletubby!

This isn't some sick midlife male fantasy I cooked up. It's
a sick commercial reality: an actual Winston Cup racer. I
saw it in the Neiman Marcus catalogue.

It's mine for a mere $125,000.

It comes with everything you need to go totally NASCAR: 
shocks, struts, four teeth and an assortment of chewing
tobacco.

The catch is: You can't drive it. It's not street legal. 
Essentially, you're plunking down 125 G's for a lawn
ornament. Hey, big spender, for one-tenth of that, Home
Depot will send a limo for you.

The catalogue advises that the race car is fully loaded "to
sound great and look great just sitting in the driveway."

Bummer! I don't have a driveway.

You leaf through a catalogue like this and the first thing
you think is: Man, some guys are making way too much money.
One gift I liked that was much more reasonably priced: a
$70 golf game where you float a plastic green in your pool
and chip wiffle balls onto it. The $70 is no problem. It's
the $35,000 for the pool that might hurt.

A pool is the last thing I'd want. (Although I admit it
might be fun to invite a bunch of people over for a pool
party, and after a few margaritas, start rocketing real golf
balls in there. "Hey, fatso, fore!") First of all you get
an endless parade of neighbors and relatives coming over. 
You hate these people now -- imagine how much you'll hate
them by August. And God forbid the "water chemistry" gets
out of whack. You could be looking at another Love Canal.

Anyway, I've already gotten my present.

For Father's Day I got to play golf. On Mother's Day.

Pretty cool, huh? It's like a "double word score." I don't
have to worry about pretending to be sensitive on Mother's
Day, and my children don't have to worry about what to get
me on Father's Day. They can get me the same thing they got
their mother on Mother's Day: nothing.

My kids are nonobservant. They have no idea there is such a
thing as a Father's Day and a Mother's Day. Where exactly
on MTV would they acquire that information? From a Marilyn
Manson video? Oh, like those mutants have parents.

Even if my kids had heard of Father's Day, I don't think
they would necessarily connect it to me. The older they
get, the less they think of me as a father. They think of
me as an ATM with nose hair.

Get this: The other day my daughter asked me for a credit
card. She said she was tired of asking me for money.

The truth is the best presents I can get from my family are: 
peace, quiet and my own bathroom. And if anybody's going to
bring me breakfast in bed, please God let it be Wendy
Rieger.

There is something for Father's Day that intrigues me,
though. (Besides Wendy.)

This week I heard a radio ad for an orchestra concert at

Wolf Trap (motto: "Our Audience Is So Old That When They're
Asleep Their Children Think They're Dead") that promised a
rendition of "the '1812' Overture the way it was meant to be
heard -- with cannon fire at the end!"

That's the gift I want: I'd like to fire the cannon. (My
concern, though, is that it might take out the first two
rows -- that'd end Pledge Week forever.)

Shooting a cannon would be so cool. It satisfies man's
three primal needs: Loud noise. Shooting Flame. Stuff
that goes splat.

Excuse me, Tony, what about sex?

Ha! At my age, I can live without sex -- but not without my
glasses. Given a choice between sex and shooting that
cannon, are you kidding me? At least I have reason to
suspect the cannon would work.

In fact, I suffer from cannon envy. America's Best Loved
Feature Writer, Mr. Henry, fires off a cannon to the "1812"
Overture every New Year's Eve at midnight at his home in
Takoma Park. The tradition began 22 years ago when a
neighbor fired off a cannon, and Mr. Henry -- a Vietnam vet
-- hit the deck.

"I thought we were being mortared and the next shot was
coming down the chimney," Mr. Henry recalled.

The explosion was so powerful, it broke windows and knocked
knickknacks off shelves.

"A very high tchotchke casualty rate," Mr. Henry said.

Naturally, Mr. Henry wanted a piece of the action. He
bought his own cannon. To test-fire it, Mr. Henry drove out
to a friend's farm in Virginia -- where he discovered, to
his delight, "When you've got a cannon in a pickup truck,
you can drive any part of I-66 you want."

Now firing the cannon annually is one of Mr. Henry's great
delights.

"When folks hear it for the first time, they think a train
has derailed," he says proudly.

I wonder if Neiman Marcus has a catalogue with that.

Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company



"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. It
don't make no difference to me. I'll just make another one
like you."
~ Bill Cosby on what his father used to tell him.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


My dad and I had a great relationship. 
He used to play games with me. 

He'd pick me up and toss me in the air...
then walk away.


MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS:

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes
on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.



THE FBI ORDERS PIZZA

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in 
San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance
fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical
records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a 
nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick
dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone
conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because
they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans
of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through
the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go
around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI
agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're
starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you
remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service
entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*


When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger
in the bedroom, and a jackass who'll pay for it all.

Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Here ya go, ladies *eg*

HEAD POETRY

Penis breath, A lover's dread,
It's what you get when you give head,

unpleasant as it tends to be,
be grateful that he doesn't pee,

it's times like this that you wonder why,
you bothered reaching for his fly,

but It's to late can't be a tease,
accept the facts, get on your knees,

you know you've got a job to do,
so open wide and shove it through,


lick the tip, than take it all,
don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,

slide up and down, use your tongue,
and feel the pre-cum start to run,

your jaw aches and your neck is numb,
so when the fuck is he gonna cum?

just when you can't take anymore,
you hear your lover's mighty roar,

and when he hits that real high note,
you feel it oozing down your throat,

salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
ok already, that's enough,

let's switch, you say (before you gag),
and what revenge, you're on the RAG.



I remember when...

A computer was something on TV,
from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean.
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was your middle finger upright.
Now they all mean different things.
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 ?' floppy,
you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public.
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper.
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash.
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

~Author Unknown


Parenting Test

How To Know Whether or Not You Are
Ready to Have Children...

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and
curtains. Place a fish stick behind the
couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos
are not available, you may substitute roofing
tacks) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to
walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are
best) and take them with you as you shop
at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or
damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that
all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as
Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of
the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it
thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to
waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make
up about a dozen more and sing these too
until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it
to the front of your clothes. Leave it there
for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your
wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help
himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for
your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small
child. Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run riot.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last

time you will have all the answers.




After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they
vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might
try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you
go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon
as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two
conditions. First if it hurts, you'll stop right away, and
second," she insisted. "You must promise we won't go past my
mother's."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex 
life at all. ~Rodney Dangerfield 



THE TOP 11 JERRY HALL DIVORCE DEMANDS FOR MICK JAGGER

11. $90,000/month in child support; $150,000/month for the
child's diction lessons.

10. Restraining order keeping Keith 50 yards away from her
bathroom medicine cabinet at all times.

9. Cash value from his Lloyd's of London Lip Insurance
policy.

8. Custody of Bill Wyman's wife and the rest of the kids.

7. Satisfaction, Baby!

6. Has to admit publicly that Steven Tyler's lips are fatter
than his.

5. Jerry keeps: sports cars and palatial estate
Mick keeps: walker, clapper and Matlock videos

4. Financial support for her destitute brother, Arsenio.

3. Jerry keeps the kids; Mick keeps Kato.

2. You can't always get what you want. But if you try
sometimes, you might find, you get half his stuff.

1. Keith must be removed from the wine cellar and given a
proper burial.


Reasons to Keep an Open Mind to New Ideas

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their
home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to
earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his
face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role
in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy
cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way
out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a
fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle
development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and
find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high
plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University,
1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

-- Bill Gates, 1981





SPELLING BEE CONFUSING

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it
true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the
doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was
told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This
prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."



Your turn guys...

PREPARING WOMEN FOR THE MILLENIUM

Training Courses now available for Women:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: 
Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till
After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom
Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not
the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
14. Water retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other
People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only
Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only


There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert
for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a
missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. 
Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions
to the nearest town. On the way out the backdoor, he sees
this horse.

He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could
I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure, but there is a special thing
about this horse. You have to say "Thank God" to make it
go, and "Amen" to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse
starts walking. The he says, "Thank God, Thank God," and
the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave the man
says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, Thank God" and the
horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing
everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, Stop, Hold
On!"

Finally he remembers, "AMEN!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, 
"Whew, Thank God".




After a particularly serious operation, the surgeon was
talking to the patient, who was still recovering from the
effects of the anesthesia. The doctor was looking very glum
and said to the patient, "I can't be sure what's wrong with
you. I think it may be the drinking."

The patient replied, "Well, then can we get an opinion from
a doctor who hasn't been drinking?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Below is an actual memo that was sent to all employees in my
company... 

Attention LAN users: The LAN will be down between 3PM and
10PM due to unplanned scheduled maintenance to prevent an
interruption in service.

Enjoy the rest of this day.




You guys didn't really think I was gonna let ya off that
easy, didja? 

PREPARING MEN FOR THE MILLENIUM

Training Courses Now Available For Men:

1) Introduction To Common Household Objects I - The Mop
2) Introduction To Common Household Objects II - The Sponge
3) Dressing Up - Beyond The Funeral And The Wedding
4) Refrigerator Forensics - Identifying And Removing The
Dead
5) Design Pattern Or Splatter Stain On The Linoleum - You

CAN Tell the Difference
6) Accepting Loss I - If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7) Accepting Loss II - If The Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago,
Keeping It In The Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8) Going To The Supermarket - It's Not Just For Women
Anymore
9) Recycling Skills I - Boxes That The Electronics Came In
10) Recycling Skills II - Styrofoam That Came In The Boxes
That The Electronics Came In
11) Bathroom Etiquette I - How To Remove Beard/Mustache
Clippings From The Sink
12) Bathroom Etiquette II - Let's Wash Those Towels!
13) Bathroom Etiquette III - Five Easy Ways To Tell When
You're About To Run Out Of Toilet Paper
14) Giving Back To The Community - How To Donate 15 Year
Old Elvis To The Goodwill
15) Retro Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester
Shirts
16) No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves - Knowing The
Limitations Of Your Kitchenware
17) Romance - More Than A Cable Channel
18) Strange But True - She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth
Down And Ten" Means
19) Going Out To Dinner - Beyond The Pizza Hut
20) Expand Your Entertainment Options - Renting Movies That
Don't Fall Under The "Action/Adventure" Category
21) Yours, Mine, and Ours - Sharing The Remote
22) "I Could Have Played A Better Game Than That!" 
- Why Women Laugh
23) Adventures In Housekeeping I - Let's Clean The Closet
24) Adventures in Housekeeping II - Let's Clean Under The
Bed
25) "I Don't Know" - Be The First Man To Say It
26) The Gas Gauge In Your Car - Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27) Directions - It's Okay To Ask For Them
28) Listening - It's Not Just Something You Do During
Halftime
29) Accepting Your Limitations - Just Because You Have Power
Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It


The Puzzle 

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've 
got a problem," says Buffy. 

"What's the matter?" asks John. 

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. 
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." 

"What's the picture of?" asks John. 

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy. 

"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." 

So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her 
kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John 
looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For 
Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in the box." 




A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. 
As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid
called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her
that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a
large portion of the salmon's mid-section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some
canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were
enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the
kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the
cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and
suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital
and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put
the cat.

"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to
take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of
old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He
panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in
the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private
parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: "You know,
I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really know
what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you're holding has a bottom."




A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down
to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a
peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I
WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The

biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor
home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the
table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home,
I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to
the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."


The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world
making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this
time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous
culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in
Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him
about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he
thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and
says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance
if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is
that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important
than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go
see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon,
to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the
Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from
recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin.
After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to
left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge
dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you got to
leave car, coz much too rough for driving. You strike out
due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit
creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you
find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too
difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head
south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass
very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get
through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days
'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's
head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find
village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads
out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The
track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along
at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk
and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His
spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of
capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never
heard mention of before. True to the directions he has
been given, he reaches the creek after three days and
follows it for another two until they reach the rocky
mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by
this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily
he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills -
nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their
guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their
bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of
back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and
continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water
is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but

they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their
journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the
village where the natives feed them and give them fresh
water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's
recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and
tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night.
You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an
extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year.
If hold more, Gods get very angry and destroy village! You
want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to
head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and,
determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier
than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the
village before the dance is performed in order to ensure
he is present to witness it. However, right from the start
things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt
track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles,
finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog
through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the
tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further
hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they
are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days,
during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to
attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such
savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out
from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly
which slows down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village
enormously. Eventually, having lost all
sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger 
into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me
I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher
Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the
afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture
the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk falls, the natives
start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn 
themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal
skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the
natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly
hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a
wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering
his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some
sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he
whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see
most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he
asks that the spirits of the dreamworld watch as we
demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if
they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch
over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo
before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere
the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and
the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is
becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself.
This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait
has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate
performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by
mankind. The chief strides to his position in the circle
and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing: 

"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out.
You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about ..."



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."

Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business
and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping
docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing
nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much
do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."The owner pulls out his
wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never
come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss,
"Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around
here?"



PROGRAMMING POSTULATES

If the test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent
runs will fail.

The most harmful error of any program will not be discovered
until the program has been in production for at least six
months.

A Batch Stream that can not be arranged in improper order
will be.

Constants aren't.

Variables won't.

Interchangeable Tapes don't.

Profanity is the one language that all programmers know the
syntax of.


MORE TOTALLY USELESS FACTS

*You'll sleep better tonight knowing these things :p


The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but
actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth,
which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aaron; in honor
of his brother.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left
hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

If you keep a Goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually
turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.

The continents names all end with the same letter with which 
they start.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the 
letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.

A snail can sleep for 3 years.




One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner
came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the
nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in
the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the
second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the
whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the
stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled,
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in
the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You
found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed
her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked
the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like
to open those beers first."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"



CHAT ROOM LIES - HOW MANY OF THESE HAVE *YOU* HEARD?

* I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend.

* You're different... I've never felt like this about
someone I've never met before.

* I'm new online and haven't had time to create a
profile... but tell me more about yourself.

* I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you,
well, I'm getting excited.

* Yes of course I'm female...

* No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have
more then one?

* I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my
body! 

* Male version is... 'I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from
working out.

* I'm not like most of the guys/gals here, I want to meet so
we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the
hotel coffee shop)

* I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside
that counts (Which is true, it means: 'I'm horny and could
care less, just type.')

* Tonight my love... our souls have touched.


SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS)
announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's "watch list" of companies that
regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way
so that companies like these can market new products," said
Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of
testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or
days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the
software by any means necessary, and inside sources report
that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the
day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and
"crashed" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on
dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously
deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions
and is infested with bugs.

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said,
citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company
that has become successful without resorting to software
testing.



On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with 5 aliens
crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch outside of Roswell, an
incident they say was covered up by the government.

On March 31, 1948, 9 months to that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of questions.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable
factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this,
a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is
it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because
you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because
our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and
don't pout when I yell at them."



FARTS

A Courteous Person -
One who says "Excuse me" before farting and "sorry" after
that.

A Dishonest Person -
One who farts and then blames one's dog.

A Foolish Person -
One who suppresses a fart for hours.

A Knowledgeable Person -
One who knows when to fart.

A Miserable Person -
One who truly enjoys to fart but cannot.

A Mysterious Person -
One who exudes undetectable farts.

A Nervous Person -
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

A Proud Person -
One who thinks that his farts are extremely pleasant.

A Sadistic Person -
One who farts in bed and fluffs the covers over his bed
mate.

A Scientific Person -
One who farts regularly but is concerned with pollution.

A Shy Person -
One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

A Strategic Person -
One who conceals one's farts by loud laughter.

A Stupid Person -
One who farts and then takes in a deep breath to balance up.

A Thrifty Person -
One who has farts in reserve..

A Vain Person -
One who loves the smell of one's own fart.

An Amiable Person -
One who loves the smell of other people's fart.

An Anti-Social Person -
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

An Aquatic Person -
One who farts in the bath then bursts the bubbles.

An Athletic Person -
One who farts at the slightest exertion.

An Honest Person -
One who admits he has farted but offers a good medical
reason.

An Intelligent Person -
One who can determine the smell of his neighbours' farts.

An Unfortunate Person -
One who tries to fart but shits instead.


How To Spot Aliens At Work

This article has been attributed to a number of different
sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real
author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of
alien retaliation. 

Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look
human but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain
tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for: 

Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully
understand the different styles, so they wear combinations
that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped
shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted
Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author. 

Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might
eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts
of pills, the experts say. 

Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training
film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 

Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra
time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton,
a theoretical biologist and futurist. 

Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are
constantly gathering information," said Steiger. 

Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 

Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space
aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask
questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a
co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth
of July," noted Steiger. 

Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't
discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night
or on weekends," said Steiger. 

Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to
speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger
noted. 

Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near
certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood
change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 

The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to
display most if not all of these traits before you can
positively identify him as a space alien. 



"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior." 
~Hippolyte Taine

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa
application.

The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the
tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space
labeled 'SEX'. 

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean
by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." 

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers. 



Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. 
Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a
quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He
finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the 
quarter. 

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the
quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes
his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his
modest winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture
circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his
audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his
benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his
fortune with him. 

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and
says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the
quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"


A saucer descends upon a shack in a remote southern town. 
They immediately proceed to corral the already stupefied
family and begin to herd them on to an awaiting ship. The
dad, seated in the back can be seen furiously spraying
himself with a can labeled "Alien Abduction Protection
Spray".

Amused, the two Greys move back toward the man and observe
his frantic exercise. After he completely empties the can
onto himself, the Greys grab each of his arms and start to
escort him to the door.

He starts yelling out "Hey, you can't abduct me, I'm
protected by that there "Abduction repellant"! The two
Greys look at each other and one of them says. "The only
thing in that can is deodorant" and continue to drag him
out the door.

"Ha!" says the man "Ma friend Delmer said that he sprays
this on himself every night and he's never been abducted his
whole life."

"Well your friend Delmer forgot to tell you to spray BEFORE
we find you. You didn't think we used our EYES to find
rednecks in the middle of the woods at 3am, did you?



A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an
anal deodorant.

The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man
insists that he bought his last one from this store. The
assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that
store has never stocked such an item.

The man explains he bought his last one from this store only
weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist
asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to
match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows
the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the
customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is
obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state,
"Push up bottom to use."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is
barely enough.
~Mark Twain



The Ghost (Pun) 

In New England, where psychic phenomena blossom to a greater
degreem than most other parts of the world, there lived in
an abandoned factory boiler room, a most unpleasant spook.
Its haunting was of such calibre it drew the attention of
skilled researchers.

One, a young courageous lad, elected to spend a night in the
factory to watch how the apparition operated. He spread some
sacks on a pile of coke in the corner and settled down for
his dark vigil. 

When midnight rang from the church tower, sure enough,
something unpleasant began to materialize. He had been told
that ghosts didn't like cold iron so he threw a piece of a
pipe at the Thing. It bowed in his direction mockingly but
refused to disappear.

Reaching under the sacks, the young man found a large piece
of coke and hurled it at the Thing. It faded away instantly
and it hasn't been seen since.

When you think of it, it should not be surprising for as
everyone knows, ... Things go better with coke. 
(By Himie Koshevoy)



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



DEFINITIONS BY GENDER 

THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
Female: Any part under a car's hood. 
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male: Playing football without a helmet. 

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. 
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner. 
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the boys. 

BUTT (but) n. 
Female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger." 
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. 

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. 
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend. 

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. 

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. 
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding. 

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve. 
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up
in bed. 

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another. 
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
three minutes. 




"If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village
of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios
remaining the same, it would look something like the
following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white

70 would be non Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and
all 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed
perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding
and education becomes glaringly apparent."

~Author Unknown


Attorney Hunting

A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys

372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo
hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for
recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is
permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is,
however, prohibited.

372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor
vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance
being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally
struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be
removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to
the nearest car wash.

372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys
from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or
"FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of
BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday
afternoons.

372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or
hospitals.

372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not
necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the
same.

372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day:
Yellow-bellied Sidewinders: 2
Two-faced Tort-feasors: 1
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3
Horn-rimmed Cut-throats: 2
Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4
Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.)



4 Stages Of Knowledge

1 Unconscious incompetence;
You don't know that you don't know.
2 Conscious incompetence;
You know that you don't know.
3 Conscious competence;
You know that you know.
4 Unconscious competence;
You do it without thinking.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it
up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a
spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at
or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."



LESS THAN A FULL DECK:

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at
the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs
official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a
handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to
demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial
amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged
gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old
woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced
to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For
payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his
prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When
his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to
qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
"Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the
courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge
rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with
delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not
pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too
far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who
was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge
reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.


Microsoft Press Release - BSOD 

Redmond, Wa. In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft 
President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based
company will allow computer resellers and end-users to
customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death
(abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the
Windows operating system crashes. 

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and 
customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft 
customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing
on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said,
"Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54 percent, it was
the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading
Pornography" by an easy 12 points. 

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for 
ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our
customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of
reporters. 

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new 
customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static 
version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD
Themes", allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of
Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and
multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen,
making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product
information and entertainment to Windows users. 

The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized
feature of the Windows(tm) operating system, and as a
result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control
over its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that
policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows
desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." 
By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random 
selection of Microsoft product information whenever the
system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate
with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on
systems they ship. 

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell
are already lining up for premier placement on the new and
improved BSOD. 

Balmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source 
community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues
to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have
yet to see any evidence that Linux, OpenBSD or even Solaris
even have a BSOD, let alone a customizable one." 



What do poor people have
Rich people need
It's more powerful than god
And more evil than the devil?

Answer: 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy.
Together with several other applicants, he was given a
sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. 

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty
hallway and opened the packet. 

Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report
to the fifth floor." 




One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail,
and he tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his
twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the
bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and
couldn't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be
sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm
blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what
kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind,
and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and
find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well,
you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a
little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; You must
be a BUNNY RABBIT!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way,
what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake
said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied,
"You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got
any balls... you must be a lawyer."


It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina,
having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the
"Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to
arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his
wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. Her
examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named
Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over
time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no
pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he
jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his
friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to
grab Luke.

. . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke
from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

~Author Unknown





*Always obey your superiors... if you have any.

*When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

*Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre but they
are more deadly in the long run.

~Mark Twain

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a
highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3to 12 inches,
depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower
frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a
severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain after
nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been
known to attack men in the lower posterior section,
resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to
appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women.
However, once the venom is injected into the body, only
drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no
known antidote for men.

* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too
deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and
ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few
weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the
victim, but so far has not been reportedly successful.

MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of
the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and
downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly
aggressive, starting to spit.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely
on the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 -
20 minutes.


CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive
and active, is not necessarily a vermin and when treated
with the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.


A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw 
so he sees another man on the 1st floor.He yells down to him, but he 
can't hear him, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning 
"I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and 
forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, 
pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd 
floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the 
f*ck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other
guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd 
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' SOB's. 
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man
even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows
back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and
asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the
Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in
amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind
me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."


It's a sunny day on the Mississippi and a fly is on the surface of the
river. A salmon sees the fly and thinks, "If the fly drops 6 inches, I'll be
able to jump up and eat it and have a nice day."

On the bank of the river is a bear. The bear thinks, "If that fly drops 6
inches, the salmon will jump up and eat the fly, and I'll be able to catch
the salmon, eat it and have a nice day."

In the woods nearby is a hunter. The hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6
inches, the salmon will jump up and eat it, the bear will catch the salmon
and eat it and I'll be able to shoot the bear, prove how good a hunter I am
and have a nice day."

In the grass lies a mouse. The mouse thinks, "If the fly drops 6 inches, the
salmon will jump up and eat it, the bear will catch the salmon and eat it,
the hunter will shoot the bear and I'll be able to get the hunter's
sandwich, eat it, and have a nice day."

Also in the grass is a cat. The cat thinks, "If the fly drops 6 inches, the
salmon will jump up and eat it, the bear will catch the salmon and eat it,
the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the hunter's sandwich and
in all the commotion, I'll be able to eat the mouse and have a nice day."

So, the fly dropped, the salmon jumped up and ate the fly, the bear caught
the salmon and ate it, the hunter shot the bear, the mouse ate the sandwich
and the cat ran to eat the mouse. However, the cat missed the mouse and fell
in the river.

The moral of the story is when a fly drops, there'll always be a wet pussy.


The Masturbata ( sung to the tune of the Macaraena )

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona,
Go and grab a penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona,
Hey Masturbata!!

I go a little faster and its feeling kinda nicea,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea,
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea,
Hey Masturbata!!

I use some baby's oil or a little vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana,
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena,
Hey Masturbata,!!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and my other on my meata,
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the steata,
Hey Masturbata,!!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbata,
Choke the chicken, hum the nob, squeezing the tomata,
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her,
Hey Masturbata,!!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pouring on the flouder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga,
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga,
Hey Masturbata!!




This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the
headline "Advice For Tourists".

By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people....

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was
once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are
fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be
touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers
when you walk down the street.
Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of
the same sex.

Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs,
such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which
they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is
not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there
due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will
understand and forgive you.

Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint
medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife
for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
librarians that you are "in the know" - one of the inner circle, as it were,
for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he
brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of
Henry VI. One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the
colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing
some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The
poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so

it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask
directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced
cottager.

Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the
American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine
restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything
less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head
imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may
offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If
he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or
Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will
show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant h
ost will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then
grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary
to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at
patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the
heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to
the driver, e.g."Please take me to the British Library." A driver will
frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to
your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American
tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). Speaking of the
British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new
location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached
by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the
complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don't forget that buses are called "prams"
in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little confusing at
first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons
unknown, is called the "off-license". It's also very important to know that
a "doctor" only means a Ph.D. in England, not a physician. If you want a
physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").
For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.

Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on
the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb
the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled
into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal
that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people
have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a
minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you
have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say
"Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the
bumbershoot.) One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom").
As savvy travelers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste
all day in line.

You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in
your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.


Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm
afraid he will not be faithful. 

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven
to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by
having a few other women, your partner is really increasing
his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention
this aspect of his behavior. 

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. 

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night
out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how 
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior. 

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me
and my sister. 

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get
enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your
sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the
family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you
are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with
him. 

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep
your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly,
a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with
him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a
man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank
him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal. 

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. 

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family
budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this,
and to sell it on the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt,
buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal. 

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love we have
no time to talk. 

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he
needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard
work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop
putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal. 

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. 

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you
that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the
'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him
a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. 

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. 

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that
you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to
work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this
area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive
present, and cooking a nice meal. 

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. 

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't
mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a
nice expensive present... and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal. 


A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of
them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey
passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them,
she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have
them stuffed. 

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you
want them mounted?" 

Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."


THE HELPFUL DISPATCHER

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for 
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her 
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, 
was how hot the driver was! Drop dead gorgeous, blonde, the works.

I've pulled you over for speeding Ma'am, could I see your drivers 
license?" "What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving 
away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your 
wallet" replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the 
driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration" asked the 
cop. "Registration what's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in 
your glove compartment" said the cop impatiently. After some more 
fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said 
the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's 
license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came 
back; "Umm is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes" replied the 
officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher 
"Uh yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do" said the dispatcher. 
"Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "WHAT!!? I can't do 
that. It's inappropriate" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me, just do it" 
said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and 
registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The 
blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no, not ANOTHER breathalyzer"



A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the 
tattoo artist that she
wants a tattoo of a turkey
>on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him
to put "Happy
>Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out
looking real good. The
>woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up
on her left thigh.
>So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is
getting dressed to leave,
>the tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had
me put such unusual
>tattoos on your thighs?"
>She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that
there's nothing good to
>eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"Somebody call 999!"

We all like to experiment in the cot, but it can be a fine line
between an orgasm and a trip to casualty.

Pipe Cleaner

A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended
up in hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner,
although their explainations are rarely so straight forward.One
60-year-old man was changing the plug of a Hoover when it
mysteriously "switched itself on" and sucked him in. A 65-year-old
signalman bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a
nearby vacuum, while another was merely bending over to turn the
vacuum cleaner off when the accident happened. Bizarrely, all were in
a state of almost total undress when thier accidents happened.

Flower Power

A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and blood
dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he
had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in
without any difficulty, but when he triend to remove it, the hairs on
the stem of the flower had dug into the uretha and ripped it to
shreds.

Fun On The Farm

A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a neighbour,
crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was wearing
stockings and a pair of shoes with eight inch heels, and his ankles
were tied to a one metre length of pipe, which was itself chained to
the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could raise the scoop
and suspend himself upside down. Beside the dead body was a broken
length of four by two, which was meant to act as a safety feature
when the scoop was lowered, by stopping it from hitting the ground.
Unfortunately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped the wood and
continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing
him.

Make Mine A Stiff One

A 34-year-old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his
penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse
with his girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection,
and after three days, he went to his doctors in serach of help.
Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his
body, gangrene set in, and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his
penis.

Dog's Dinner

A policeman in Staffordshire in the UK returned home from his
nightshift to find his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown
reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his penis, at which point
the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic
surgery to restore the damage.

A Lovely Bunch Of Grapes

A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was checked for
haemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was
enjoying it, at which point the patient turned around and noticed the
doctor was masturbating. The doctor was given one year's
probation.

Seizure Ruins Blow Job

A young couple in evening dress hobbled into a Washington
emergency room covered in bloody serviettes. The man's towel was
around his waist, while the woman's was on her head. Sheepishly, they
explained that they had been having a romantic dinner, when, overcome
with passion, the woman crept under the table and began administering
oral sex. She then had an epileptic fit. The seizure caused her to
clamp hard on the man's member, wrenching it violently from side to
side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed his fork and stabbed
the woman in the head until she let go.

Suckered

An Australian tourist woke one morning on his holiday in Thailand
to discover his passport and money had vanished during the night. He
cast his mind back, and the last thing he could remember was sucking
on the nipples of a transvestite prositute. After going to the police
and making a confession, the police were able to track down the
perpetrator, who explained that he had used a tranquiliser on his
nipples, a necassary subterfage as many sex touirsts don't drink.

Tourist's Last Stand

An Englishman hobbled into a casualty ward complaining of a
permanently erect penis. When questioned by doctors, the man said
that he just returned from a holiday in Cuba where he had spent much
of his time frequenting brothels. In one such establishment he had
been sold some erectile cream to keep him hard. He had been warned to
use it sparingly, but, because he was enjoying himself so much, he
kept spreading on more and more. By the time he reached casualty, all
the blood vessels in his member were swollen and his testicles
balloned in size. Doctors could do nothing for him except prescribe
pain killers, explaining to him that his penis would return to
flaccidity within a few days. They also told him to enjoy it while it
lasted, as the damage to blood vessels was such that he would never
have one again.

Crushed Nuts

When a 40-year-old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a
doctor specialising in "men's troubles", he was shown into a cubicle,
where he unwrapped two metres of fouls smelling, stained gauze from
around his scroutum, which had swollen to twice the size of a
grapefruit. On further inspection, it was discovered that his left
testicle was missing completely, and embedded within the swollen,
tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the
patient confessed were one-inch staples from an industrial stapling
gun. It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in his
work shop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing
his penis on the moving fan belt of a piece of machinery. However,
one day the fan belt snatched his scrotum into the fly wheel,
throwing him several feet accross the floor and tearing off his left
nut. Rather than go to the hospital, he performed first aid on
himself with the stapling gun, then went back to work when his
colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he got around to
visiting the hospital.

Come Again?

A Somalian truck driver reported to his doctor wearing incontience
pants, and claiming that over the previous months he had been
experiencing up to 40 involuntary ejactualtions daily. He believed
his condition was brought on by chewing the drug, khat. A week
later, he suffered a total erection failure, and even lengthy
abstinence from the drug failed to restor his sexual ability. His
doctor believed he had used up his life time supply of orgasms.

>From The Heart

Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennesse, firemen found,
in a room plastered with heavy metal posters, the nude body of a
16-year-old boy with a cows heart attached to his genitals. Initial
suspicions of a ritual murder were dismissed, when in a copy of the
underground porn magazine Ovid Now, they discovered instructions for the
construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cow's heart connected to a
battery which makes the heart beat. Unfortunately, the boy had plugged
his stimulator into the mains, electrocuted himself and set the house on
fire.

Fists Of Fury

Fisting - or bracioproctic eroticism, to give it its medical term
- is the practice of inserting an entire hand, or more, into a
partner's anus or vagina.It's one of the more dangerous sexual
frolics, yet depite this - or maybe even because of it - the
perversion has a firm following. However, every fister's worst
occured in July 1995, when a San Francisco man mistook his partner's
cries for agony for her orgasm and ended up tearing her rectum open.
She subsequently died of anal infection, as do 60 percent of those
who suffer such injuries. To help interested parties avoid such
disaster, fisting has its own fanzine Trust: The Handballing
Newsletter, which gives readers tips on how to douche,
lubrication techniques and even lists of the best music to fist-fuck
to.

Needle Destorys Sex Life

A man with lacerations on his penis walked into an ER in Michigan
complaining that his wife had "a rat in her pussy" which bit him
during sex. An examination revealed a surgical needle left inside the
woman during a recent hysterectomy.

Chop Suey

The Chinese sex education program was brought under the microscope
in January this year after a Chinese bride cut off her partner's
penis with a kitchen knife while he peacefully slept on thier wedding
night. Suprisingly, the confused bride didn't "do a bobbit" through
anger: shebelieved that mputating the organ would make it grow back
to twice its previous size.

Cancer Victim Has Wierd Sex

A 64-year-old woman suffering from cancer of the colon kept
returning to the casualty ward of her local hospital with an
infection around her stoma - the hole into which the tube from her
colostomy bag was inserted. Nurses were mystified by the whitish ooze
eminating from the stoma, and clutching at straws, they began
questioning the woman about her private life. When asked if she was
still sexually active, the woman nodded her head and laughed. "Yes",
she answered. "And sometimes we're feeling really energetic, my
husband gets a kick out of removing the bag and using my stoma."

Pool Side Fun

While enjoying an early morning swim, Brazilian Claudiomiro
Marques decided to experiment with the sexual properties of swimming
pool filters. Unfortunately, the structure of the filter, combined
with the degree of suction, meant that his penis became jammed fast.
Doctors were called, who eventually managed to extricate him from his
terrible predicament. Although not before concerned bystanders had
first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demolish
the wall of the pool.

Chicken Tonight

In the provence of Orense in north west Spain, a 39-year-old man
was crushed to death by a rock while pleasing himself with a chicken.
Although no one is sure how it happened, it is thought that the
vibrations caused by his love making possibly dislodged the boulder.
The chicken also perished, and was still attached to the man when his
body was found.

Farmyard Frolics

According to the Kinsey report into the sexuality of the English,
some nine percent of men living in rural communities have at least
one sexual encounter with an animal. A 24-year-old sheep farmer from
Exmouth found himself in court after he was caught repeatedly "making
love" to several of his flock. Bored of the doggy style, the man had
taken to fooling his sheep into thinking it was shearing time,
yanking their legs apart and mounting them missionairy style. The
sheep were so traumatised, they didn't lamb.


>Subject: Health warning: alcohol
>
>Government Health Warning
>
>Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have
>accepted the Medical Associations' suggestion that the following warning
>labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
>you are not.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
>over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
>really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
>happened to your trousers.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse
>logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung
Fu
>powers.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
>and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
>remember )
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
>burns on the forehead.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
>tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
FRANZ.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
>
>WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
>WITH you.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
>continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
>literally disappear.
>
>WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

75 years

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate
>their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and
>says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.
>It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked
>like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75
>years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever
>hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,.. I
>must know, did he have a different father?"
>
>The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
>eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
>
>The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
>was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his
>eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
>
>Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
>as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
>Then, finally, she says "You".


Women's English:


Yes = No


No = Yes


Maybe = No


I'm sorry = You'll be sorry


We need = I want


It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.


Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.


We need to talk = I need to complain.


Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.


I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!


You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.


You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?


Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.


This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.


I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....


Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!


I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.


Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.


How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going 

to like.


I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on 

TV.


Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.


You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.


Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]


Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he 

falls asleep.


I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.


The same old thing = Nothing


Nothing = Everything


Everything = My PMS is acting up.


Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.



Men's English:



"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.


"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.


"I'm tired" = I'm tired.


"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with

you.


"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with

you.


"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.


"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.


"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!


"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.


"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about 

this.


"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma 

are you going through now?


"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.


"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?


"I love you." = Let's have sex now.


"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!


"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.


"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that 

much different!


"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a 

deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.


"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex 

with other guys.


(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress 

and let's go home!


"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am 

gay.



>This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas
>website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The
>company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it
>down immediately. ________________________________
>
>Registration Document
>
>Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
>order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
>fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
>questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
>new products that best meet your needs and desires.
>
>1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
> [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
>
> First Name:....................................
> Initial: ........
> Last Name: ......................................................
> Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name:
> ......................................................
> Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
>
>2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
> [_] F-14 Tomcat
> [_] F-15 Eagle
> [_] F-16 Falcon
> [_] F-117A Stealth
> [_] Classified
>
>3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /.......
>
>4 Serial Number:.................................................
>
>5. Please check where this product was purchased:
> [_] Received as gift / aid package
> [_] Catalogue showroom
> [_] Independent arms broker
> [_] Mail order
> [_] Discount store
> [_] Government surplus
> [_] Classified
>
>6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
> product you have just purchased:
> [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
> [_] Store display
> [_] Espionage
> [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
> [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
> [_] Was attacked by one
>
>7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
> decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
> [_] Style / appearance
> [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
> [_] Price / value
> [_] Comfort / convenience
> [_] Kickback / bribe
> [_] Recommended by salesperson
> [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
> [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
> [_] Backroom politics
> [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>
>8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
> [_] North America
> [_] Central / South America
> [_] Aircraft carrier
> [_] Europe
> [_] Middle East
> [_] Africa
> [_] Asia / Far East
> [_] Misc. Third World countries
> [_] Classified
>
>9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
> purchase in the near future:
> [_] Color TV
> [_] VCR
> [_] ICBM
> [_] Killer Satellite
> [_] CD Player
> [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
> [_] Space Shuttle
> [_] Home Computer
> [_] Nuclear Weapon
>
>10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?
> (Check all that apply:)
> [_] Communist / Socialist
> [_] Terrorist
> [_] Crazed
> [_] Neutral
> [_] Democratic
> [_] Dictatorship
> [_] Corrupt
> [_] Primitive / Tribal
>
>11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
> [_] Deficit spending
> [_] Cash
> [_] Suitcases of cocaine
> [_] Oil revenues
> [_] Personal check
> [_] Credit card
> [_] Ransom money
> [_] Traveller`s check
>
>12. Your occupation:
> [_] Homemaker
> [_] Sales / marketing
> [_] Revolutionary
> [_] Clerical
> [_] Mercenary
> [_] Tyrant
> [_] Middle management
> [_] Eccentric billionaire
> [_] Defense Minister / General
> [_] Retired
> [_] Student
>
>13. To help us understand our customers` lifestyles, please indicate
> the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
> participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing
> [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / disinformation
> [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening
> [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles /
> collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation /
> torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage /
> reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_]
> Mutually Assured Destruction
>
>Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
>answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
>Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
>receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
>extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
>
>Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
>
>Please write to:
>
> McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
> Marketing Department
> Military Aerospace Division
> P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO


Why God does not have a Ph.D:
>>
>>1. He had only one major publication.
>>2. It was in Hebrew.
>>3. It had no references.
>>4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
>>5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
>>6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
>> then?
>>7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
>>8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
>>9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
>> subjects.
>>10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
>> subjects.
>>11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
>> sample.
>>12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
>>13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
>>14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
>>15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed
>> his tests.
>>16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a
>>mountain-top.



Two guys were in line at the ticket counter at the airport.
One said to the other, "Have you ever made a Freudian slip?" 
The other guy said, "I'm not sure I know what that is." 
"Well, for example, when I walked up to this counter and that 
good looking woman asked if she could help me, I meant to say, 
I need two tickets to Pittsburgh, but what came out was, I need
two pickets to Tittsburgh." The other guy said, "Oh yeah, I know
exactly what you mean. That happened to me the other night. 
I was sitting down to dinner with my lovely wife of 20 years. 
I meant to say, please pass the potatoes, but what came out was,

YOU'RE MAKING MY LIFE MISERABLE, YOU BITCH."


A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the
child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have
about ten.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a
calorie.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
have a full moon.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and 
have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. 
Also, she would fall over forwards with the weight of her 
breasts.

If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually
turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all
of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because
cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it
as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left
hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at
night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches
for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
they start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of
Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate 
toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England
in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able
to remember the word you want.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United
States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by
a poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other
people in the world



"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, dolefully.

"That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.

"I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside
himself.

"That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said,
revolted.

"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

"That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said,
straightforwardly.

"I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.

"I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

"I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

"Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with
condescension.

"I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.

"That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.

"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.

"I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.

"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.

"That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to
the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the 
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" 

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and 
begins. "How am I doing?" He asks. 

"Three knots," she replies. 

"Three knots? What's that mean?"

"You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your
money back."


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name,
It's "I wasn't getting tail."
He loves to sing it every day,
The White House people all just saaaaaaay,
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making bullshit sound OK!


As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl 
named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made 
her way to New York where before long, she became a 
successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a 
Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had 
always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan 
recognized her and began asking her about her work. She 
explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to
know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show 
him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father 
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, 
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two 
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide 
eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance 
Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me 
bloomers on!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't 
want to own one.
~ W. C. Fields

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to 
become as mediocre as possible.
~ Margaret Mead

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What is the difference between a sewing machine and a 
lady jogging?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells
size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to
buy some?" 

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here
until someone does?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a spermatozoa?

A: A spermatozoa has a one in sixth chance of becoming a 
human being.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
Once had a wife--she was such a dear,
Then came AOL, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits , for hours on end...
don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine...
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.

She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer--that's all she missed!
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities--I'm in cyber Hell!!
My stomach's growling--it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!

Drink me a beer, stare at the walls
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my balls
Farting and burping all while I pee
Can you believe she's there?? She could be with ME!!


A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, 
pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about 
to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms 
rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. 
He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's 
searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so 
he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them 
and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue 
negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's 
paid for."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A little old lady in Miami Beach happened upon a handsome
older man who was soaking up some sun on the beach.

She said to him, "Sooo, tell me about yourself."

The man answered, "Well, I just got out of prison, where I 
served 30 years. I took a knife and stabbed my wife a 
hundred times, then cut her body into a bunch of little pieces and 
set them on fire."

The old lady asks, "So, you're single?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt to throw the dick out
of the window?

She didn't have the balls. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Did you hear about the golfer who killed the Puerto Rican?

He shot a hole in Juan.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A lady was ailing so her husband took her to see the doctor. The
doctor was shocked by her appearance. He said, "I don't like the 
looks of your wife."

"Neither do I," said her husband, "but she's great with the kids."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>




An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a whorehouse 
and knocks on the door. When the Madam answers he says,
"Me want woman!"

The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says, "You want a
woman huh?" He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."

"But do you have experience?" the Madam answers.

"Experience?," asked the Indian.

"Have you done this before?"

"No, but me want woman. Me got money."

The Madam laughs and says, "I'll tell you what honey, you go 
out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes in
those trees and when you know what you're doing you come back
and see me."

So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to get
experience with. The next week he goes back to the whorehouse
and knocks on the door. When the Madam comes to the door he 
says, "Me want woman. Me got experience." So the Madam sends
him upstairs with one of her girls.

When they get upsatirs the Indian tells her to take off her clothes 
and bend over. When she does, he takes out a 2x4 and smacks her
on the ass.

"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed.

The Indian replied, "Checking for bees."


Out of the Mouths of Children:

How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should 
keep the chips and dip coming."
Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out 
later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person 
FOREVER by then!"
Cam, age 10

"No age is good to get married at....You got to be a fool to get
married!"
Freddie, age 6

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6

"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen 
long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning 
Sour?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead 
columns."
Craig, age 9

When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want 
to mess with that."
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should 
marry them and have kids with them....It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!"
Theodore, age 8


"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over 
for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10

What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get 
Married?

"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness
and diseases together."
Marlon, age 10

How to Make a Marriage Work
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes....Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few 
diamonds on it."
Lori, age 8

Getting Married for a Second Time

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one 
to find a live one."
Angie L., age 10

How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

MDavis6602.@ aol.com Sends:

In a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had
this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards." 

Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer
for my gator."


After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally
goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He 
was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he 
stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best
damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd
appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was
such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving 
this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know
that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there 
collection plate."

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a 
Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door early on in the morning
and then tells you to go fuck yourself.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for
their experiments? 

1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man goes to a prostitute and hands her the agreed upon fee 
of two hundred dollars.

Getting undressed, the hooker asks him, "What would you like 
to do?"

The man replies, "I'd really like to have wild sex and then spank
you."

The hooker asks, "How long do you want to spank me?"

The man replies, "As long as it takes to get my $200 back."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Quoted from Zdnet's Anchordesk:
http://www.zdnet.com/anchordesk/story/story_2617.html

Seven Characteristics Of Highly Desirable Workers 

1. Raw brain power. At Microsoft, for instance,
recruiters are instructed to hire the smartest
people they can find. Workers with IQs over 135
are common. (A 160 IQ is considered "genius.")

2. High energy. You need this to enthusiastically
toil 100 hours a week. Of course, this can sometimes
be a euphemism for "young with no outside life."

3. Unflagging optimism. If you were born with it,
you've got a sizeable advantage.

4. Leadership skills. Teamwork is king. It doesn't
help to pick the right path if you cannot convince
your colleagues to follow.

5. Track record of success. It helps if you have
shipped a successful Internet or ecommerce
product, for instance.

6. Raw talent. This often involves brilliant solutions
to thorny problems, fast. If you come up with elegant
answers in your sleep, consider yourself golden.
(And an MBA/MSEE from Stanford, or one of the top
five graduate schools can't hurt.)

7. Ability to imagine. Mindspring says the ability
to anticipate the unimagined may be the most
critical management skill of the Internet era.

These are the characteristics business experts say the most
desirable tech companies need to succeed in the future.
If you have got the right combination, recruiters are
standing by to help you hit the jackpot. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



22 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN TORONTO
(Then make sure you go to Florida and apply the same rules.)

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals are clues as to your next move. It's important that
younever use them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going
with the flow."

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your
ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Toronto look high-tech and
to distract you from seeing the Photo Radar police car parked in the
median.

9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way
to scare people entering the highway.

10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable in the Toronto Area.

11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean the jerk in the BMW flashing his high beams behind
you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in Toronto.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire or getting a traffic ticket.

14. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the
existing litter from getting lonely and gives Toronto sanitation crews
something to clean up.

15. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, (especially
pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or
Chevy logo.)

16. Learn to swerve abruptly. Toronto is the home of driving high-speed
slalom thanks to the idiot's driving 60 Km in the 110 Km highway zones.
This tests drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.

17. It is traditional in Toronto to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.

18. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

19. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.

20. Heavy rains or snow are no reason to change any of the previously
listed rules. These weather conditions are Gods way ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junk yards, and new vehicle sales.

21. Remember that the goal of every Toronto driver is to get there first
(and fast), by whatever means necessary.

22. Real Toronto women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup
at 110 kilometers per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real Toronto men
drivers can talk on their cell phone at 110 kilometers per hour in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An Irishman's Life Philosophy

In life, there are only two things to worry about, either you are well, or
you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about, but if you
are sick, you have two things to worry about; either you will live, or you
will die. If you live, there is nothing to worry about, if you die, you
have two things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to
hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends, you won't have
time to worry!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Irish Toasts: (Duck! more of these comin' :p )

Here's to me, and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter-
I'll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

-=-=-

Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Top Ten New Advertising Campaign Themes for Accountants

When The "Baltimore Business Journal" reported about the image realignment
wanted by accountants, they had no idea that Robert Prentice, Professor at
the University of Texas at Austin would pick it up. They reported that
"The industry's trade group plans to spend $3 million this year to make
over the humble accountant's image." Mr. Prentice saw this as a call to
action, and he quickly marshaled his students in LEB 380.17 (Liability of
Accountants) to come up with pithy new slogans for use in the new
marketing push. The results of their laborious efforts are here, in "Top
Ten" format: 


10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above
lawyers. 
9. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us.
8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers.
7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers. 
6. Just count it!
5. Have you hugged your accountant today?
4. If you don't look good, we don't look good.
3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you.
2. We check to make sure you're balanced.

--And, the Number 1 suggested marketing topic, formulated by
Xavier Pe=B1a=:

1. Accountants: Always there to cover your ASSets!


Definitions for Parents:

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through
labor, to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster. 

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him. 

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. 

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. 

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. 

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own. 

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. 

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Irish Toasts:

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours 
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done 
For you and yours!

-=-=-

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before
the devil knows you're dead.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Did you hear about the 200 lb. man who had 100 lb. testicles?
He was half nuts.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local
forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed
a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. 

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day
is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local
church. I too was walking through this forest when I was
confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I
yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and
with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see
before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way
of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person
would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmt and with a
good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the
frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food,
placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow
beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old
Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "


It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil
Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared
into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put
out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O
Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he
was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that
they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in
Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab
explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if
he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him
how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy
Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000.
"Great!" said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames
shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck
with four Red Haired Paddys comes roaring over the Sand Dunes
and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no
avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning
rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and
proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with
amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The four
Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said..."Jezus... that was
rough!"

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy;
"And what are you going to buy with all this money?. 

"Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of
brakes for that fucking truck!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Irish Toasts:

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

-=-=-=-

Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies!

-=-=-=-

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer and another one!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



What do you call a lesbian from Alaska?

A Klondyke.


BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ...

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.and the

#1 bumper sticker of the week......

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What's an auditor? 

- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with his pencil.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What's the definition of an accountant? 

- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"Tom Hansen" tom @.ruh.com Sends:

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea
arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up
the Miami sun when an old flea friend of his stumbled down the
beach.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar
looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his
eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in
some guy's mustache and he rode his Harley down here! I nearly
froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. 

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading
some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the
stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the
toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take
a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" 

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so
later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the
beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and
miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything
you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a
really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so
warm and cozy that I dozed right off." 

"And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know,
I'm on this guy's mustache again!"


An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males
in her car.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, 
proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she
knows how to use it and that she will if required.... so get out
of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation
but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to
load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into
the drivers seat. 

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition.

Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. 
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. 
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two 
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 
4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, 
white woman ... no charges were filed.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

When does a person decide to become an accountant? 

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as
an undertaker.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his 
doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three
hours trying to find it."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really 
sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, 
male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay..."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race 
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute
with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting
dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled 
to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest 
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy
from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They
used 
steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody 
could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans
showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. 
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was 
no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage 
and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog 
snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. 
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund 
opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was 
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best 
people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers
in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An elderly couple was driving cross country, the woman was 
driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer
said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman
turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." 
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" 
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you
are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst
sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K.
It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.
What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it
with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what 
kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer;what has that to do 
with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you 
noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm 
running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00


Luigi the organ grinder wasn't doing much business in the middle
of the street, so he decided to move down to the corner, near
the bus stop. Therre he cranked his music box, smiling broadly
for passersby, as the monkey flit about trying to stir up
business.

On one particularly busy day, Luigi was so busy watching the
parade of new faces that he failed to pay much attention to the
monkey. Unbeknownst to him, the plucky little ape approached a
young man waiting for the bus, scurried up his leg and onto his
jacket, and promptly poked his penis in the man's ear. He
proceeded to hump away, his little monkey claws holding tightly
so the man couldn't dislodge him.

"Hey!" shouted the man, turning to the organ grinder, "do you
know your monkey's screwing my damn ear!"

"No," said the organ grinder solicitously, "but if you'll hum a
few bars..."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American
families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and
didn't work.

Seven million of these were antiques.

The rest were college students.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"I don't understand," asked the accountant. "If you're selling
these computers way under cost, how is it that you're showing a
profit?"

"Simple," said the businessman. "We make our money fixing
them."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Q: Why is it called sex?

A: Because it's easier to spell than "uhhh... oohhh... ahhhh...
AIEEEE!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Mr. Manstel returned home one night to find his wife laying
naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip... only
to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the
bed.

"All right," he demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me
where the cigar came from!"

A muffled voice came from under the bed...

"Havana."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband
cried, "My God, Janet! What are you doing?!"

Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said, "And you
thought I was kidding when I told you he didn't know his ass
from his elbow."


This girl is so hot for Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt that she
decides to have their likenesses tattooed on her butt, one on
each cheek. Her boyfriend is furious but wants to see what
they look like.

The girl drops her jeans and sticks out her ass.

Her boyfriend says, "They don't look anything like Tom Cruise
or Brad Pitt!"

The pair argue, and the girl says she wants a second opinion.
When the mailman comes to the door, she proudly displays her
newly tattooed cheeks and asks him, "Do you know whose faces
these are?"

"No," the mailman says, "but the one in the middle looks just
like Willie Nelson."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What do Rosanne Barr and a coke dealer have in common?

Three hundred pounds of crack.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Why is life like a cock?

When it's soft, it's hard to beat; when it's hard, you get
screwed.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Newly arrived in Beverly Hills from Mississippi, Rufus got a
job as a gardner. At the end of his first day on the job, he
knocked on the door and his boss, Mr. Mayer, answered.

"Mister Mayer, sir, do you know where I kin find me sum hose?"

Mayer shrugged, "We keep it in the garage, of course."

"Ah," Rufus sighed. "Thas Bev'ly Hills for ya. In
Mississippi, ah hadda go all the way to the street co'nuh."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man knocks on the door of an exclusive brothel.

Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I
do for you, sir?"

"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club. To join, you must slip a hundred
dollars under the door."

The man does so, but the door doesn't open. The madam appears
again. The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."

The madam says, "What, again?"


Frivolous Lawsuits by Jailbirds

America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal
justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil
side. Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what
state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a
few favorites:

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the
grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate
his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no
money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost
sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given
a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut
butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one
chunky and one creamy.

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his
civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via
UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated
but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith
was that all its practices were secret.

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party
that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for
his baldness.

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a
rope.

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to
country music.

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a
con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half your
job for you."

Studying the machine the senior VP decided, "Fine, I'll take
two."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I had a date last night... (don't stroke out mom) ...
He walked me to my door at the end of the evening and said,
"Will I see you pretty soon?"

I replied, "Hell, no! This is as pretty as I can get, it's all downhill 
from here!" :p

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


More than anything, dull Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking
pity on him, a rancher decided to hire him and give him a
chance.

"this," he said, showing Dennis a rope, "is a lariat. We use it
to catch cows."

"I see," said Dennis, trying to seen knowledgeable as he examine
the riata. "And what do you use for bait?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

(I'm not quite sure just what a 'Wuga Buga' is, but he writes
good stuff... oh wait, 'Wuggggaaaa Buggggaaaa'... isn't that when 
your boyfriend sticks his face in between your... uh... um...
Never-mind. *baeg* )



Nick's Gourmet Coffee 

Nick's Caf was having a bad year. So, to boost profits, Nick
decided to sell small packets of coffee which he introduced as 
Nick's 100% Gourmet Ground. To cut cost, he included chicory 
and was sure that no-one would notice.

Big Hoss came by one day and bought some. After drinking the
brew, he was hospitalized due to a severe reaction to chicory. 
Once recovered, Hoss went to see his lawyer. After telling his 
story, the lawyer asked him if he still had the remains of the coffee. 
But alas, Hoss did not.

The lawyer refused to represent Big Hoss as they didn't have the
grounds for a good legal case.

~by Wuga Buga


Aged Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a
week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?"

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour
in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Out to lunch one day, two immigrants were having a fine time
until Hymie began to gag.

"I-I tink I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.

"Hymie," said Miklos, "are you choking?"

"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why do mice have small balls?

Because so few of them know how to dance.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


What goes, "Click, click, click, click, did I get it? 
Click, click, click, click, did I get it?"

A blind person playing with Rubik's Cube.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

All I need to know, I learned from Noah:

Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

Build on high ground.

For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Two heads are better than one.

Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but
so were the snails.

If you can't fight or flee -- float!

Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on
earth.

Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and
complain ... START SHOVELING!

Stay below deck during the storm.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat
than the storm outside.

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

Remember, the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.

Don't miss the boat.

No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the
other side.


Relationship Glossary:

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money,
time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like
a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a
man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate
to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised
to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in
the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due
to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally
unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a
few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more
often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in
love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular
person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but
not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be
is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Big Gyant Mom Sends:

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks funny.

**I'm not even gonna *ask* where you picked this one up 
from... you pig. :p

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



What's the difference between a hooker and Hillary Clinton?

Hillary only gives snow jobs.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Michael Jackson goes to see his doctor for a checkup.

After the examination, the doctor says to him, "Mr. Jackson,
have you been having sex with little boys again?"

"Yes," Michael Jackson confesses, "I just can't help myself.
But how did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because you've got a G.I. Joe doll up your
ass."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>




Ralph wasn't what you would call worldly. He was especially
nervous about his first date with Sally because he knew that she
had been around.

Pretending to be gracious when in fact he had absolutely no idea
what to do, Ralph let her call the shots.

At her suggestion they went to a hamburger place to eat, stopped
at a club to dance, and then went to an isolated beach that
Sally had suggested.

Feeling more confident as the night progressed, Ralph was
surprised when Sally said, "Hey... wanna go out on the beach and
get naked?"

Looking her straight in the eye, Ralph said, "Hell, no, I want
to stay here with you!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Bill Clinton is stepping off Air Force One, with a pig under
each arm.

The Marine standing guard snaps to attention and says "Mighty
fine pigs, Sir!"

To which Clinton replies, "These are not pigs, son. These are
Arkansas razorbacks. I got one for Hillary and one for
Chelsea."

Without any hesitation, the Marine replies, "Excellent trade,
Sir!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young
Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast
suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk
about your father like that!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a
confession to make; the reason that they have not been too
intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes
to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind 
she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the
girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said
below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to
cancel the marriage, it is okay with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went
on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl
took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard.

Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's
naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before
we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

** OH! BABY! *eg*


Actual answers given by contestants in the game show 
Family Feud. 

Name something a blind person might use - A sword 
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon 
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell 
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar 
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde 
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs 
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse 
Name something that floats in the bath - Water 
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair 
Name something Red - My cardigan 
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers 
Name a famous royal - Mail 
A number you have to memorize - 7 
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep 
Something you put on walls - Roofs 
Something in the garden that's green - Shed 
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle
with wings 
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing 
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters 
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet 
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate 
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog 
Something associated with the police - Pigs 
A sign of the zodiac - April 
Something slippery - A conman 
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish 
A food that can be brown or white - Potato 
A jacket potato topping - Jam 
A famous Scotsman - Jock 
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones 
Something with a hole in it - Window 
A non living object with legs - Plant 
A domestic animal - Leopard 
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee 
A way of cooking fish - Cod 
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The worst kind of accountant to have is the shy retiring type. 

His ledgers are a few million dollars shy, which is why he's
retiring.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


ACTUAL SIGNS: 

At a Santa Fe gas station: 
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." 

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the 
manager." 

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: 
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the 
law.--Sisters of Mercy" 

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 
"38 years on the same spot." 

In a Los Angeles dance hall: 
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." 

In a Florida maternity ward: 
"No children allowed." 

In a New York drugstore: 
"We dispense with accuracy." 

In the offices of a loan company: 
"Ask about our plans for owning your home." 

In a New York medical building: 
"Mental Health Prevention Center" 

On a New York convalescent home: 
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." 

On a Maine shop: 
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices 
and workmanship.." 

At a number of military bases: 
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel." 

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: 
"Now available in multi-packs." 

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty 
work." 

In a funeral parlor: 
"Ask about our layaway plan." 

In a clothing store: 
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." 

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" 

On a shopping mall marquee: 
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" 

Outside a country shop: 
"We buy junk and sell antiques." 

In the window of an Oregon store: 
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" 

In a Maine restaurant: 
"Open 7 days a week and weekends." 

On a radiator repair garage: 
"Best place to take a leak." 

In the vestry of a New England church: 
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual 
light is extinguished." 

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their 
own graves." 

On a roller coaster: 
"Watch your head." 

On the grounds of a public school: 
"No trespassing without permission." 

On a Tennessee highway: 
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." 

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: 
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." 

On a Barry Jolly Plumbing Van-Cincinnati area
"A flush beats a full house!"

This is what is on a sign at a little restaurant.
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an
injection"

Ohio Road Sign Prosperity 30 mi ->
<- Clinton 70 mi

Actually seen hanging in a gas station several years ago:
Our Credit Advisor is Mrs. Helen Waite.
If you want credit from us, go to Helen Waite.

In the key west internationl airport's souvenier store
"unattended children will be sold into slavery"

Sign on a retail store door in Stevens Point, WI:
PUSH, if it doesn't open,
PULL, if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.


MODERN SAYINGS:

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm
cheap!" -Delta Burke

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I
don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and
I do not want it. -Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder
Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying
enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the
front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill.
I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the
women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you
look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who
will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say
they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one
cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently,
they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. -Conan O'Brien

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at
Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy
station wagons. -Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want
to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me
somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an
algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
-Tim Allen

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your
bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So
instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going
to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the
remote." -Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you
have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours
every day just to pay their taxes.So that's why we can't get
anything done in the morning: We're government workers!
-Jay Leno

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny
into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him
shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
-Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My
husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police
came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned
himself in. -Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a
miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. -Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
-Steven Wright

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?"
And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
-Gary Shandling

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the
wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Consider the well-known example of Winston Churchill, one of
history's most delightful wits. Churchill who loved a good
tipple, was at a party and getting a little drunk. 

A very large and aggressive looking woman walked up to him,
glared and said: 'You're drunk!' 

Looking calmly at her, he smiled and said: 'Madam, I'm drunk
and you're ugly. But tomorrow, I'll be sober.'

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>




A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her
gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for
years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked
down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the
bowl."

"Uh-huh."

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply
going through your change."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Every morning an antelope wakes up knowing it has to outrun the
fastest cougar or it will be killed. Every morning a cougar
wakes up knowing it has to outrun the slowest antelope or it
will starve. 

So, whether you're a cougar or an antelope, when the sun comes
up, you'd better hit the ground running.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face
at the bar.

"Roger," she said, pointing, "do you see that man downing
bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded.

"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for
ten years, ever since I jilted him."

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even
that's not worth so much celebrating."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Doggie Love Haikus:

Love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot-no greater bliss, well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under the fence - why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You call them fleas,
But they are far more- I call
Them a vocation

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.


It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. the teacher
greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me
death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba,
who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people,
by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again , no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln,
1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than
you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a
loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The young girl said to the rather hip priest, "Father, is it a
sin to have sex before receiving Communion?"

He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The president was awakened late one night by an urgent 
call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to
contain himself, "there's good news and bad news."

"Oh no," muttered the president. "Well, let me have the
bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by 
creatures from another planet."

"Christ, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and piss oil."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the
opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your
most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the
conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the
dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A
woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on
her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that
goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best
friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel. The man
protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with 
the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."


Subject: Easter

One Easter morning, a Sunday School teacher asked 
her class if they knew the origins of this, special 
day. 

One young man responded immediately, "It's opening 
day for the Yankees and Giants". Not wishing to 
stifle creative thinking, the teacher responded, 
"What a wonderful answer! 

But I had something else in mind". 

A young girl then stood and remarked, "That's the day 
we get nice new clothes and go find the eggs from the 
Easter Bunny. "That's right", said the teacher," But 
there's something else just a little more important. 

A young man then jumped up and yelled, "I know, I 
know!!. "After Jesus died on the cross, some of his 
friends buried him in a tomb they called a sepulcher". 

The teacher thought, "I don't believe it, someone 
actually knows". The little boy continued, "and three 
days later Jesus arose and opened the door of the 
tomb and stepped out". "Yes, yes, said teacher, 
"Go on, go on! And the youngster said "And if he sees 
his shadow, we have six more weeks of bad weather". 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince woke Sleeping
Beauty?

"Looks like it's back to jerking off."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. 

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" 

The woman replies, "I'm a whore." 

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never
work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." 

The woman says, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." 

"No, that is still too crude. Try again." 

They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states,
"I'm a chicken farmer!" 

The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to
do with being a whore or a prostitute?" 

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year." 


A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory
where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away
from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his
little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his
life. "Wow, this is great," he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing
under it he saw a wonderful sight; lots of other bunny rabbits, 
all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It
tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got
carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the
most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked
them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We
eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he
asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and
spoke softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.
"They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his
little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back
over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We
thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the
laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

TAX TIP: The only thing that you don't have to pay 
income taxes on this year is your pecker. That's because
75 percent of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 
5 percent of the time, it is pissed off; 10 percent of the 
time, it is hard up; and the last 10 percent winds up in the
hole. On top of everything, it has two dependents that 
are nuts and it's next door neighbor is an asshole.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Q. What did the gay man say when he saw Jesus hanging
from the cross?
A. Good God you're well-hung.

Q. How did Jesus prepare for Good Friday? 
A. Cross training.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. 
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat 
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. 
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the 
blind man. 

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, 
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"


DO NOT CONNECT TO THE INTERNET FROM MARCH 31st 23:59 pm (GMT)
UNTIL 12:01am (GMT) APRIL 2nd.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the
Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to
clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and
inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working
and faster Internet. 

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 23:59 pm
(GMT) on March 31st until 00:01 am (GMT) on April 2nd. During
that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet-crawling robots
situated around the world will search the Internet and delete
any data that they find. 

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask
that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their
Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the
Internet. 
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to
the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any
way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some
Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that
any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the
increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has
been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam. 

We thank you for your cooperation.
Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff 
Main Branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number
of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in
alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by
posting this message where your users will be able to read it. 

Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users
as well. 

Thank you.


Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child
will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God
brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the
Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's
intentions, Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth
plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on
every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after
this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave
slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations. What has not been known is
why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence
would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.
It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the
renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer.
Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls
before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious
... The Pharaoh was still in de Nile. 


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Reprinted without permission. Snigglets:

PAASAULT (pahz alt) v. Cracking an Easter egg on someone's
head.
PAASORB (pahz orb) n. A peeled Easter egg that has the color of
the shell on it.


As we all know, April 1st is that day we traditionally play
practical jokes on each other. But, as we also know, when noon
comes, the jokes end.

Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2
rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. 
They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee
and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM. Three minutes later, they
got a call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank
dressed as a banana." Well there was only 1 bank in town, in
fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an
"armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big
Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So
they continued on enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat,
Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana."
Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but
arrived 30 seconds after the banana split. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit 
that he has one.
Clinton uses his all the time.

What is it?

A last name.


OK Here Ya Go... EASTER EGG HUNT! Yaaayyyy!

WIN98 Users:

Displaying Windows 98's Easter Egg

1. To begin, double-click the clock display in the system tray. 

2. When the Date/Time Properties sheet appears, select the Time
Zone tab. 

3. Now, hold down the [Ctrl] key and click your left mouse
button on the approximate location of Memphis, Egypt. 

4. Next, while still holding down the [Ctrl] key, imagine that
you're dragging an object across the ocean and drop it on
approximate location of Memphis, Tennessee. Don't release the
[Ctrl] key. 

5. Then, click on the same imaginary object and drag it across
the United States and drop in on Redmond, Washington. 

6.You can now release the [Ctrl] key. When you do so, a dialog
box will appear containing a list the Microsoft Windows 98
developers. You'll also see a slide show of pictures from the
Microsoft campus accompanied by the great music from the
Welcome to Windows 98 screen you saw after you installed
Windows 98. Be patient, you'll probably have to repeat the
steps again several times to get it right. 

-=-=-

WIN 95 Users:

Displaying Windows 95's Easter Eggs

PRODUCT TEAM CREDITS
1. Right Click on the Desktop. 

2. Select New... then Folder. 

3. Name the folder "and now, the moment you've all been waiting
for". 

4. Right Click on the folder and rename it to "we proudly
present for your viewing pleasure". 

5. Rename it again to "The Microsoft Windows 95 Product Team!" 

6. Open the folder and the Windows 95 credits will be
displayed. The folder will remain around so anytime you want
to view the credits again, all you have to do is re-open the
folder. 

-=-=-

TASKBAR ANIMATION

!! MAKE SURE TO EXIT ALL PROGRAMS BEFORE STARTING THIS !!

1. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del 

2. Click on Explorer 

3. Click End Task

4. When it asks to shutdown..choose -No 

5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you get an error message 

6. When error message appears - choose End Task 

7. Watch animation on the taskbar (at the bottom) 

-=-=-

MINESWEEPER

1. click on a square to get the timer going.

2. hold down both mouse buttons, and a 9 square indentation
will appear.

3. Hit the ESC key to make the clock stop.

4. Get the best time :p 

-=-=-=-

FONT CARTOON

1. Get property.zip from Microsoft's web site.

2. Install the True Type Font Properties extension ttfext.dll 

3. Restart Windows.

4. start/settings/control panel/fonts/ 

5. Right click on Times New Roman.

6. Select properties.

7. Select Tab reading "TrueType Credits" 

-=-=-=-

DISAPPEARING START BUTTON

1. Click the START Button.

2. Hold ALT and the - 

3. Click CLOSE 

4. To get back the START Button: restart Windows

-=-=-=-

HELP CREDITS

1. Go to the start menu and click Help. 

2. Click the tab marked Find. 

3. At this point you may get a wizard asking you to set up
Find. If you do, use the defaults. 

4. In the Find dialog box click Options. 

5. Set the top section to: All the words you typed in order,
set the next section to: begin with the characters you
typed. 

6. Click OK to return back to the main dialog box, and enter in 
the top box exactly: Who knows who built this tool? 

7. Hold down Shift and Control while clicking the Clear button. 

8. Click Options again, and set the top section to: At least 
one of the words you typed, set the next section to: 
contain the characters you type. And click OK to return 
to the main dialog box. 

9. In the top box enter exactly: The Shadow knows! 

10. Hold down Shift and Control while clicking the Clear
button. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

** While Y'all were busy playin' with yerselves, I stole
all yer Easter candy. *baeg*
~BGH

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Q: What do you have when you see 30 Easter bunnies in a row
and they are all marching backwards?

A: A receding hairline.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Twas the Night Before Easter

Twas the night before Easter. All was calm and laid-back.
Fred, the mouse in the kitchen, snarfed down a late snack.
The eggs were all dyed but still drippy and sticky--
to be honest, they looked just a little bit icky.

There were big jelly beans, chocolate bunnies and such, 
And as Fred stuffed his face, he signed, "This is too much!"
Phil and Rose were in bed watching late-night TV,
While munching saltines witih low-sodium Brie.

Then a sudden commotion ran out in the night.
It shook Phil and Rose, really gave them a fright.
Phil's hair stood on end, and his eyes bugged out big--
Rose whipped off the covers and knocked off her wig.
They lunged to the window, yanked open the blinds--
What they saw was amazing; it boggled their minds:

Across the night sky, with a noise like the dickens, 
soared a mini-van drawn by eight overgrown chickens!
At the wheel sat a bunny - - cute, fuzzy, and fat- -
In designer blue jeans and a Panama hat.

Like a speeding space shuttle, those chickens they flew,
As the van driver called to each hen in his crew:
"Now, Ashley! Now, Sheila! Now, Kelsey and Bo!
On, Bethany, Liza! On, Daphne, on, Flo!

The van made its landing lickety-split--
Nearly wiped out the shrubs and the barbecue pit!
Then up on the roof, much to Phil's consternation, 
they squawked of egg prices and space navigation.

They made so much noise that Phil started to stammer, 
"If you guys don't shut up, we'll get thrown in the slammer!"
Fuzzy hopped down the chimney, amidst all this racket,
And emerged from the fireplace, adjusting his jacket.

This bunny was chic, he had class, he had flair-----
Not your average bozo, not your typical hare.
His ears were enormous; his huge overbite
was right under a nose like a pink neon light.
His manner was smooth, he was hip, he was cool;
This floppy--eared bunny was no fuzzy fool.

"While I'm here," he smiled, " Everybody relaxes---
I'm not selling storm windows, won't audit your taxes.
I'm just here to bring your some fun and delight.
Eat, drink, and be merry! Let's party tonight!"

So they sipped diet soda and swapped silly jokes, 
Those birds and their bunny just being plain folks.
Then flop--ears said, "Hey, friends, we've had quite a ball,
but my chickens and I are now due in St. Paul!"

He crossed both his eyes, Then he wiggled one ear, 
And he yelled to his chicken team, "We're outta here!"
As the mini-van rose in the 3 a.m. sky, 
He called out, "Later, Phil ! And to you, Rose, good-bye!"
As he sped out of sight, his two friends heard him say,
"HAPPY EASTER to all ! Have a beautiful day ! "


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew
down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK
POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work
as much as I do, I give you the ...

1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a
pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to
the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. 
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making
a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a
machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or
a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked
away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air
time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always
look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work
taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact. 

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into
the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. 
Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH. 

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. 
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become
a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound
Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss
stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try
finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. 
Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.


A cowboy and his cowgirl bride ask the hotel clerk for a room, telling him
they just got married that morning.

"Congratulations!" says the clerk. "Would you like the bridal then?"

"Naw, thanks," says the cowgirl. "I'll just hold him by the ears till
he gets the hang of it."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Viagra now come in the form of nasal spray...
It's for all you dickheads. :p

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Pope John Paul II granted one of his rare interviews, and the
journalist began by asking the pontiff if he had any pet peeves.

"Only two," he said candidly. "Firstly, I dislike Polish jokes
because they portray Poles as ingnorant oafs; and secondly, I
can no longer abide M & M candies."

The reporter looked up from her notebook. "I understand the
Polish jokes, Your Holiness, but ... why do you hate M & Ms?"

The pope replied, "Because I don't like having to peel off the
shells to get to the chocolate."


Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking
hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and
then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the
country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys
decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide
out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded
their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large
pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the
road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for
you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and
happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could
not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He
hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The
cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when
they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road
and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked
his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently
and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One
for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing
the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later
as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout
said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down
by the road, we'll have them all."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Practical Application:

He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, 
"Now that's addition."

And as he added smack by smack 
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly gave the kisses back and said, 
"Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, 
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said, 
"That's multiplication."

Then Dad appeared upon the scene and 
Made a quick decision.
He kicked that kid three blocks away 
And said, "That's long division!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The Washington Post recently had a contest for readers in which
they wereasked to supply possible alternate meanings for
various words. The following were some of the winning entries: 

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy
smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answerthe door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are runover by a steamroller.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood,including such things as gluing the pages of the
priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked
around by the mayor.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism--n., Belief that when you die, your soul goes
up on the roof and gets stuck.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had
plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do
except play with himself. After many years, even that became so
monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. 

Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his
sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he
sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire then
throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the
air. 

The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and
thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want
is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me
some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice
dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take
to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll
start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk
panties!" 

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into
his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied
about the ship!" 


Microsoft and Harley-Davidson to Merge

The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the
world's largest computer software provider, and the
Harley-Davidson Motor Company, America's largest manufacturer
of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that
will create one of the world's largest but strangest
multinational corporations.

"When you think about it, it only makes sense," said
Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. "We
both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our
products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break
down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this
natural marriage as synergy."

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based
neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but
somewhere in between. Company representatives have been
scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead
of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate
plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that
they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told
Motorcycle Online that buying a few counties is not out of the
question.

Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE
and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial
details of the merger have not been made public but it is
expected to be a stock for stock exchange.

Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle
model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new
cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam
95.1 -- an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel
Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet
Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all
competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine
Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsoft's example, MicroHogs will not be owned
outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal
use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on
the market.

M-D's software side will receive some pointers from the
former Motor Company as well. "Instead of that soft, shrill
squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new
program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will
vibrate," said Piehl.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What killed Jerry Garcia?

Acid indigestion.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog
at his feet. 

"Does your dog bite?" he asked. 

"No." was the reply. 

A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. 

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said
indignantly. 

"That's not my dog." 


MALICIOUS EMAIL VIRUS THAT CORRECTS SPELLING AND GRAMMAR
SPREADING ON INTERNET. 

A new computer virus is rapidly spreading around the Internet
altering millions of email messages. The virus, named "Big
Bertha," is of unknown origin and termed "malicious" by
computer security experts. After invading an email recipient's
computer, it subsequently corrects spelling mistakes and errors
in grammar including substitution of complete sentences with
improved style and word usage on a college level. Several major
corporations are alarmed at its impact and claim the virus has
disrupted business communications on a large scale. "I received
an email from my boss and barely understood what he was trying
to say. I needed a Thesaurus to get through it," said a top
executive at a major telecommunications firm. A patch to
eradicate the virus from user's computers is available from the
web sites of several virus protection programs. 


The insurance adjuster informed the brewery employee's widow
that she wasn't eligible to collect her husband's insurance
when he drowned in a vat.

Eyewitnesses swore he got out four times to piss.


A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of
sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his
ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp
commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship
had left port and was streaming out of the channel. 

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck
was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a
destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment
and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him
with a message from the captain. 

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My
personal congratulations upon completing your underway
preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing
speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the
unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before
getting under way." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: What do Monica and Alaska have in common?
A: The Ididarod.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

HOW TO TRAIN A HUMAN BEING
By Nikita el Gato

Human beings are large, clumsy animals with extremely poor
night vision that make a lot of noise. However, they live in
weather-proof homes, and are easily trained.

CHOOSING YOUR HUMAN: Humans don't realize this, but 
we choose which humans to live with, and which ones to avoid. 
Avoid humans who start sneezing when we get close. They are 
allergic to us. Also avoid ones that try and kick us. A good human
will bend down and reach out to scratch an ear and start saying
something stupid like "nice kitty kitty." The trick is to get
inside the human's home to see if they have a suitable
environment for one of our superior species.

GETTING CARRIED AROUND: While walking to one's destination is
preferable, it is nevertheless fun to be picked up and carried
around by a human, because this provides a much loftier view of
things. Female humans are more likely to pick you up. They
will try and scratch your belly, so arch your back and they
will reach under you. For some reason, most humans
instinctively pick us up at that point.

GETTING FED ON TIME: Humans are somewhat erratic in their
eating habits, but this must not be allowed to conflict with
our getting fed exactly on time every day. Pick a time,
usually at 5 in the morning, and insist on being fed. Vocalize
your hunger, and if necessary, wake the human up. Initially,
the human will throw you outside, thinking you've received a
call from Nature. But in a week or two they will catch on and
get the food out on time.

GETTING THE RIGHT FOOD: Unfortunately modern humans are inept
at hunting, thus they purchase all their food. Generally, they
buy things in cans, bags or boxes to feed us. They should eat
this stuff. As long as you have an adequate supply of
naturally obtained food (i.e. tasty little mice) the
appropriate training regime is to walk up to the bowl of this
awful processed food, sniff at it, walk around the bowl a few
times, and then decamp to your favorite perch for a nice little
nap. A few days of this, and the human begins to feel guilty
about you starving. Eventually they will produce something
moderately edible. If, by chance, something really good turns
up, make sure you let the human know this is preferred to the
dry crunchy stuff.

NAPPING SITES: Human dwellings are just full of nice little
places to nap, such as window sills, the tops of dressers,
inside closets, under couches, whatever. Many of these places,
however, will initially be places the human thinks they have
control over. You must disabuse them of this territoriality as
soon as possible. Typically, if the human finds you in a place
they think is theirs, they will grab you and toss you. An
exciting moment of flying through the air. Go back. After a
while the human will mutter "stupid kitty," and leave you
alone.

OTHER CATS: Some humans are excessively fond of our
companionship, and thus attempt to bring more than one of us
into their home. Remember, first one inside is king (or
queen). Humans don't like the sound of our displeasure being
voiced at an intruder, but they will rarely do anything about
it. It is nice to have a few companions around, provided
the human increases the food supply.

THE LITTER BOX: Most humans are fairly conscientious about
cleaning out the litter box with adequate frequency. However,
some humans will accidentally lock us in a room, or forget to
clean the litter box often enough. We all know what we do to
the human on that occasion, don't we.

GIFTS: Humans don't think they are animals, so they don't
understand gifts. Don't bother. Keep the mouse for yourself.

EXPRESSING AFFECTION: The deal is we get a free place to live
that is dry and warm, and adequate food, in exchange for once
in a while recognizing the human exists and letting it touch
us. Humans like to hear us purr, because they think that is
our way of saying we're happy. They have no idea. Don't get
too stand-off-ish as the human will not understand, and become
anxious. A calm human is a reliable human when it comes to
dinner.

NAMING: Humans immediately give us stupid little names. If
you don't like the name, act deaf. Once they pick a name you
like, then respond. If the human is really nice to you, and
understands our language, then tell them your true name.

CONCLUSION: Humans are much easier to train, then, for
example, their stupid dogs.


Marilyn Vos Savant, who writes a weekly column in "Parade" is
said to have the world's highest IQ. People send her some of
the toughest questions you can imagine, almost all of which she
is able to answer.

Recently she ran a column of questions she's been sent that she
can't answer.

1. Is there an implied time limit on fortune cookie
predictions? If so, how long is it?

2. Nature shows on television say that when two bull moose
compete for a lady moose, the one with the smaller antlers
concedes to the other one. I can see how a moose can tell the
size of his opponent's antlers, but how does he know how big
his own are?

3. Why is it that my lipstick (any brand) doesn't last on my
lips for more than 10 minutes, but it remains on my glass even
after it has been through the dishwasher?

4. When a bank is sold, who gets all that money?

5. In all my years of watching cartoons, I have split brain
cells trying to figure out this puzzling question: How can
Donald Duck be an Uncle to Huey, Dewey and Louie, and they be
nephews to his uncles, Scrooge McDuck and Ludwig Von Drake?

6. I find it curious that there are many individuals whose
surname is Brown, Green, White, Black, Gray or Gold, but there
are virtually none whose surname is Red, Yellow, Orange, Purple
or Pink. Is there a logical reason for this?

7. I am 37 and have been washing my own clothes since I was 10.
When I throw my underpants into the machine, they come out
inside out. But if I put them in inside out, they still come
back inside out! Can you explain this?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS

The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next
week. 

Leakproof thermoses -- will. 

The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly
side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 

The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the 
argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends. 

The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that
needs to be washed or mended. 

Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate
than other clothing. 

The item your child lost, and must have for school within the
next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By
definition] 

Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters 
the treatment room. 

Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back
of the refrigerator. 

Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically 
increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and
curlers. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Fred, a lawyer, is spending his day off fishing. Like a lot of
men in their element he loses track of time until he realizes
that he's going to be late for dinner with his wife. Fred
gathers up his gear and tosses it into his fancy BMW, and then
he speeds off towards home.

As he crosses a long bridge he doesn't slow down, so naturally
he is clocked by a trooper hiding at the other end of the
bridge with a radar gun. Fred pulls over and the trooper walks
up to his vehicle.

"Got you speeding, boy. Get out yo' license and let me see a
registration." says the trooper. "Sorry, officer. I'm late
getting home to my wife." Fred respectfully pleads. 

"That's your problem, boy." The trooper then notices what a
nice car Fred has. He asks Fred what he does. 

"I'm a rectum stretcher." "What the hell is a rectum
stretcher?" asks the trooper. "Well...what I do is insert
several fingers into the rectum. I pull until I can insert my
hands, then I use tools to stretch the ass about six feet."

Intrigued, the trooper blurts "What the hell do you do with a
six foot asshole?" Without missing a beat, Fred smiles and
says,"You give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a
bridge!"


Joe is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be or
else it won't start.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any
since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Joe sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody
is saying a word. So Joe decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table
and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious,
her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But
still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's
father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

>From 03/30/99
It's been a while - haven't sent a joke in for some time
either! <GriN!>

35 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

01. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with rollerblades, they can ignite.
02. A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
03. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing
poundpuppy underwear and a superman cape.
04. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
05. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
06. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is
on.
07. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the
ball up a few times before you get a hit.
08. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
09. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
10. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's
already too late.
11. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
12. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the
movies.
13. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast
day.
14. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball
shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000
square foot house 4 inches deep.
16. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year
old.
17. Duplos will not.
18. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.
19. Super glue is forever.
20. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
21. Ditto Tarzan.
22. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
23. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
24. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
25. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
26. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
27. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
28. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
29. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
30. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute
response time.
31. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
worms dizzy.
32. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
33. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
34. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
35. A good sense of humour will get you through most problems
in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Craig... honey... maybe you should check out the following sponsor,
it might help speed up your recovery, or at least help ya come outta
that closet! :p

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

>From 03/30/99
Feeling good (...happy B-Day to me!...) so here's another...

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for
you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give
you two weeks to a month."

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character, managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son
who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate
when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so
well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and
I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub
and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the
Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them
that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their
condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion... "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying
from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying
from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want
any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

>From 04/07/99
Some more for you that came my way today...

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up
some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car
with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both
hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been
shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains
in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands
from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda
had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury
biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out
what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and
came to her aid.

...And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

>From 04/07/99

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. 
The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here
for?"

The second kid said, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake
up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of
cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!"

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom
Americans pay taxes on their salary)

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a row down
the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the
envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right
way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to
remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on
the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry
before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't
open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three
party check.

On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you
owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an
amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty
forms.

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read
and stamped regardless of what it is or what its about.

Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on
the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single
EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than
regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that
they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and
deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to
your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or
the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and
then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with
the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Bisexual men are easy to please, since they like girls as well
as the next guy.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ears?

He answered the stapler.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Some new billboards are getting some attention here in Dallas.
I've noticed one or two of these, but the newspaper listed all
of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks"
billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with
white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is
included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and... -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

Don't make me come down there. -God 



A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot
on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her
work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to
her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot
again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said
that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied,"That's not good," and promised he
wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the
parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age:

At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 50, success is about career and family
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants





These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given
out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in
Central and South America... In Spanish, "No va" means "it
doesn't go"

The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got
Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was
soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation
read "Are you lactating?"

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not
too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures
on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name
of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la
papa).

Pepsi's "Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into
Chinese reads as "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the
Grave."

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela,"
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax, "depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole,"
translating to "happiness in the mouth."

Frank Perdues' chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and
embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar"
(to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't
leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."


There was a cat and a cockrel walking along the road. The
cockrel was very upset and nothing his friend could say would
cheer him up. 

"I know," said the cat, "if you jump over that wall,
I promise there will be a montain of grain that you can eat
until your heart's content!"

The cockrel was a little dubious, but thought 'what the hell,
it's worth a try!' And so he jumped over the wall and to his
delight the cat was right and he ate all the corn that he
could. He was now very happy, as he walked along the road with
his friend. He wanted to thank her and so said, "I know, if you
jump over the wall, there will be hundreds of mice running
around for you to catch!"

Again the cat wasn't sure, but thought it was worth a try and
so jumped over the wall, only to land in a puddle of water.

The moral of the story: Wherever there is a satisfied cock,
there will be a wet pussy!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming
at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says
to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner
that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with
just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and
every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their
little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically
going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to
do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to
himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet
you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not
just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my
head."

The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A wedding story. . . . 
As only a child could do... 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. 
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side
and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his
hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR,
step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the
time he reached the pulpit. 

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. 

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I
was being the Ring Bear..." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200
MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic
8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just
expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the
driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim
it's the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just
"lock-up" for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would
have lots'a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5
extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue
to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would
take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only
place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from
driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples
AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more
and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would
wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to
marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger
than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would
claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say,
"Good-Bye."


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
a felony trial--it went like this: 

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the 
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called 
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? 
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you 
have a locker room in the police station--a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? 
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW
OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock
your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through
that room.



A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream could be heard
coming from the men's room. About sixty seconds go by and
another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender rushes to the men's room to investigate...
He yells through the door at the drunk, "What's all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

The drunk shouts back at the bartender, "I'm just sitting on
the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up
and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the
following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes
professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.


OREO PSYCHO-PERSONALITY TEST

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people
eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their
personalities.

Choose which method best describes your favorite method of
eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each
bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.


Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be
with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You
are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with
their children.

2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who
eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you
lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're
very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others.
Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the
speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly.
You always have a million things to do and never enough time
to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your
family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like
to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad
situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the
shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards
narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not
always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the
evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when
things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit
deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take
what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy,
selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be
ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got
yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional
medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice
things and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular
and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things
have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.


Yes, It's That Time of Year Again...
Time to Fertilize!

This letter is being sent to you since we know you are 
critically interested in your front lawn and the spring
season will soon be on us. This is a fertilizer club 
and it will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of
this letter go to the address at the top of the list and shit 
on the front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so 
don't feel embarrassed.

Then make five (5) copies of this letter and send it to five
(5) of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not
get any cash or checks, but within one week, if this chain is
not broken, there will 9,126 people shitting on your front
lawn. Your reward will come next summer when you have the 
greenest front lawn in your neighborhood.

Mr. Hugh Janus
14 Poopie Park

Mrs. Lucy Bowels
20 Bed Pan Cover

Mr. and Mrs. Charles Syringe
2 Suppository Drive

Mrs.Pyle O. Crap
1422 Enema Street

Mrs. and Mrs. Tooka Frizzick
343 Running Loose Road

Mrs. and Mrs. Smelly B. Hind
476 Diarrhea Way

Mrs. and Mrs. C. Howie Farts
89 Rectum Road

Mrs. and Mrs. A. Bigger Movement
276 Fertilizer Way

PS--If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. 
Do NOT break this chain. One man didn't give a shit and 
lost his entire front lawn.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you:

a) go to lunch ~or~
b) read the paper? 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Q: What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones ?
A: Mobile phones are for assholes.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Evidence Your Favorite Cartoon Characters Are Gay

Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team:
"Twinkle-toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends
"...we'll have a gay old time!" wears an orange dress with
little Triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than
Wilma.

Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser
in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on
a top hat & tails and sing Broadway show-tunes with his buddy
Daffy - who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.

Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though
he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances.
Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best
friend named Wimpy.

Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real
name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They
like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not
dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of
football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out
with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes.
Nickname: Sir.

The Pink Panther: 'Nuff said


Young Father O'Reilly, newly ordained, was to hear his first
confessions. Anxious to get his ministry off on the right
foot, he asked the experienced Father McMartin to sit in and
critique his handling of the assignment.

At the end of the day the two clergymen sat in the rectory and
reviewed O'Reilly's performance.

"Not bad," McMartin said, with a catch in hi voice. Weighing
his words with care, he went on, "But there is one thing. In
the future, I think you should make an effort to say 'I
understand' instead of 'OH, WOW!' 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

All New List of Words That Don't Exist But Should

ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

BEELZEBUG (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

BOZONE (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

CASHTRATION (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

CATERPALLOR (n.) The color you turn after finding half a
grub in the fruit you're eating.

DECAFLON (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

DOPELAR EFFECT (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when you come at them rapidly.

EXTRATERRESTAURANT (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an ET-ry.

FAUNACATED (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment
is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a
meal of many species.

FOREPLOY (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about
yourself that leads to sex.

GRANTARTICA (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies
dwell without funding.

HEMAGLOBE (n.) The bloody state of the world.

INTAXICATION (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

KINSTIRPATION (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who
come to visit.

LULLABUOY (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
prevents you from drifting off to sleep.


TAXPAYER'S LAMENT

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas;
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

This was the new 1040EZ Form I submitted this year:

1040 EZ TAX FORM
________________

1. How much money did you make? $_________


2. Send it to us. TOTAL $_________


U.S. Gov't. Form 8765309

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>





UPDATE ON CLASSIC SONGS

NOTE FROM CHRIS: Ever wonder how classic rock songs would
change if the artists decided to re-do them, updating the title
to reflect their current lives? We did...

The Top Song Titles if the Artists Re-Made Them Today

41> Bobby Darrin -- "Dr. Mack the Knife, Joint Replacement
Specialist"

40> John Mellencamp -- "R-O-C-K in the I.C.U."

39> Prince -- "Raspberry Beret (and Matching Thong)"

38> Survivor -- "The Ice of the Tiger Balm"

37> The Buggles -- "RealVideo killed the Radio Star"

36> Alice Cooper -- "School's Out, of Ammo"

35> Bonnie Tyler -- "Total Eclipse of My Career"

34> Elvis Costello -- "(What's So Funny, 'Bout) Peace, Love &
Rheumatism?"

33> Madonna -- "Like a Soccer Mom"

32> The Beach Boys -- "Fun, Fun-- Ouch! My Hip!"

31> The Beach Boys -- "Help Me Up, Rhonda"

30> The Beach Boys -- "Kosovo"

29> The Beatles -- "Help! I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!"

28> The Beatles -- "I Want to Hold Your Hand, but Only with
Your Clearly Expressed Permission"

27> The Beatles -- "If I Fell and Broke My Hip"

26> The Beatles -- "Now I'm Sixty-Four"

25> The Beatles -- "Twist (the Childproof Cap) and Shout (When
It Doesn't Budge)"

24> The Beatles -- "Why Don't We Do It In The Craftmatic
Adjustable Bed"

23> The Eagles -- "Pantsful, Queasy Feeling"

22> The Eagles -- "Bed and Breakfast California"

21> The Eagles -- "Passed in the Right Lane"

20> Van Halen -- "Limp!"

19> Aretha Franklin -- "D-E-P-E-N-D-S"

18> Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young -- "Suite: Betty Ford
Clinic"

17> The Rolling Stones -- "(I Can't Get No) Satisfactory
Erection"

16> The Rolling Stones -- "I Can't Give No Satisfaction"

15> The Rolling Stones -- "Limping Jack Flab"

14> The Rolling Stones -- "Hey! You kids! Get off of my cloud!"

13> The Who -- "(Talkin' 'Bout) My Operation"

12> The Who -- "My Degeneration"

11> Rod Stewart -- "Tonight's The Night (If The Viagra's
Alright)"

10> Led Zeppelin -- "Dazed, Confused, and Wearing Adult Diapers

9> Led Zeppelin -- "Chairlift To Heaven"

8> Three Dog Night -- "Jeremiah was a Bud Frog..."

7> James Brown -- "Papa's Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag"

6> Elton John -- "Saturday Night's All Right For Bingo"

5> Elton John -- "Saturday Afternoon Nap Is Alright With Me"

4> Elton John -- "Your Song (Even Though it Launched ME Towards
a Billion Dollar Career)"

3> Edwin Starr -- "Limited Engagement With No Clear Exit
Strategy! What Is It Good For?!"

2> Yes -- "Owner of a Bypassed Heart"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song Title if the Artist Re-Made It
Today...

1> Men at Work -- "Why Can't I Pee Now?"


If Men Were In Charge Of Weddings...

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a 
"Rehearsal Dinner."

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and 
halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike 
shoes would have matching team colors. 

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball 
play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit 
that forsaking all others" part.

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 
Charger or some other Mopar muscle car with racing tires and 
flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were 
really old) would get punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best 
Man."

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at
half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive 
compared to the cost of the bachelor party. (Those strippers 
and all that alcohol sure add up!)

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The 
burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab 
extras from their local pub or tavern.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free 
drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be
form-fitted to her butt.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be 
a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of 
bar-b-que.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they 
would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it 
could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous 
funeral or something.

19. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is
getting the ol' ball and chain. He's getting married.

He either: 

A) knocked her up; B) couldn't get a different roommate; or 
C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will 
cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Texas 
Stadium On the 50 Yard Line at half-time during Sunday's 
Game. Please join us at the Clubhouse after the game For 
beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.



...Then there were the newlyweds who left the reception early
so they could put their 'things' together.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Dating the first southern girl he'd ever known, the Yankee was
surprised when she greeted him at the door in the lowest-cut
gown he'd ever seen.

"Th-that's a lovely dress," he stuttered, his eyes on her ample
bosom.

"Sho' nuff." she replied.

To which he answered, "Sure does!"

"Do you think it's too low cut?" she asked.

"I d-d-dunno... do you have hair on your chest?"

"Certainly not!" she indignantly responded.

"Then I g-guess it's too low cut."





PUNY Riddles of the Week 

156. When God was creating the world, what famous actor got the
subcontract to manufacture no less than 999,999 crustacean
cases with which to litter the earth's beaches?

157 What city residents might make the best astronauts?

158. What is the favorite song of a young country boy who heads
for the big city, seeking to reap great profit by working for a
national computer company?

159. Why shouldn't you visit a doctor if you have had a stuffy
nose for half a fortnight?

160. What do female legumes & sweet potatoes experience every
month that makes them so irritable?

Movie of the Week 7: Kevin Costner stars as the young V.P
Quayle during his college days, when the frat brat went out in
his long johns and scarf to do some Xmas caroling, in: _______

Book of the Week 5: Hilton's novel about the resurrection of a 
fallen woman.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

156. Makes a million shells (By Gary Hallock) 

157. Seattle-ites (By Lars Hanson) 

158. Farmer in the Dell (By David Bunch) 

159. Because it is only one week old. (one wee cold)
(By Stan Kegel) 

160. Pea Yam Ess (By Gary Hallock) 

Movie of the Week 7: Dan Sings With Wools (By Guy Ben-Moshe) 

Book of the Week 5: Lost Whore Risin' (By Stan Kegel)


Great T-Shirt Sayings for Women:

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the
bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is?

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name... you'll be screaming it later.

You know you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: i can talk and piss you off at the same
time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs.
Any questions?

You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things things that happen to good people. 

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.




Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we don't shave our legs
for four weeks and then stuff them into pantyhose.
--Elizabeth McLeod

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted
one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily
baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table
and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie
sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his
favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a
spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral!" she replied.



A mother caught her 6 year-old son feeling around up a
manequin's skirt in a clothing store. Scolding him, she said
"Don't you know women have teeth down there?" 

This little boy grew up thinking that women had teeth between
their legs. One night he and his first girlfriend were fooling
around on the couch, and things were starting to get hot. But
he didn't dare go "down there" for fear of being bitten. 

Finally the girl became frustrated, and asked him why he
wouldn't go further. He told her, and she swore that she had
no teeth there. But he wouldn't believe her. She moved all
around, trying to get him to touch her, but to no avail. 

Finally she removed her panties and put her legs behind her
head to show him. He nodded his head and exclaimed "That
explains it! With gums like that, no wonder you have no
teeth."


TO: Trojan Army Listserv < Trojans-L@troy.org
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please
distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,

Laocoon



WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO
NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will
overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two
stories tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be
abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is
incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of
heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army,
sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have
already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back
out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes
there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on
other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was
supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do
with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few
tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" junk.
If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army,
why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians,
and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his
problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't
he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed
address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to
overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal,
after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I
appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the
block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of
stuff is.

Bye now,
Hector



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Three duffers were taking golf lessons from a pro. The first hit the
ball way to the right. 

The pro said, "It's due to LOFT."

The second hit way to the left. The pro again said, "It's due to LOFT.

The third tried and the ball just went a few feet and stopped. 

The pro said, "LOFT."

All three questioned the pro about LOFT.

He replied: "Lack Of Fucking Talent." 



PICK UP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your
hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like
a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by
morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or 
fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with
your face.
6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it
came from.
7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's
go fuck.
9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap
that ass!
10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was
Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether
to mount you or eat you!
12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I =3D 69?
15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth
open, and I'll give you the meat.


"Do You Need Help???"

Hello. 

Yes, you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. 
You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror
lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? 

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is
concerned about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics
Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of
recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and 
counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope
with your problem. 

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases,
interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are
never "cured," you most certainly can recover. 

We have designed a brief checklist to determine IF you are an
addict. 

Do you: 

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal? 
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day? 
3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping? 
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online? 
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only
to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company
you'll never do business with anyway? 
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal
preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head? 
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd
usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome? 
9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box? 
10) All of the above? 

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10),
you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous
at: 

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORSWEETJESUSSAKES. 

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step
to recovery is admission that you have a problem. 

Call us today. 
If you can power off to free up your phone line, that is.



<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Warren came home after a late-night poker game and was greeted
by his nagging, sourpussed wife.

"And just where have you been all night?"

"Playing cards," he said, "but that's not important. What
matters is that I lost you to Roger Kirkpatrick."

"Lost Me!!" she screamed. "How did you manage that?!"

"It was a heartbreaker," he admitted. "I had to fold with a
royal flush."


A brothel in the outback is going about its daily business,
when the front door is kicked down by a huge cattle man armed
with a giant stockwhip. He cracks the whip, and shouts out,
"Thunder, Lightning !! I want a woman !!" 

The madam of the house, who is a seasoned professional, says in
an unperturbed manner, "Upstairs, second door on the left,
leave $ 50.00 here." Which he does. 

Upon entering the second door on the left, he sees the woman of
questionable virtue lying in a voluptuous manner upon an ornate
bed. She rises slowly , and begins to sashay her way across the
room. She doesn't get far. The big cattle man pushes her down
on the bed, cracks his giant stockwhip, taking off one of her
earrings, and exclaims in a loud voice, "Thunder! I want a
woman !!" 

The woman is stunned by the sudden turn of events. Before she
can say anything, he turns to the light switch flicking it up
and down. "Lightning !!" he cries, then he blasts off the other
earring of the woman with a well placed crack of the whip.
"Thunder !! I want a woman !!!" 

The woman is nearly deaf, and tries to compose herself.
Suddenly the cattleman turns on the ceiling fan, and cries "
Wind !!!" Ticky , ticky, ticky goes the light switch.
"Lightning" cries the cattleman, and with his stockwhip, blasts
off some of her garments. "Thunder ...I want a woman." 

He switches the fan onto a higher setting, and cries, "Storm
!!!" He plays with the light switch again screaming, "Lightning
!" and with several more cracks of the old bull whip deftly
removes her remaining outer garments. Her flimsy underwear
struggles to contain bulging female bits. 

The cattleman is now getting quite worked up. He turns the fan
on to full, screaming "Tempest !!" and drops his trousers and
proceeds to urinate copiously all over the hapless woman. 

"Torrential Rain !!! " screams the cattleman, and once again
plays with the light switch. 

"Lightning" screams the cattl man, and with his stockwhip
blasts her brassiere down the middle. Two well formed breasts
lunge out. "Thunder!!... I WANT A WOMAN!" 

The woman of questionable virtue is now very aroused by all
this and she cries out, "Go on then, you big brute, take me !!" 

And he says, "What? In this weather??" 


GEORGE CARLINISMS

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they
be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more
of what they already know we don't have any of?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia,
would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in
"anagram"?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it; but when I wind up a
project, I end it?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese
person be called a Portugoose?

Why is a procrastinator's work never done?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked
and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell
you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather
because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle
gangs?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people
from Holland called "Holes?"



A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of
fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your
office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell
and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see
me next week." The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me,
but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance
Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye.
W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you
with my supervisor . . ."



U.S. STATE MOTTOS

ALABAMA: At least We aint Mississippi
ALASKA: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
ARIZONA: But It's a Dry Heat
ARKANSAS: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
CALIFORNIA: As Seen on TV
COLORADO: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
CONNECTICUT: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character
DELAWARE: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
FLORIDA: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
GEORGIA: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
HAWAII: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
IDAHO: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not, But
The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
ILLINOIS: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
INDIANA: Tidal Wave Free for 2 Billion Years And Counting...
IOWA: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
KANSAS: First Of The Rectangle States
KENTUCKY: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
LOUISIANA: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
MAINE: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
MARYLAND: A Thinking Man's Delaware
MASSACHUSETTS: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
MICHIGAN: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
MINNESOTA: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"
MISSISSIPPI: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
MISSOURI: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
MONTANA: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies, and Very Little Else
NEBRASKA: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
NEVADA: Whores and Poker!
NEW HAMPSHIRE: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
NEW JERSEY: You Want a %!*%$ Motto? I Got Yer &%$@$ Motto
Right Here!
NEW MEXICO: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
NEW YORK: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
Right to an Attorney...
NORTH CAROLINA: Tobacco is a Vegetable
NORTH DAKOTA: We Really are One of the 50 States!
OHIO: We Wish We Were In Michigan
OKLAHOMA: Like the Play, only No Singing
OREGON: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
PENNSYLVANIA: Cook With Coal
RHODE ISLAND: We're Not REALLY An Island
SOUTH CAROLINA: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender
SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer Than North Dakota
TENNESSEE: The Educashun State
TEXAS: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
UTAH: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
VERMONT: Yep
VIRGINIA: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Mix?
WASHINGTON: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
WASHINGTON, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
WEST VIRGINIA: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
WISCONSIN: Come Cut Our Cheese
WYOMING: Wynot?


There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself
and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit,
he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit,
"Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit. 

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on
here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then
you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports
car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So
I say sure, why not?"

He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have
lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! 
He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up
speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the
road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm
pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right,
a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our
ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I
figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn
to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll
give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!" ...*SPIT* 


A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with
an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio
telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the 
corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to
his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a
bus stop."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Did you hear that President Clinton has started to smoke a pipe?
He thinks cigars are for pussies.


An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee.
He announces that he has decided on names for them all as they
are all coming of age and have passed the required tests. The
Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and
passes the peace pipe around. 

'Son number one - you shall be known as......' 

Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be
called?' 

The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' 

The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall be known as
Eagle' 

Son number one asks why. 

'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no
others - the elders agree.' 

The peace pipe is passed to son number two. 

Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be
called?' 

Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' 

The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as
Swallow.' 

Son number two asks why. 

Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be
called?' 

The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.' 

The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you
will be swift and silent - surprising your enemy in battle -
the elders agree.' 

The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three - you shall
be known as Thrush.' 

Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?' 

'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'. 


BURMA SHAVE SIGNS

Passing cars
When you can't see
May get you
A glimpse
Of eternity
Burma-Shave


Said farmer Brown
Who's bald
On top
Wish I could
Rotate the crop
Burma-Shave


Drinking drivers--
Nothing worse
They put
The quart
Before the hearse
Burma-Shave


Paper hangers
With the hives
Now can
Shave with
Carving knives
Burma-Shave


The midnight ride
Of Paul
For beer
Led to a
Warmer hemisphere
Burma-Shave


At school zones
Heed instructions!
Protect
our little
Tax deductions
Burma-Shave


Within this vale
Of toil
And sin
Your head grows bald
But not your chin--use
Burma-Shave


The boy who gets
His girl's applause
Must act
Not look
Like Santa Claus
Burma-Shave


Grandpa's
Out with
Junior's date
Old technique
With brand new bait
Burma-Shave


That she
Could cook
He had his doubts
Until she creamed
His bristle sprouts with
Burma-Shave


Why does a chicken
Cross the street?
She sees a guy
She'd like to meet
He uses
Burma-Shave


Prickly pears
Are picked
For pickles
No peach picks
A face that prickles
Burma-Shave


He's the boy
The gals forgot
His line
Was smooth
His chin was not
Burma-Shave


He married Grace
With scratchy face
He only
Got one day
Of Grace!
Burma-Shave


You know
Your onions
Lettuce suppose
This beets 'em all
Don't turnip your nose
Burma-Shave


I just joined
The young man said
A nudist camp
Is my face red?
No! I use
Burma-Shave



What's the best thing to come out of a penis?

The Wrinkles.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking
at the cards, picking one up, reading it, shaking her head,
"No." Replacing it, selecting another, repeating the process.

Finally, a clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" 

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I 
laughed at your dick' cards?" 


The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on
multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea
to ask a few of the children examples of words with more
than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks
Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four
syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large
the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your
four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a
mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'BlowJob', and that's only two
syllables."


DARWIN AWARD NOMINEES

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead after he tried to use
occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each
end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police
said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A. Barcia,
a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the
pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The
length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael
said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major
trauma." 


CATCH!

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you
may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a Darwin
Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch
with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here.
The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was
hospitalized.



LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming fourth
of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some
fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad
and seating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand
gallon fuel distillation storage tank.

Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball
seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt,
countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead
250 yards from their respective seats.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...

A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the
fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our
friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum
bass boat and his buddies were in the front.

This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion
style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!"
Needless to say, God delivered [well, wouldn't you?]. The
other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to
have immediately joined the Ministry.


THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he
qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by his cell phone, more or less. He was
doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a
tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in
mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same
time.


GIMME A LIGHT!

Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a
medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak.
Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing
all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After
the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they
found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.

To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas
in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had
never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

The official Darwin Awards Web Site:
http://www.darwinawards.com


Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia: 
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress today, President
Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the
war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its
kind in American history, will provide the region with the
critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally
stand up and say, "Enough."

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port
cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first
recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500
24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force
Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the
cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of
the vowels.

"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg
Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has
an intelligible name.

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to
a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year,
the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities
like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving
supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort
failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were
intercepted and horded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Author Unknown


A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dads do for
a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the
bad guys in jail." 

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick
people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except
Little Johnny.

The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" 

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." 

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Little Johnny's father asks him just what he thought he did
to earn a weekly allowance.

"Well, for one thing," replied Little Johnny, "I keep your wife
occupied all day."


USEFUL METRIC CONVERSIONS

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

10 rations = 1 decoration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms


An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd
and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she
realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began
interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of
the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal
integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr.
Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen
thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny
the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive... And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for
the money."


A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his
parked car has been bashed in. Spying a slip of paper under
the windshield wiper, he slipped it out and read it...

"As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching
me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, 
and insurance company. But I'm not."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Hear about the new slogan for Clairol Hair Color?
Buy a double batch. Make a snatch to match.


A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and
set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat,
and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. 
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to
purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to
split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." 

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."


ASSHOLE STORY

I can't remeber where I got this one but I am sure that
everyone will enjoy this one:

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you
just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day
out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T
know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a
phone call I had to make. I found the number, and dialed it. 
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This
is Patrick Hanifin, and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number, and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled
"You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a
jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This
is the sales office of the telephone company, and I'm just
calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" 
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called
him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show
you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can
do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of
the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. 
Finally, her car began to move, and she started to very slowly
back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving. 

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking
aisle in the wrong direction, and pulled into her space. I
started honking my horn, and yelling, "You can't just do that,
Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "this guy's a
jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world."

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place
to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my
desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863,
and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him
now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the
phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk,
and thought I better call this guy too.

He answered the phone, and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the
man with the black Camaro for sale?" 
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and
the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I
hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a
while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had
a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several
months of calling the jackasses, and hanging up on them, it
just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some serious thought, and came up with a solution: 

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone, and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my
gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to
Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. 
After that I climbed into my car, and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each
other in front of 6 squad cars, and a police helicopter was one
of the greatest experiences of my life!


** The timing on this couldn't have been better. Just prior to
my receiving this story from Chris and Sheila, I received the
next message. Unfortunately, I only have an email address for
this 'Jackass'. I'll spare you my 3 word reply. Maybe you all
can come up with something more creative. *baeg*
~BGH



AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?

If you can start the day without a cigarette,
If you can start the day without caffeine, 
If you can get going without pep pills, 
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles, 
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, 
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give
you any time, 
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you
when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, 
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, 
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never
correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor
friend, 
If you can face the world without lies and deceit, 
If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
If you can relax without liquor, 
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics, 

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog. 


THE AMERICAN DREAM

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock
(made in Japan), for 600 A.M. While his coffee pot (made in
Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to
work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans
(made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in
Korea).

After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet
(made in Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his
calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio
(made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in
Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good
paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe
decides to relax for a while.

He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a
glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in
Japan), and ponders again why he can't find a good paying
American job. 




Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies
for a job. 

Interviewer: Name? 
Tarzan: Me Tarzan 
Interviewer: Married? 
Tarzan: Wife Jane 
Interviewer: Children? 
Tarzan: Son Boy 
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan? 
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle 
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name 
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite.
Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly
unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to
gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils. 

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, Sir,
is some display of teamwork." 

The father replied, "I have a system;
no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." 


Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and
it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next
day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out
of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the
cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons
and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for
brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes
into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed
a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the
newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces
left on the table and put the telephone book back into the
drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and
hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed
for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note
to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip,
and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She
signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped
the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. 
She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put
on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed
her nails.

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my
way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat 
outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked
in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung
up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a
brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for 
the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added
three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced
to no one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and he did.


A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's
expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know
another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial
lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a
jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began
his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's
pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the
fellow next to him, ..."You know, a good sheep will do
that."


While interviewing a prospective candidate for an entry-level
job the Human Resource Manager of a large Fortune 500 company
stated to the job candidate:

"I see that you've had no computer training. Although that
qualifies you for upper management, it means you're
under-qualified for our entry level positions."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should
always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new
husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear,
has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."



Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian and a black kid are on
the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they
play a new game.

"Lets see who has the largest dick," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His
is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the black
kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other
two in both length and width.

The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that
thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks
him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read
out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and
I played 'Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and
I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black.
Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three"


Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm,
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When
the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying
and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out
the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bruce. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we
take the pacifier out of his ass."



The Big Gyant Mom Sends:

Ricky and his sister walked into the bank and dumped bagfuls of
change on the counter.

"My goodness!" said the teller, "did you two hoard all of
this?"

"Uh-uh" said Ricky. "My sister whored, I only pimped."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



Little Johnny got into his dad's viagra pills.
He's O.K. except for the third degree burns on his hands.


My boss's 70 year old dad told me this joke.

An old geezer gets charged with raping an 18 year old girl.
A court date is set and the old geezer gets himself a lawyer.

When the time comes to defend the old geezer, the lawyer asks
him to step in front of the court and drop his pants.

Once that's done the lawyer starts poking at the old geezer's
pecker and saying, "Look at this limp thing. He couldn't have
committed this crime." He keeps poking it & pointing out how
shriveled it is.

Finally, the old guy leans over to the lawyer and says, "You'd
better quit poking it or we're going to lose the case."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were
approaching two tampons. 

Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said
to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?" 

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up
cunts." 


WHAT MOMS *REALLY* WANT FOR MOTHER'S DAY

To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a Coke
without any "floaters".

To have my 14-year-old answer a question without rolling her
eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi
ya, Mom!" just as I put razor to my ankle.

A full-time cleaning (male) person who looks like Brad Pitt.

For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full
scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys
displayed at the checkout line.

To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily
secretions.

To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and not have
some pencil-neck-yuppie-geek moan, "Oh, no! Why me?"

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison 



In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary,
she would leave President Clinton.

In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary,
none of this would have happened in the first place."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Note to new users: Just smile, nod and keep scrolling. :p

This 'Dead Programmer' Joke is dedicated to Hanry :)

WHAT HAPPENS TO PROGRAMMERS WHEN THEY DIE?

They get deallocated,
Their values become undefined,
The get re-intialized,
Their structues break down,
They start dropping bits...
They branch to a new address,
Their social system resources are released,
They dump core.



MORE GREAT SIGNS...

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: "No jumping from the lift. 
Survivors will be prosecuted."

Official sign near door: "Door Alarmed"
Hand-printed sign nearby: "Window Frightened"

Found in a restaurant in England:
Guys: No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the
Greek): "Caution: Road Slippery from Grape Juice

A billboard seen next to the highway, traveling from
Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW
showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and
all the windows down. The caption reads: "Our hardware runs
better without WINDOWS!!!"

Two signs found on top of one another in a Country Kitchen 
several years ago:
Restrooms
<-----
Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store: "Shoplifters will be beaten over
the head with an organic carrot"

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

At a little hole in the wall restaurant: 
"Women are not served here...
You have to bring your own."


A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old
daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What do frogs say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and 
replied, "Bud, Weis, Er." 




Little Johnny's dad charges into the bathroom and finds Little
Johnny furiously masturbating. 

He starts yelling at his son "Johnny! How many times have I
told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that,
you'll go blind!" 

Little Johnny replies: "I'm over here, Dad."



Q: Why do so many brides start to get crow's feet as soon as
they are married?
A: From squinting and saying: "You want me to suck what?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"


EARLY MOVIES (pun)

In slapstick films the timing of a sonic "stunt" is of utmost
importance; say, a "bonk" sound when a "bad guy" gets hit on
the head. But in the earliest days of film making, sounds
didn't always correspond to the visual action, thus ruining the
stunt.

One famous instance concerns the first movie made of a gang of
small children, the plot involving the madcap driving of a
wooden go-cart. After numerous misadventures, the final scene
was to have the kids harmlessly falling out onto a grassy lawn,
to be accompanied by the perfectly timed sounds of various
"bonks" and "thunks".

The soundman and film editor struggled for days trying to get
the sounds and visuals to correspond, with constant attention
from the increasingly impatient director and producers. As we
all know, the problem was eventually solved, and thousands of
movies have been made using those pioneered techniques. But
looking back and expressing his worry of the time, the retired
soundman recently said, . . . "For a while I thought the tyke
antics would never sync". 


I'M STAYING ONLINE!

'I'm just gettin' on for a MINUTE'
I got up this morning, but haven't yet dressed.
My dishes aren't done, and my house is a mess.
Have not done my work, have not fed the cat,
Just on line for a second, and popped in to 'chat'.
I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex,
I think I remember... yeah, I used to have SEX!
I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair,
Tho' it causes the neighborhood children to stare.
I wanted to travel around on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to get on there yet.
I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint,
But gettin' on with them is just what I ain't!
So much to learn and I wanted to but
I'm too busy chatting and splitting a gut,
Talkin' and listenin'...is it such a sin?
Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!
Then up pops a name on my neat Buddy List,
Think I'll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from some weirdo guy
I cuss 'im, insult 'im, and tell him 'bye bye'.
Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'ly would be here online!
Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME.
It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a 'geek'.
Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
'Cause I'm staying ONLINE, at least 'til I die!


A man came home from the Social Security Office. "Honey," he
said to his wife, "I finally convinced them that I'm old enough
to collect Social Security." 

How?" his wife asked. "Since the department of records in the
small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy
of your birth certificate." 

"I know," the man replied, "I just unbuttoned my shirt and
showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them
that I'm old enough." 

His wife retorted, "Then while you were at it, why didn't you
whip out your dick and get disability, too?!" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An extremely obese man got out of the shower at the
health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've
seen your dick?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?"



When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction 
of a new wing at a hospital,
the allergists voted to scratch it; 
the dermatologists preferred no rash moves; 
the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it; 
the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein; 
the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of
nerve"; 
the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a 
misconception; 
the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; 
the orthopedists issued a joint resolution; 
the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst"; 
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"; 
the pediatricians said, "Grow up!"; 
the psychiatrists thought it was madness; 
the radiologists could see right through it; 
the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow; 
the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the
matter"; 
the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward; 
the D.O.s thought they were being manipulated; 
the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; 
the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no; 
and the otologists were deaf to the idea;
and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
whole thing.

Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't
fly!


Two For The Birds 

It seems like in 1995 or so the pollution in the atmosphere of
London has started to kill off all the rooks. And the city
government is very concerned because the rooks roosting on the
cornices and the odd little crannies of the public buildings
are a big attraction. The Yanks with their Kodaks, if you get
it. So they say, "What are we going to do?"

They get a lot of brochures from places with climates similar
to London's so they can raise the rooks until the pollution
problem is finally licked. One place with a similar climate,
but low pollution count, turns out to be Bangor, Maine. So
they put an ad in the paper soliciting bird fanciers and talk
to a bunch of guys in the trade. Finally, they engage this one
guy at the rate of $50,000 a year to raise rooks. They send an
ornithologist over on the Concorde with two cases of rook eggs
packed in these shatterproof cases - they keep the shipping
compartment constantly heated and all that stuff.

So this guy has a new business, North American Rook Farms,Inc.
He goes to work right off incubating new rooks so London will
not become a rookless city. The only thing is, the London City
Council is really impatient, and every day they send him a
telegram that says: . . .

"Bred any good rooks lately." 
~By Stephen King


Actually, Stephen King has it mixed up.


Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll
down Ragged Mountain across our fields, squirt under Route 4,
and piddle into our hay fields on the other side. My wife
spends all fall and much of the spring working on borders to
these little springs, planting bulbs, fertiziling and then
keeping the borders clear and clean, because if there's
anything she likes, . . . its to weed a good brook. 
~By Donald Hall



I used to be obsessive compulsive and type everything twice,
but now I'm ok. I used to be obsessive compulsive and type
everything twice, but now I'm ok. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A catholic priest was addressing his congregation one Sunday.
He started to speak, but instead, bellowed out a sort of
Gregorian chant, cantor like, song, in a religious sounding
monotone:
"I am the priest of the parish...I am paid $5000 a year....and
that is not enough..."

Whereupon the Bishop approaches the pulpit, clears his throat,
and also chants to the congregation in the same monotone
cantor:
"I am the bishop of the diocese...I am paid $15,000 a year...
and that is not enough..."

After this, the choir director and church organist starts to
play and sing: 
"I am the church organist and choir director of St. Mary's... I
am paid $50,000 a year... and... (up tempo) 

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS!"


Politically Correct Ways To Speak About Women

1. She is not a babe or a chick - she is a breasted-american.
2. She is not a bleached blonde - she is peroxide dependent.
3. She is not a bad cook - she is microwave compatible.
4. She is not half naked - she is wardrobe impaired.
5. She does not wear too much jewelry - she is metallically
overburdened.
6. She is not conceited - she is intimately aware of her best
qualities.
7. She does not want to be married - she wants to lock you in
domestic incarceration.
8. She does not gain weight - she is a metabolic underachiever.
9. She is not a screamer or moaner - she is vocally
appreciative.
10.She is not easy - she is horizontally accessible.
11.She does not tease or flirt - she engages in artificial
stimulation.
12.She is not dumb - she is a detour off the information
superhighway.
13.She is not too skinny - she is skeletally prominent.
14.She does not have a mustache - she is in touch with her
masculine side.
15.She does not hate televised sports - she is athletically
ignorant.
16.She has not been around - she is a previously enjoyed
companion.
17.She does not wear too much perfume - she commits fragrance
abuse.
18.She does not get you excited - she causes temporary blood
displacement.
19.She is not kinky - she is a non-inhibited sexual companion. 
20.She does not have a killer body - she is terminally
attractive.
21.She does not go shopping - she is mall fluent.
22.She is not an airhead - she is reality impaired.
23.She does not get drunk or tipsy - she gets chemically
inconvenienced.
24.She does not get fat or chubby - she achieves maximum
density.
25.She is not cold or frigid - she is thermally inaccessible.
26.She is not horny - she is sexually focused.
27.She does not wear too much makeup - she has reached cosmetic
saturation.
28.She does not have breast implants - she is gravity
resistant.
29.She does not nag you - she becomes verbally repetitive
30.she is not a slut - she is sexually extroverted.
31.She is not loose - she is morally impaired.
32.She does not have major league hooters - she is pectorally
superior.
33.She does not have thin lips - she is has a collagen
deprivation.


An Indian named Brown Elk walked into the saloon. He was a
giant of a man with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, so no
one dared ask why he was carrying a pail of manure in one hand
and a small cat in the other. 

"I'll have a whiskey," he told the bartender, and after downing
the shot Brown Elk ordered another. Then another. Finally,
after his fourth drink, the Indian pulled out his revolver,
fired several shots into the bucket, released the cat, then ran
after it. When he caught it, he returned to the bar.

"E-excuse me," said the alarmed bartender, serving him a drink
on the house, "but would you mind telling me what that was all
about?"

"My father told me to try and be more like white man," he
answered. "So, I came here to have a few drinks, shoot the
shit and chase a little pussy."



I sure do miss my ex-boyfriend. He had asthma.
He could only catch his breath in snatches. *baeg*

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The teacher asked the class, "If a dog is happy, it wags it's
tail. What does a goose do?"

Little Johnny blurted, "Piss the dog off?"


After the recent anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently
compared the software market with the soft drink market. He
says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage
giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice
doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to
give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the
following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
That'll be $3.99.

Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.

Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.

Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.

Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative.
It's got integrated Coke!

Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not
going to drink the Coke.

Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.

Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated.
inseparable.

Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!

Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke)

Joe: Why did you just do that?!

Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up
with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're
assured of a continuous taste across all your foods.


A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of
people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation
he puts "themed party - come as a human emotion."

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens
the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N
and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy "Wow, great
outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm
green with envy." The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and
have a drink." 

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens
the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a
feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to
this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And she replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it,
come on in and join the party." 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time
and the host opens the door to see two Pakistani guys, stark
naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the
other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really
shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you
look like? You could get arrested for standing like that out
here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" 

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my
friend has come in despair." 


The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must
have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien
Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put
your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100
other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you
will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until
entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!



MORE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES & ADS: 

Fathers day sale: Tampax Tampons $5.99 

One man, Seven woman hot tub -- $850/offer 

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. 

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days. 

Free puppies...part German Shepherd; part dog.

Two wire mesh butchering gloves, One 5-finger, One 3-finger,
pair: $15 

Tickle Me Elmo Doll. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700 

Black face cows, calves...also 1 gay bull for sale. 

'83 Toyota hunchback...$2000 

Valentines Day Sale: ty-d-bol blue toss-ins 

Do something special for your valentine...have your septic tank
pumped. 

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel...1/2 sneaky neighbor dog.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog. 

Soft and genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents 

German shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. 

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine
smell. 

Free 1 can of pork and beans with purchase of 3 Bedroom 2 bath
home. 

For sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50 

Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue -- boneless 

Nordic track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at: 

Bill's septic cleaning - 'we haul American made products' 

Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks

Hummels - largest selection ever - 'if it's in stock, we have
it!' 

Get a Little John - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles
of beer. 

President's Choice - cow manure - Two 33 lb bags - $5 

Harrisburg postal employees gun club 

Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

For rent - vibrator - well used 

Cute kitten for sale, Two cents or best offer 

Whirlpool built in oven -- frost free! 

Barbie country ride -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the
bike). 

'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles 

Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat. 

Frozen soft and gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents 

American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100 

Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home. 

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out
awhile...better be a reward. 

The most romantic love songs of the '50s: including '16 tons'
by Tennessee Ernie Ford 

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer - $300.

Lawyer says client is not that guilty. 

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.

Exercise equipment queen size mattress and box spring - $175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian
leather. 

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? 
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour. 

Tickle Me Elmo Doll, still in box, comes with it's own 1988
mustang, auto, excellent condition $6800


Moms and Understanding Computers:

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether
Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always
"Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?"
I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I
heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or 
hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling
me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving
parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner
indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's
snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
processing:

"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to
make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand
because you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday
party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with
each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one
leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number
and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the
washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy
engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical
pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able
to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single
envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of
blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number 
of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever
she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her
purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving
the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a
whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put
the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the
napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order
at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people,
and so He created mothers. That is the difference between
centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever
misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in
the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area
network of distributed processors that can't be beat.

~Author Unknown



What did Spock find in the executive head on the Starship Enterprise?
The captain's log.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.


REJECTED MOTHER'S DAY CARDS

We hate the day care lady, Mom,
gray hair sprouts from each ear.
Won't you keep us home with you,
and ditch that damned career?


Here's a little bottle,
for you on Mother's Day.
You certainly do drink a lot
since Daddy went away. 


I want to be just like you, Mom,
so pretty and full of class.
So I, too, will bed the president,
and then I'll sue his ass.


Show you love me, Mother,
though I made a bad decision.
Steal a semi, ram the fence,
and break me out of prison.


I was a happy little girl,
now all I do is cry.
You caused all my neuroses, Mom --
you raised me as a *guy.*


There once was a mother named Mom,
Who had a great son, named Tom.
He sent flowers her way,
For each Mother's Day.
So can you loan me a grand?


What is a mother?
Soother of boo-boos,
Singer of lullabies,
Confidant, 
Friend...
Yeah, yeah, yeah -- Here's your plant, I'm double-parked.


I got my dad's eyes, and my grandma's class,
But thanks to YOU, Mom, I've a double-wide ass.


Happy Mormon Mother's Day!
You've earned a day of rest.
Of all my many mommies,
you're the one I love the best.


I made this picture with lots of love,
some tape, some glitter and glue.
So get off my case about a job --
I'm only thirty-two.


You nursed me, Mom, & gave to me your swelling naked breast.
I suckled there, I drank my fill, you never got a rest.
And now that it's been thirty years, I have but one request:
I think it's time you weaned me, Ma, my head is rather messed.


Roses are red, violets are blue,
Ellen is gay, and guess what? I am too!


Dear Mom, you've always helped me out.
I wish that I'd helped YOU.
But if I'd lied while on the stand,
I'd be in prison, too!


My inheritance money you're wastin'
Living life in extravagant style.
So today, red-hot lead you'll be tastin'
Like the mother of Erik and Lyle.


Happy Mother's Day to the best Mom.
As a parent, well, you are Da Bomb.
I don't mind that you boss me,
'Cause you didn't toss me
In the bathroom at your Senior Prom. 




<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

New Square Dance:

Up With The Petticoat,
Down With The Pants.
In With The Pecker,
Everybody Dance.

Girls With Rags On,
Up Against The Walls.
Guys With A Hard On,
Promenade The Halls.

Girls Grab Your Partners
Firmly By The Balls.
Drag Him Down The 
Length Of The Halls.

Make Him Holler,
Make Him Shout.
Put Your Pretty Ass
Up Against His Snout

First Lady Go
Second Lady Pass
Third Lady's Finger
Up The Fourth Guy's Ass

Finger Out
Promenade The Halls
Now Release The 
Poor Guy's Balls

Then Down With The Petticoat
Up With The Pants
This Is The End Of
The New Square Dance!



Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?

A: Karate is a method of self-defense, and Judo is what bagels
are made of.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Q: Which is more profitable, a one-story whorehouse or a
two-story whorehouse? 

A: A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fucking overhead.




PRIMORDIAL POKER:

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite? 
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you. 
<Order> Huh? 
<Evil> Don't let him bug ya'. We're here. 
<Truth> My opposite is not here. 
<Good> Is your opposite "Lies"? 
<Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it. 
<Evil> >snicker< Figures! 
<Order> Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six! 
<Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh! 
<Good> I have the cards. 
<Evil> I've got the chips. 
<Truth> I have the beer. 
<Chaos> I have the cards! 
<Order> Shut up.
...
<Order> Whose deal is it? 
<Evil> Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time? 
<Truth> It is Good's deal. 
<Good> OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild. 
<Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild? 
<Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if... 
<Order> I like this game. 
<Evil> This is pointless. 
<Truth> It is time to deal. 
<Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth. 
<Truth> Five. 
<Order> Five and raise you five. 
<Evil> Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet! 
<Order> I like ten better. 
<Evil> >sigh< Call. 
<Chaos> I fold. 
<Evil> YOU CAN'T LOSE! 
<Chaos> I still fold. 
<Good> OK, I'll call. How many, Truth? 
<Evil> What's the point in taking more cards? 
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have. 
<Order> I will take two. 
<Evil> Why?!? 
<Order> I didn't like those. 
<Evil> None for me. 
<Chaos> I'll take six. 
<Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets? 
<Evil> Oh, just get this over with. 
<Order> But now we have to bet! 
<Evil> Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back! 
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five 
aces. 
<Order> I have five ace of spades. 
<Chaos> I have a three. 
<Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win. 
<Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep. 
<Good> Where did you get that card? 
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos. 
<Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine. 
<Good> That was a stupid game. 
<Order> Whose deal is it? 
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals. 
<Chaos> Whee! 
<all but Chaos> >groan< 
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings 
wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens 
don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing... 
<Order> I fold...


I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


TRUE LOVE

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!


Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet),
or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), etc. Consequently, 
people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right
back 
to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do
but 
give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? 
Or is there a thin *groan* hope?

Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to
see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass
of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
a half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be
eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and
put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup
of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Tube of mascara for dessert.


IF DEAR ABBY WERE A MAN

Dear Abby: 

Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm
afraid he will not be faithful. 

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven
to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by
having a few other women, your partner is really increasing
his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention
this aspect of his behavior. 

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. 

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night
out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how 
emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable
home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior. 

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me
and my sister. 

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get
enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your
sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the
family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you
are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives,
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal
and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with
him. 

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep
your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly,
a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with
him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a
man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank
him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal. 

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. 

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family
budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this,
and to sell it on the Internet. To ease your selfish guilt,
buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a
delicious meal. 

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love we have
no time to talk. 

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he
needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard
work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop
putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal. 

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. 

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you
that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the
'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him
a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. 

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. 

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that
you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to
work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this
area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive
present, and cooking a nice meal. 

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. 

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant,
man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't
mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a
nice expensive present... and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal. 



A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of
them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey
passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them,
she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have
them stuffed. 

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you
want them mounted?" 

Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on
a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I
couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the
movie. 

He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at
the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the
funny parts. Don't find it unusual?" 

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. 
He hated the book!"


Dental Hygiene 

On a distant planet , the dominant population was obsessed with
dental hygiene due to the fact that they had three complete
receding sets of mandibles.

They were so concerned with maintaining their teeth, that the
custom was to floss several times a day. To achieve this goal,
they grew a floss plant from which the fibers were extracted to
make the necessary product.

Being a scientifically advanced species especially in the area
of genetics, they developed a sub-species of workers by using
their own genetic print as a starting point. These clones were
specifically designed to harvest the plants, but were deficient
in other areas such as intelligence.

As long as they were supervised, they did a good job. However,
if left untended, they would usually wander aimlessly off. From
whence comes their expression: 
. . . A strolling clone gathers no floss.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Welcome to the Aaah Ha! Ha! Ha! Humor List
http://www.big-gyant-head.com

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>
Be warned. I use lots of dirty words & politically incorrect
stuff. If this kind of thing bothers you, simply remove
yourself from the list. Complaining about the humor, or
anything else for that matter, will only get you laughed at...
<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Given that so many people are having trouble confirming their
subscription, you may want to drop off the list completely. Here are
some instructions you may wish to keep if it gets to be to much for you.

There are two ways with which you may unsubscribe from this mailing...

OPTION #1
-=>>>*<<<=-
Ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.
Then follow these directions.

The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating
System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be
dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have
fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X"
outlet hose. Twist the silver- colored ring one inch below the
connection point until you feel it lock.

The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the
small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its
initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.
Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.
Activate by pressing the blue button.

The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red
release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be
adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release
button. The opening is self-adjusting. To secure after use, press
the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and
returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.

You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator .
If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator
requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy"
call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all
facilities from his control panel.

To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in
the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet
immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.
On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a
"Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be
illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the
desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe
normally.

The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless
you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When
you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.
The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro
slippers and place them in their container.

If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The
knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low,
medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.

After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If
during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings,
place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may
now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light
goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind
you.


OPTION #2
-=>>>*<<<=-
simply remove yourself from the list via http://www.onelist.com

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>


SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar
item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she
doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted
to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are
a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two
people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.


We are dyslexia of Borg. 
Prepare to have your ass laminated.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his
congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands 
three sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a
$50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon
that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and
see which one I'll deliver."



USEFUL WORK PHRASES:

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're
an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to
burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn
to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable...must be time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the
cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.


The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short > >
shorts.
> >
> > "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up
in
> > the truck.
> >
> > "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
> >
> > "I'm June----June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing
me up
> > with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles
down
> > the road.
> >
> > "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, "having eight
> inches
> > of Snow in June?"


MILLIONS SHOOT THEIR MOUTHS OFF IN AMERICA!

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- The U.S. Congress last week
implemented a unified fireworks code, replacing the
county-by-county laws that have created so much confusion in
the past, and the results over the Fourth of July weekend
were encouraging. The new code, otherwise known as the
UFC, was the brainchild of Attorney General Janet Reno, and
she explained it thus: "According to the UFC, EVERYTHING IS
LEGAL. You can shoot anything you want, AS LONG AS IT'S IN
ONE OF YOUR BODY CAVITIES.

Anyone violating the law -- say, by shooting a Roman candle
while it's not inside a bodily orifice -- was trussed up
snugly by a uniformed Fireworks Misuse Officer and given a
demonstration of the proper procedure, using a comparable
firework from our vast collection seized in raids." 

Fireworks stand owners nationwide complained that sales were
slow, and the phrase "Uhm, do you have anything smaller?"
was heard everywhere. The injury total for the weekend was
as follows:


Mouth injuries: 93,712
Nostril injuries: 36,178
Rectal injuries: 15,420
Vaginal injuries: 5,923
Ear injuries: 385
Navel injuries: 76
Urethral injuries: 8
Eye socket injuries: 1


Reported by Claire Voltaire and Tristan Fabriani
The Daily Probe, July 7, 1998 



TEST YOUR PRIORITIES:

There are five things going on simultaneously which need to
be taken care of.

1. The telephone is ringing.

2. The baby is crying.

3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell.

4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it
begins to rain.

5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running.

In what order do you take care of the problems? 
Jot down the order you chose.
Answer below.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


TEST ANSWERS:

1. The phone represents your job or career.

2. The baby, your family.

3. The visitor, your friends.

4. The laundry, your sex life.

5. The running water, money or wealth.

How close did this test match your priorities in Life?



CIVIL SERVANTS

Ten civil servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized - then there were nine.

Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
'Til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified - then there were six.

Six civil servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatised - then there were five.

Five civil servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four civil servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.

Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment - then there were two.

Two civil servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave - then there was one.

The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.



In life, we all have our goals. These people just raised the
> bar!
>
> Here are some lesser known World Records:
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
> > >>> >> >> > Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of > > >>>
>> >> > her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > LONGEST PUBES
> > >>> >> >> > Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32
> > >>> >> >> > inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her
> > >>> >> >> > vagina.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
> > >>> >> >> > Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without
> > >>> >> >> > preparation, completely insert a lubricated
> > >>> >> >> > American football into her vagina.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > ZIT POPPING
> > >>> >> >> > In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
> > >>> >> >> > squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount
> > >>> >> >> > of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > WORST DRINK
> > >>> >> >> > The most horrible drink to be considered a
> > >>> >> >> > beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk
> > >>> >> >> > by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and
> > >>> >> >> > consists of a small amount of still-warm very
> > >>> >> >> > recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a
> > >>> >> >> > potent aphrodisiac.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
> > >>> >> >> > This is available from a few select bars in New
> > >>> >> >> > York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of
> > >>> >> >> > vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash
> > >>> >> >> > of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon
> > >>> >> >> > (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is
> > >>> >> >> > known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
> > >>> >> >> > Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a
> > >>> >> >> > 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold
> > >>> >> >> > the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and
> > >>> >> >> > the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle
> > >>> >> >> > velocity, with 42.7mph.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > LONGEST TURD
> > >>> >> >> > The longest dump ever verified was produced by
> > >>> >> >> > an American, who produced a 'staggering turd'
> > >>> >> >> > over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially
> > >>> >> >> > measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from
> > >>> >> >> > 134 washrooms in his state.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST PROLONGED FART
> > >>> >> >> > Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain
> > >>> >> >> > a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42
> > >>> >> >> > seconds.

Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of
| dog urine
|
| The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of |
toilet paper.
|
| The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
|
| Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay
| in the
| gut. Usually it will pass through the system and be excreted without |
incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has
| stuck
| in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky |
trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.
|
| Several well documented instances have been reported of xtremely obese
| people
| flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum
| action of
| these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
|
| It is possible to cough your guts up.
|
| If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would
| consume
| you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.
|
| What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as
| it is
| insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? | (Every
month Thames Water removes more than a ton of this substance
from
| its
| water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site
| and buried) -
| pubic hair.
|
| Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.
|
| The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in |
length.
|
| A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried | in
local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, |
accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at
| first put down to tinnitis. It became so serious that exploratory
| surgery
| was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in | her
ear.
| Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within | the
aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling
| around
| inside her skull.An egg sac was also removed.
|
| Enjoy your lunch.


My Resignation



I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.  I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.  I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.  I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a bog oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.  When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.  All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair.  That everyone is honest and good.  I want to believe that anything is possible.  I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.  I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the back, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.  I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

Sohere's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.  I am officially resigning from adulthood.  And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, 'cause



"Tag!  You're it!"

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man




1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.


Q. Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the
> Vineyard?
> A. He said he'd wash up on shore!
>
>
> Q. What's the Kennedy's flying motto?
> A. Your luggage will arrive before you do!
>
>
> Q. What did JFK Jr miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
> A. The runway.
>
>
> Q. What will it take to bring the first family back together?
> A. One more bullet!
>
>
> Q. Why was JFK, Jr. flying to the Vineyard?
> A. He wanted to crash his cousin's wedding.
>
>
> Q. What will they name the movie about movie JFK, Jr.?
> A. Three funerals and a wedding.

CORPORATE LESSONS:

Lesson #1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on
the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.


Lesson #2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able
to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some
of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. The turkey was promptly spotted by a
farmer who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.


Lesson #3:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be
Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control
the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, 
"We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the
Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And
so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at
the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused
to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to
panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the
Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat
and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.



What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park?

One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs,
and the other is a movie.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a
tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I
am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated
that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did
not give him such a right." The first man whacked the ball
onto the green & left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was
hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When
he came to a few minutes later, he looked around & saw the
deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the
other holding up 4 fingers.



During his visit to the United States the Pope met with 
President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled,
the meeting went on for two days.

Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the
waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced
the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the
Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr.
Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be
with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a
failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness,
President Clinton just announced the summit was a great
success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items
discussed".

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking
about the Ten Commandments."


Its closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is
putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in.
"No free booze!", says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick", says the homeless man.
The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.
"What do YOU want?", asks the bartender mopping the floor.
"I would like one toothpick my good man", says the homeless
man. The bartender squints at the homeless man, but gives
him the toothpick and away he goes.

Just as the bartender is about to turn out the lights and
lock up, another homeless man appears. "I know, I know",
says the bartender, "You want a toothpick". 

"Oh nooo", says the homeless man, "I need a straw".

The bartender gets him the straw, "Here you can have this
straw but I gotta know what's going on here." 

"Well says the dirty homeless man, this drunken bimbo has
puked all over the alley out here, but the good bits are
already gone."


Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare
nor well-done. 
~Ernie Kovacs

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and
had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found
the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being
momentarily stumped by the final question:

"Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I thought
it was tough at first... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down
Horticulturist."


Father O' Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland
for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has
never been married and he is curious as to what an American
endures in everyday life.

So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He
hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the
airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up
to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew
you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at
her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not
Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in
his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take
me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says,
"Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't
dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" 

"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and
drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. 

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel
check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams
the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would
happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches,
masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm
so glad you're back!"

Father O' Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,
"Thank you... Thank you very much!"


A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says
he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid
show me what you do". 

The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a
bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good
enough to impress the agent. 

"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for
ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (this was the
early sixties) "By the way, what's your name?" 

The young man, proud and excited, exclaims 
"Penis Van Lesbian". "'Scuse me?" questions the agent. "My
name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. 

"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name,
nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian". Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly
refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another
agent. 

A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey
kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still
looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head
hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town
turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So
I've changed it". 

"Great kid, great! What's your new name?" 

"Dick Van Dyke." 



Why are there a few Marines on every Navy ship? 
Because sheep would have been too obvious. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


THE TOP 15 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WOODSTOCK '69 
AND WOODSTOCK '99

15. 1969: Three-mile long line of vans bringing flower
children to a festival of peace and love;
1999: Three-mile long line of vans bringing soccer
children to state junior tournament in nearby
Poughkeepsie

14. 1969: First aid tents filled with people who overdosed
on heroin and LSD.
1999: First aid tents filled with people who overdosed
on Frappuccino and Mountain Dew.

13. 1969: Smell of freshly rolled burning joint;
1999: Smell of freshly tattooed burning skin

12. 1969: Ignited a generation;
1999: Generated an ignition

11. 1969: 3 days of peace, love and understanding;
1999: 3 days of pay-per-view for $89.95

10. 1969: "Don't take the brown acid, man!";
1999: "Go easy on the tech stocks, man!"

9. 1969: "Don't stop the rock and roll!";
1999: "Stop, Drop and Roll!"

8. 1969: Bad acid makes everyone sick;
1999: MTV VJ Jessie Camp makes everyone sick

7. 1969: "Hey, beautiful, what's your sign?";
1999: "Hey, beautiful, what's your URL?"

6. 1969: 3-day ticket -- $18;
1999: 3 sodas -- $18

5. Dead 1969 alums: Janis, Jimi, and Jerry;
Dead 1999 alums: Peace and love

4. 1969: Go naked for that one-with-nature feeling;
1999: Go naked and have your photo end up all over the
internet

3. 1969: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left
to lose";
1999: Freedom's just another word for a gassed up SUV
and a debit card

2. 1969: Firing up a joint during the show;
1999: Burning down the joint after the show

1. 1969: "We are stardust...";
1999: "We are Starbucks..."


Rules for Strip Monopoly 

1. All clothing is legal tender, for debts both public, and
private, at the values listed. 

2. Any clothing given to the bank is removed from the game. 

3. If you do not have cash, then you MUST pay in clothes. 

4. All payments to the bank for Chance, Community Chest,
Income Tax, ect. must include at least one item of clothing
(not necessarily yours). 

5. When paying rent to another player, you must roll 1 die.
If it comes up 5, or 6, you must include one item of
clothing for the rent. Full Change of the appropriate amount
will be given, in either cash, or clothes. 

6. YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANY OTHER PLAYERS CLOTHING!

Clothing values: 
Note: all values may be adjusted in response to sexy
underwear, or similar circumstances. 

Jewelry---------$3.00 per type(if you have 10 bracelets,
together they are worth $3.00) 

Shoes-----------$5.00 per pair 

Socks-----------$5.00 per pair 

Shirt-----------$50.00 (male, female w/ bra) 

Shirt----------$350.00 (female w/out bra) 

Pants----------$100.00 (w/ underwear) 

Pants----------$600.00 (w/out underwear) 

Bra------------$300.00 

Underwear------$500.00 

*values listed here are assumed to be worn. once an item of
clothing is removed from the body, the price drops to the
lowest price for that item. (ex: once a shirt w/out a bra is
sold, its price drops from $350 $50) All outer clothing not
listed here, is worth $1.00 a piece. Any clothing not listed
(i.e. garter belts) the price will be set by the group.


A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his
wife, who then re-married someone whom she felt would treat
her with more love and kindness.

When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one
day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked
her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours
like screwing a used pussy?"

"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the
used part."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Grandma and grandpa were sitting on the step while their two
grandchildren were playing between them on the floor.

Grandpa wore shorts and grandma saw with a shock that his
private parts were hanging out on the one side. Without
wanting to alarm the grandchildren she said: "Daddy, your
p-e-n-i-s is hanging out!" 

"Why are you spelling that word, my dear?" grandpa asked.
"For the sake of the children, Daddy" she answered. 

A while later grandpa saw that grandma's dress moved up a
bit and he thought that he would return the favor she did
him earlier. "Mommy," he said, "the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n can see
your pussy!" 



Magic Sex Pills

A woman complained to her doctor that her husband never
wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of pills, telling
her to put them in the husband's drink and her husband would
be recharged.

The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his
coffee that evening. That night they made out. The next
morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night the sex
was ecstatic. The next day, she said, "What the hell!" and
dumped the entire bottle in the husband's coffee.

Sometime later, the doctor called to check on his patient's
progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the
doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied, "Mom's
dead, Sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my ass hurts,
and Dad is buck naked on the front lawn yelling, 'Here,
kitty, kitty.'"


PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM BGH:

Whenever you buy a can of canned soda, please make sure that
you wash the top with running water and soap or, if not
available, drink with a straw. 

A family friend died after drinking a can of soda! (wow)
Apparently, she didn't clean the top before drinking from
the can. The top was encrusted with dried rat's urine which
is toxic and obviously lethal. 
(No shit, what was their first clue?) 

Canned drinks and other food stuff are stored in
warehouses and containers that are usually infested with
rodents and then get transported to the retail outlets
without being properly cleaned. 

So ladies, if running water and soap or a straw are not
available...

Offer the first sip to your husband :p

~Disclaimer: No animals were harmed while testing this
joke.



A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a
substitute for women." 

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other. 

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my dick stuck in the
neck of the bottle." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the shit
out of your computer to get it to work again. 


A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic
biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want
to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester.
I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are
off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets
their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating
a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out
of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." 

There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got
up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his
offer. 

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out
over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one
else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up
and took the offer. 

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those
students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in
yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s." 


More Actual Letters to Landlords:

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next
door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from
the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from the wall.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done
as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back
garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.

Would you please repair our toilet, my son pulled the chain
and the box fell on his head.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old
age pensioner and need it straight away.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and
we cannot get BBC2.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and it was very uncomfortable for
us.

When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to
take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have
been told that you should have put some on. So will you
please take off what you took off and put on what you should
have put on when you took it off.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean
tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too
much.



What's wrinkled and smells like Ginger?

Fred Astaire's face.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and
asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" 

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I
wanted to have sex from the rear?" 

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you
ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR
TURN!'" 


One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, "Pastor there
are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible;
how are we supposed to deal with them. The Pastor responded,
"There are no such things, give me an example of what you
are talking about". 

The woman responded, "PMS is not in the Bible". So the
Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the
morning and he would have the answer. 

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor
had an answer about PMS in the Bible. The Pastor replied,
"Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the
way to Bethlehem!". 


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the
Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of
personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept
early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger
people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be
placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as
R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity
to look for other employment outside the company. Provided
they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W.
(Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may
file an appeal with upper management. This will be called
S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees
may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be
S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will
be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered
a benefit plan. Any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S.
will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the
company.

Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to ensure
that employees are well trained through our Special High
Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program.

The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our
employees receive. We have given our employees more
S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any
employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on
the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor
is especially trained to make sure you recieve all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle.

The Management



These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club
and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of
the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He`s not good
looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he
drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go
home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He`s not even a very good
conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his
eyebrows."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a
parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a
coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky
you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the
parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains
its glass and bawls, "and get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky
but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it
now, bitch, or I'll give you a slap".

Next moment both he and the parrot were wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for
someone who can't fly you sure are a lippy bastard!" 



A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest
tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying
"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man -
you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a
dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the
barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from
you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The
next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door
to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the
barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from
you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice
system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more
lawyers waiting for a haircut.



Little Johnny came home from school one day. At the supper
table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in
school they were going to learn about sex education. 

The next evening at the dinner table Johnny's mother asked,
"Well Johnny, what did you learn about sex education
today?" 

Johnny said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid
inter-sections and buy condominiums."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in
the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?" 

"Why?" she asks. 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife
appears out of nowhere." 


Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high
desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened
to be blonde, and new to boating was having a problem. No
matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her
brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. 

It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she
applied. 

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over
to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what as wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect
working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and
down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. 

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so
hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.


Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the
alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last
house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two
men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged
his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to
the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger
one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind
them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run
too!"



Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the
opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you,
with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney
Stuart, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campbell, gave me
$10,000." 

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He
handed it to Stuart.

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to
decide this case solely on its merits."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up
the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after
that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of
despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around
here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."



CAFFEINE PRAYER

Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze. 

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses. 

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its 
name's sake. 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
addiction, 

I will fear no Equal (tm):

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they 
comfort me. 

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of 
Juan Valdez: 

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of 
my life: 

and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.


His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley's
deathbed. 

As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful
sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral
plans. 

One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second
thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even
ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. 

All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their
father would never know the difference. 

Mr. Stanley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it
was time to set the record straight. 

"Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never
wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with
this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were
never married." 

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're all bastards?" 

Mr. Stanley said, "Yes. And cheap ones too!" 



A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. 
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of
us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm
referring to?

You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is
mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely
bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are 
by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and
roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with
his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times,
making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a
safari wagon. 

The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a 
corn tortilla and then ambled away.

The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and
hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't
know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"



How to Tell When You're In Los Angeles:

Your coworker tells you s/he has 8 body piercings: 
none are visible.

You make over $250,000. And still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a 
conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose
ring and is named "Breeze." And your friends still need to
know if the teacher, a member of the local Republican
committee, is male or female.

If you speak about "urban transit," you're besieged by
attractive young women who want to "channel."

You can't remember ... is pot illegal?

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and 
Ethiopian. And you know which Brentwood restaurant serves
the freshest arugula.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a
fab exercise facility and tofu takeout.

You're thinking of taking an adult class but you can't
decide between aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or
screening erotic web sites.

A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia. You don't
notice.

A woman walks on the bus with live poultry. You don't
notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be
visiting from the Midwest. You know that any woman with a
George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

PREGNANCY QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding
pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I
got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby
will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I
contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose,
and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have
a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.


"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
spit on my grave." 

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. 

"Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in
line again!" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of
magnesia?

A Religious movement.


Some common office phrases explained:

It is in process
So wrapped in red tape that the situation is almost
hopeless.

Will advise you in due course
If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

We are aware of it
We had hoped that the fool who started it would have
forgotten about it by this time.

It's under consideration
Never heard of it.

Under active consideration
We are looking in the files for it.

We are making a survey
We need more time to think of an answer.

Let's get together on this
I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.

Please note and initial
Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as
it doesn't interfere with what we have already
decided to do.

Give us your interpretation
Your warped opinion will be pitted against
your adversary's good sense.


How To Shower Like A Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see
your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed
flesh and rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out
your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about
how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth,
legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake
body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area
but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the
toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold
spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small
African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second
towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. 
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover
up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and
a half getting dressed.



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A
very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I
hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls
the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the
dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly
leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She
complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts.
Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut
hatch."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from
yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend
called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen
with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"


How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your
girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo"
sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in
your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of
your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your
fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the
mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice
water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of
the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.


17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire
dick size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If
you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab
your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get
dressed.



A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die.
The nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and
are expected to make one last confession before they become
angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be
absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact
with a penis?"

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch
the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and
pass on into heaven."

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried
away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and
pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the
nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve
her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that
stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in
it!" 



Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and
started to eat. 

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told
them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders
and then exchanged sandwiches.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Jamaica has approved the growing of hemp to be used as cat
food. Actually hemp cat food is not new, in fact, today in
Washington D.C., Socks the Cat admitted he experimented with
hemp cat food in college but he never swallowed... you know,
he just kept coughing it right back up on the carpet.
~Steve Voldseth



Aviation 101 

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you
pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep
pulling the stick back then they get bigger again.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to
keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch
the pilot break out into a sweat.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing
is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the
definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you
can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of
arrival.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round
and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all
of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters
can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth
immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long
enough to make all of them yourself.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: 
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as
copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start
with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when
he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number
of your takeoffs.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a
fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.


DEFINITIONS BY GENDER

THINGY:
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE:
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION:
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the boys.

BUTT: 
Female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT:
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT:
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE: 
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL: 
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every
three minutes. 



A very drunk gentleman comes staggering in early one morning
just as the sun is coming up. His very angry wife is
waiting for him and says, "What do you think you're doing
staying out all night? Just for that I'm cutting you off."

Her husband begins to laugh, and she says, "What in the hell
are you laughing at?"

With tears rolling down his face from laughing so hard he
says, "You can't cut me off. You don't know where I've been
getting it!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice
to bring his wife a little gift. 

How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. 

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. 

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.


SIGNS THAT YOU'RE GETTING OLD(ER)

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything
else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 

There are three signs of old age. 
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more
work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five
women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy
to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the women at the
office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get
tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too
old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow
down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and
choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that
caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to
take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its
way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your
car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you
can't get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and
you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after
feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good
news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.


In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a
McDonald's hamburger a few weeks ago. Here is David
Letterman's top ten McDonald's excuses for the condom in the
Big Mac:

10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed"
9. Condom, Condiment ... What's the damned difference.
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe
7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese
are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.
4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a
condom with that?"
3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Cokes with lots of ice" 
sounds like "Prophylactic device"

And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the
Big Mac:

1. When you are serving billions and billions, you can't be
too careful.



A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along
really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a
drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed
his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and says: 'You must be a dentist!'

Flabergasted, the guy responded 'Yes, that's amazing
how did you figure that out ?'

The girl said: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' 

One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and
things became more passionate. After they were done, the
girl said: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' 

The guy was very very surprised, and said 'Yes, I sure am a 
great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl said: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing' 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a
lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. 

As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax
a few moments before starting their journey to safety. 

The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches were wet and
they had no way to light their cigarettes. 

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He
threw a cigarette overboard. 

This worked well. They were able to smoke, because...
the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter. 
(By Stan Kegel)



MY COMPUTER CRASHED AND DIED TODAY

My computer crashed and died today
And I thought, "oh well what the hey"
Now I'd have time to clean my house
And see if I still had a spouse

It started out with weird frustrations
Combined with mild heart palpitations
And then my ankles began to swell
Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL

Chills ran up and down my spine
Oh, God I had to get on-line
To greet my buds and check my mail
I began to feel helpless and frail

Then I remembered the Good Guy's Store
And all those computers by the door
I'd go there and when alone
With no one looking I'd sign-on

I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound

Then I typed my password, and the computer said, "Goodbye"
And that's what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix

I... slowly... typed... my... password... then... I...
stood... and... waited
The darned thing said , "Goodbye" again and I got real
frustrated
That's when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen
And the last thing I remember is my loud shreiking scream

When I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think
I asked the data entry cop, if he'd get me a drink
Now I'm sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well
If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.


Bob was in the dentist's chair having a root canal done.
Every so often the dentist would stick a large
toothpick-like object into the tooth's canal to see how far
he had drilled. 

Each time, this thing caused Bob great pain, but whenever he
complained the dentist replied, "Oh, that doesn't hurt, it's
just a measuring device."

This happened a couple more times. Again Bob complained and
again he got the same response. 

Finally Bob sat up in the chair, took all the apparatus out
of his mouth, looked the dentist in the eye and said,
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to go out to my truck, get
my tape measure and whack you in the head with it a few
times. It shouldn't hurt, though, it's just a measuring
device." 


A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having
severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem
to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face
while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very
interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your husband's face once
during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur
that you saw his face that time and why did he look angry?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how
they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red
roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the
vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that
his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm
for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask
his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied
"Don't forget your sweater".




This goes out to any woman who's had to reject any losers.
Now we have a form letter to send out.

Dear _____ (name)- I regret to inform you that you have been
eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are
probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and
dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
come available. So that you may find better success in your
future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the
competition:

(Check those that apply)

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking
it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not
something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of
passion.

___The fact that our finest dining experience to date has
been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find
unappealing.

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the
truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for
something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one
about myself.

___Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my
pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition
from trying to kiss you.

___You have a hairy back.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals
an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in
conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of
Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to
suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I
am seeking in a long term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you
should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical
inches, please resubmit your application.

___The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as
"must see TV" demonstrated that you do not meet my
intelligence requirements.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful
business trip.

___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely, 

__________________.



Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the
world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in
the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help
you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:

"It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more
in stock."

"Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."

"You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."

"Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

"You don't look a day over 40."

"Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my
own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."

"It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

"The new ownership won't affect you. The company will
remain the same."

"The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take
care of it myself."

"Your hair looks just fine."

"Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."

"You don't need it in writing. You have my personal
guarantee."


A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done
before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store and, after looking
around for a while, selects a title that sounds very
stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her
disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so
she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a
gift shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain
figures? 

They charged him with statue Tory rape. Apparently, he is a
Hummel sexual. 
(By Gary Hallock)



A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So
he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five
dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five
dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the
next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm
really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a
penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a
bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his
"penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy
a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops
and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his
ankles, waddles after her, shouting...

"HEY!... WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"


SOURCE: Associated Press
28-JUN-99

A sample of unusual or significant laws going into effect
this summer:

 Louisiana makes it law for children in kindergarten
through fifth grade to address teachers with a courtesy
title such as "sir" or "ma'am."

 New Hampshire becomes last state to grant Martin Luther
King Jr. a permanent holiday and also allows homosexuals to
adopt children.

 Washington outlaws lying by politicians in campaign ads.
It also calls for creation of a registry of insurance claims
that should be payable to Holocaust victims or their
relatives.

 New Mexico comes up with an official state question: "Red
or Green?" The query is to determine which type of chili
sauce diners prefer.

 Vermont allows needle exchange programs for the first
time.

 Idaho rescinds US$1,000 limit on awards for charity rubber
duck races.

 South Carolina officially legalizes interracial marriages.
It also outlaws the sale of urine and declares the spotted
salamander the official state amphibian.

 Florida allows sheriffs to sell stray livestock to nearest
auction to recoup cost of capturing it.

 Tennessee and Indiana require parental consent for body
piercing of young people. Tennessee also requires consent
for tattoos.

 Georgia allows breast-feeding a baby in public, provided
the mother "acts in a discreet and modest way."

 Utah protects Good Samaritans from being sued for damages
done while they use a defibrillator to jump start heart
attack victims. Also raises marriage age to 16 and legalizes
domesticated elk hunting, with some restrictions.



A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander.

"In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a train,
ride all day long, and still be in Texas by
nightfall."

"So what?" replies the Yankee, "We have slow
trains in Rhode Island too."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


CHICAGO (Reuters) - Someone got the jump on the city's plan
to grow wildflowers along O'Hare Airport runways to keep
passengers happy by cultivating a field of marijuana
adjacent to the field, police said Wednesday.

The crop was discovered recently in an area where compost is
dumped that is separated by an embankment from the busy
airport.

One man was arrested Wednesday during a police surveillance
operation on the crop, which showed signs of being
cultivated, police officer Cesar Guzman said.

The city's aviation department has announced tentative plans
to grow wildflowers instead of grass alongside airport
runways as part of an ongoing city beautification program.


A DIETER'S PRAYER 

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall into the clutches
of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated, that my soul may be
poly unsaturated And show me the light, that I may bear
witness to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter, for the road to Hell
is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful; and Satan is hiding
in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone; the Devil is in each
slice of baloney, Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, and Lucifer
is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice but, cut it thin and toast
it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees, deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done, and my war with malted
milk is won, Let me stand with Heavenly throng, In a shining
robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me, the virtues of
lettuce and celery.

If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise, of pasta a la
Milannaise potatoes a la Lyonnaise and crisp-fried chicken
from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth. 

~Author Unknown



If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
~Andy Rooney

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few
minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking
with-an-attitude sort of fellow plops down in the seat next
to him and immediately falls asleep.

After take-off, the little guy starts to feel a little
airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he
can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him,
and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big
guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold
it in any longer and spews all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down,
and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "Are you feeling better now?"


Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and
loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the
jungle nurse Tarzan back to health.

They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and
for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk for a
penis.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says,
"Tarzan, how do you like your new parts?"

Tarzan says, "Eye good... Tarzan see far, clear..." 
"Arm good... long, strong..." 
"But Tarzan not crazy about new weenie... 
all day long, pick up weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."


An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a
check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and
tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you
drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a
drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong
principles against it."

"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30
every night and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked,
"Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head!"

"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is
on too tight!"


A Tennessean and a Texan are driving through the country 
when the Tennessean spies a goat with it's head stuck in a
fence. Seizing the opportunity, he stops the car, winks at
his friend, gets out and proceeds to hump the helpless
goat.

In a few minutes, the Tennessean returns to the car and
signals to the Texan, "your turn, buddy!" The Texan gets
out of the car, goes over to the fence, gets down on all
fours, sticks his head through and pulls down his pants.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man is in court for murder and the judge says
"You are charged with beating your wife to death
with a hammer."

Then a voice at the back of the court says, "you
bastard."

Then the judge continues, "you are also charged
With beating Your daughter to death with a
hammer."

Again the voice at the back of the court says,
"you bastard."

The judge says, "now we cannot have any more of
these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt, now what is the problem?"

Then the man at the back of the court says,
"fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said
he never had one!"


Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in
Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving
in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was
late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in
front of the car. suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob
attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed,
he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife
unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and
unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the
nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins
trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the
light, which is coming from an old, large house. He
approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small,
hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello,
my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been
in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a
phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the
stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am
not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many
miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do." Gesturing to his
assistant the doctor says, "Igor, bring them down to
the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in
the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and
his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty
Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he
climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe
organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He
begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody
fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music
fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the
fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as
Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed, as Betty
sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master...

"Master, Master!... 
The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!"


THE CORPORATE ANIMAL SPIRIT CALENDAR

Were you born in the Year of the Ass? 
Consult the Corporate Animal Calendar to find out!

Year of the Cock: Those born in this year tend to be the
most aggressively abusive denizens of he office. Their evil
crowing is ubiquitous, and they tend to regard all others as
born in the year of the hen, and often become partners in
law offices. Watch out for the ones born on the cusp of the
Year of the Ass!

The Year of the Maggot: These specimens usually become the
bitterest of bitter clerks, often degenerating into
paralegals in the terminal stages. The maggot yearns to
rise up and cast down his masters, yet he knows he never
will.

Year of the Sheep: Prime exponents of the herd mentality. 
See them demonstrate loyalty. See them worship the
corporate ethic. See them get laid off!

Year of the Weasel: These are the were-rodents. They're
stroking you with one hand and stabbing you in the back with
the other. Those who lack the ethics for child molesting
often go into human resources.

Year of the Cockroach: The geek of the corporate world. 
His self-esteem is so nonexistent that he finds the most
humiliating abuse elevating. It takes all kinds to fill out
the circle of life, so go ahead and crap all over him. It's
your cosmic duty.

Year of the Hen: Another creature that finds the meaning of
life in denigration, except this one is often overpaid and
still enjoys stomping the few available lower forms of life,
such as the cockroach. For details, see dictionary under
*legal secretary.*

Year of the Snake: Always eager to feast on the
still-twitching corpse of a co-worker, the Snake attempts to
slither over the remains of other middle managers into
positions of real power but is often mashed to jelly by
Asses and Cocks.

Year of Dung Beetle: This miserable creature actually
enjoys and takes pride in meaningless, rote tasks -- the
only things he can do right. He often rants about powerful
spreadsheet and databases programs, but carries an enormous
day planner/address book with no entries in it.

Year of the Squid: The multi-talented but oily-textured
Squid is usually found in engineering programming areas. 
The squid's numerous limbs allow him to accomplish many
tasks while still reserving one arm to jerk off with.

Year of the Ass: True to his name, this one usually
gravitates towards sales, politics, and other forms of
aggressive parasitism. The braying of the ass fills the
halls of power, yet many of this species never go farther
than the corner liquor store. The blade of Karma is razor
sharp.

Year of the Sea Cucumber Blenny. In nature, this small fish
establishes a symbiosis by living in the anus of the sea
cucumber. In the business world, the blenny is usually an
executive *assistant,* maintaining an affinity for the far
reaches of the Ass.

WHICH YEAR ARE YOU? 
Cock: years ending in 0, i.e. 1960. 
Maggot: 1.
Sheep: 2. 
Weasel: 3. 
Cockroach: 4. 
Hen: 5. 
Snake: 6. 
Dung Beetle: 7.
Squid: 8. 
Ass: 9. 
Blenny: Leap Year.


Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to
the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars
this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this
month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Confronted by a robber in his bedroom,
best-selling author Studs Terkel pulled out a wad of cash
and it was hastily grabbed. But he wasn't cowed.

"I said, 'Hey, I'm flat broke now, gimme 20 bucks,'" the
87-year-old former radio host and Pulitzer Prize winner said
Thursday of the late-night break-in.

The unmasked robber complied, handing back a $20 bill.

The experience was "simply dreamlike," the effervescent
Terkel told ABC-TV, "as if somebody choreographed a slow
dance at midnight."


In 1868, two young couples in Dodge City, Kansas, were
charged, tried and convicted of bank robbery. An
experimental, new, and much ballyhooed type of hangman's
noose had just been developed and was selected to be used
for the first time. It was a square shaped noose, designed
for viselike constriction about the neck. 

The two men were sentenced to death, and their wives were
sentenced to life imprisonment and were tied to the gallows
and forced to watch their husband's execution. 

The women greatly feared that the the new square noose would
cause their men much pain before death. They were not
mistaken. After the execution, the word of the nasty new
square noose spread far and wide, striking fear into the
hearts of outlaws everywhere. 

So: . . . "The hype of the square noose is a sequel to the
hum of the prayers of the tethered two brides". 
(By Scot Nelson)


Now in the news are all kinds of reports on what oil costs
per barrel, how it affects gas prices, airline tickets,
heating and air conditioning, etc., etc, etc. Well, here's
what the "other stuff" costs by the barrel.

West Texas Intermediate Crude: $14.68

What 'other stuff' costs by the barrel [42 gallons]

CocaCola: $ 78.73

Milk: $126.00

Evian Water: $189.90

Orange Juice: $251.16

Snapple: $267.12

Perrier Water: $328.67

Lemon Oil: $390.88

Crisco Oil: $435.12

Scope Mouthwash: $826.65

Sunflower Oil: $971.04

Olive Oil: $1,324.38

Real Maple Syrup: $1,787.52

Sesame Oil: $2,535.61

Jack Daniel's Bourbon: $4,133.26

Visine Eye Drops: $32,202.24

Flonase Prescription Nasal Spray: $238,133.21

These figures tend to put things into a bit of a different
perspective... don't they?


Tennessee passed a road-kill law that makes it legal for
motorists to eat anything they run over. "Today in
Nashville, Denny's introduced its new Pontiac Grand Am
Breakfast." 
~Jay Leno

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I
can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. 
"I'm the groom."



Two majors were leaving the officers club after having a few
too many drinks. The officers were arguing, so they
approached two poor lowly privates digging a ditch for no
good reason.

One major said to the other, "Let's let the enlisted men
solve our argument and the winner gets the fifty bucks." 
The other officer agreed. They approached the tired, sweaty
enlisted men and asked, "Hey guys, my friend and I are
having an argument. I am saying sex is more work than
pleasure and my friend is saying that sex is more fun than
work. Would you guys agree to settle the argument for us?"

"Well," said the private, "the way we figure it, Sir, if sex
were more work than pleasure, then you officers would order
us to do it for you!"


A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the
ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather
plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to
success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the
next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who
was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb
the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man,
"might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this
time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the
ladder to success" she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was getting better the further
he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive,
the lot. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she
flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being
a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly
man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's Cess!"


The huge college freshman decided to try out for the
football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack 
into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a
shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred
yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he
said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the
first time in her life. Having failed to understand what
was going on and being really frightened, she decided to
share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem
was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not
a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your
balls off!"



There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the
supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head 
of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man insisted he only needed half a head.
The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "Hey, boss,
there's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a 
half a head of lettuce." Suddenly, the boy turns to find the
man standing right behind him. He quickly added, "And this
gentleman wants to buy the other half." 

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost
got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I was 
impressed with the way you got yourself out of trouble. You
think on your feet and we like that around here." The
manager continued, "Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Canada sir".

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. 

"They're all just whores and hockey players up there!" said
the boy.

"My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.

"Oh, really!" said the boy. "What team did she play for?"


Long Story Short:

Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months
now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They
stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local
restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go
back to his house and she stays over.

Her story: 
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought
it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't
say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow
going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate
so we could talk more privately. So we go to this
restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to
cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or
something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not
really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house I say
that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I
don't know what the hell that means because you know he
doesn't say it back or anything. So when we get back to his
I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him
about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm
going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes he joins
me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so 
afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't
know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met
someone else???

His story:
Shitty day at work. Great fuck later on though.



A blonde lady taxi driver was parked at a curb, sitting in
her cab, heater on full blast, in the middle of a bad
blizzard when her dispatcher told her to go to airport for a
fare. 

She responded, "It's snowing so hard, I can only see five
feet in front of the cab." The dispatcher suggested that she
flag down the next snow plow driver and ask if she could
follow him.

Thinking that was a good idea she rolled down her window
when she saw a plow truck approaching. "Hey," she yelled
out. "Is it OK if I follow you?" 

He responded, "Sure, if ya want to, blondie."

After about two hours the plow operator stopped his truck.
The blonde drove up next to him, when she saw him wave her
on.

"Well, I`m done with Wal Mart," he shouted out. "Ya want to
follow me over to K-Mart, too?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US,
the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that
your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight
control software, how many of you would disembark
immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he
would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's
software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi
as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.



One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that
the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with
a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years
and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to
pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this
enormous woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking
along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an
even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he
approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos
replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the
government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured
that as long as they have to be with these women, they might
as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now Tony,
Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along,
minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have
sworn that they Saw their friend Mike up ahead, only this
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel. 

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it
was their friend Mike. They asked him how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these
god-awful women. Mike replied "I have no idea, and I'm
definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the
best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years
of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.
After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to
herself, 'Damned income taxes'!" 


WORCESTER, Mass. (AP) _ There's no bug in a reputed
mobster's buttocks, the government says.

For years, Vincent "Gigi Portalla" Marino claims, a
federal drug agent had told him that a tracking device was
inserted in Marino's rear end when he underwent surgery to
remove a bullet.

This week, a federal judge ordered authorities to say
whether they did, in fact, implant such a device.

"We can confirm that the U.S. Drug Enforcement
Administration did not implant a tracking device in
defendant Vincent M. `Gigi Portalla' Marino's buttocks,"
U.S. Attorney Donald K. Stern said in a statement. "But we
cannot speak, however, for any extraterrestrial beings."

Marino had claimed that he was once asked by a DEA agent to
sign a form so the government could remove the device from
his body.

On Monday, U.S. District Judge Nathaniel M. Gorton said the
situation "sounds like some DEA agent trying to be funny,"
but he granted Marino's request to force the government to
tell him the truth.

Gorton's order came during a hearing in preparation for a
racketeering trial scheduled to start in the fall. Marino
and six other defendants are accused of waging a murderous
battle to seize control of the New England Mafia. Marino is
in prison awaiting trial.

In 1996, Marino was caught in a hail of gunfire at a club in
Revere. He was shot in the buttocks.

A legal expert said it is highly unlikely the government
could legally implant a device in a person's body.

"Theoretically, if you wanted to put a tracking device in
someone's body you would have to have court authority to do
that, and I imagine the courts would be reluctant to do
that," said Randy Chapman, former head of the Massachusetts
Bar Association's criminal justice division.



What do you get when you cross Dr. Ruth, Dr. Kervokian and
Tonya Harding?

Drop dead sex that will bring you to your knees.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a
parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in
the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so
he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the
bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid
this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you
think kept bidding against you?"



ASTROLOGICAL PRAYERS

ARIES-- Dear God, please give me patience... 
and could you do it right now?

TAURUS-- Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.

GEMINI-- Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER-- Dear God!!!

LEO-- Yes?

VIRGO-- Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it
up like You did the last time.

LIBRA-- Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the
other hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO-- Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our
debtors, even though the bastards don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS-- Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told
you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN-- Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I
learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS-- Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is
ridiculous!!

PISCES-- Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth
of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.


The Fosters had no children and decided to use a proxy father
> to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
> arrive, Mr. Foster kissed his wife and
> said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
> photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good
> morning madam. You don't know me but I've
> come to...."
>
> "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs.
> Foster cut in.
>
> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
> specialty of babies."
>
> "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
> have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Foster,
> blushing.
>
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
> one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
> the living room floor is fun too; you can
> really spread out."
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for
> Harry and me."
>
> "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
> But if we try several different positions and I shoot from
> six or seven angles, I'm sure
> you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs.
> Foster.
>
> "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd
> love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
> disappointed with that, I'm sure."
>
> "Don't I know!!", Mrs. Foster exclaimed.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
> portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of
> a bus in downtown London."
>
> "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Foster exclaimed, tugging at her
> handkerchief.
>
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you
> consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The
> photographer handed Mrs. Foster the picture.
>
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Foster.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park
> to get the job done right. People were crowding around four
> and five deep, pushing to get a good
> look."
>
> "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Foster, eyes widened in
> amazement.
>
> "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours
> too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could
> hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
> rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on
> my equipment, I just packed it all in."
>
> Mrs. Foster leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed
> on your, eh...equipment?"
>
> "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
> tripod so that we can get to work."
>
> "Tripod??", Mrs. Foster looked extremely worried now.
>
> "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
> much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for
> action. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

When Professors Say This...
They Really Mean This!


This needs some minor revisions. 
I never actually got around to reading this. 

My office hours are by appointment only. 
I like to screw out of here early. 

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. 
I'll be fudging your grades. 

This won't be on the test. 
Nap time! 

Bring the text to class. 
I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time 
with group read-alongs. 

He's not fully up to speed on that. 
He's got his head up his ass. 

Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed... 

I've got my head up HIS ass. 

Not much is known about... 
I don't know anything about... 

We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important 
concept. 
This was my dissertation topic. 

Talk to the department secretary. 
Screw off. 

Talk to me in my office after class. 
Get out of my face. 

The tests will all be multiple-choice. 
I take questions directly from the study guide and have 
grad students do all my grading. 

Don't come in late during my lecture. 
I have the attention span of a fruit fly. 

Save your questions until the end. 
See Above. 

The final will be comprehensive. 
I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I 
couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks. 

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentation. 
This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and 
let YOU teach. 

There are two TA's available to help you. 
I can't be bothered. 

This year I'll be scaling the grades. 
I just passed tenure review. 

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. 
I have a hangover. 

Let's have class outdoors today! 
I had beans for lunch. 

You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. 
My contract wasn't picked up. 

Hmm... 
What the fuck? 

Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course.
I haven't a clue. 

Ha, ha... 
That was supposed to be funny... 

Please note the last day to withdraw. 
The midterm's gonna suck. 

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17. 
I only got around to making up the test last night. 

The second list is optional reading. 
I have a rich fantasy life. 

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this 
course yet. 
The department stuck me with teaching this course 
at the last possible minute. 

Well, it was on the syllabus. 
I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot 
about it myself. 

We'll just skip the term paper this semester. 
There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA. 

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. 
See above. 

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. 
I'm so fucking boring that no one would show up otherwise. 

Read chapters 5 through 10. 
I'm not coming in at all next week. 

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. 
I screwed up the lecture schedule. 

Let's go over the exam. 
Half of you failed. 

It was in the textbook. 
I pulled it out of my ass. 

Extra credit is available. 
I need some shit work done. 

I'm postponing today's exam. 
There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover. 

Don't write on the question sheet. 
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester. 

Next time we'll see a film. 
I ran out of lecture material. 

Don't worry, that won't be on the exam. 
Ask someone who gives a shit. 


More Quotes from Actual Medical Records:

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and
he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
a year.

The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis
which goes to his feet.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing
me in 1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready
and anxious.

Patient was released to outpatient department without
dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing,
and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they
should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get
Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert
but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of
breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while
having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for
her original complaints.



It has just been announced that Bill Clinton was a 
test tube baby.

He wasn't worth a fuck back then either.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position
in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation
with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes
over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him
she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at
him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh" replies the husband,
"that was my mistress."

"That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok,"
replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering
in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more
country club. But, the decision is yours." 

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with
Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.


In an attempt to influence the members of the International
Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in
the year 2020, the organizers of New York City's bid have
already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. 


OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a gasoline bomb thrown
by a native of the city (preferably from the northern
Manhattan area), wearing the traditional costume of leather
jacket, Yankee baseball cap and tattoo. It will burn for the
duration of the games in a large armored truck sitting on
the roof of the stadium. 

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, New Yorkers have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance,
some of the events have been altered slightly to the
advantage of athletes from NYC. These include: 

100 METERS SPRINT 
Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a car stereo (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting gun, a police dog
will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 

400 METERS HURDLES 
As above but with added obstacles (ie. taxicabs, trash cans,
backyard fences, shopping carts, ... etc.) 

HIGH JUMP 
Barbed wires like those used in state jails are added,
electrifying is optional. 

HAMMER THROW 
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they
wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one
who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of
the public within the time allowed. 

FENCING 
Crow bars, broken beer bottles and batons are used instead
of swords. During the final round, the winners will chase
after the losers who are dropping all the VCR's, car stereos
etc. behind them. 

SHOOTING 
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this
event. The first target will be a moving armored truck. In
the second round, competitors will aim at a post office
clerk, bank teller or convenient store cashier. The final
round requires competitors sitting inside a car and driving
by a residential area to shoot at their targets. 

WEIGHTLIFTING 
Competitors will try to life the heaviest trash can or
shopping cart stuffed with weighs and throw toward a shop
window. The winner will be determined by how much
merchandise one can grab within a minute. 

BOXING 
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife
teams, and will take place on a Super Bowl night. The
husband will be given a bottle of wine while the wife will
be told not to bring him any corkscrew when the New York
Jets has just lost a touchdown. The bout will then commence. 

WRESTLING 
DWI and bomber suspects are to be let loose for 30 seconds
before law enforcement officers storm in. Batons and
handcuffs are not allowed in this event. 

CYCLING TIME TRIALS 
Competitors will be asked to go to a college campus and
steal an expensive mountain bike owned by a hillbilly on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock. 


Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and 
a dozen donuts.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The girl who can eat the last donut.


TASTELESS ONE-LINERS:

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
-A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby? 
-They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
-A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying
at half mast?
-They're hiring.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
-Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
-He walks around saying, "Yo"

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each
arm?
-A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the
car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
-Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
-A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
-Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the Cuban national anthem?
-"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...


A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've
got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the
boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our
little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the
basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are
using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think
she told me the exact meaning." 

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these
matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He
tells him... pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a
Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the
pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything
inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."


A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She
looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message
and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up
to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs
and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks
in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little
brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is
the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our
thumbs."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A drunk guy's sitting in a bar and asks the bartender where 
the restroom is. The bartender tells him to go down the
hall and make a right.

Shortly after the drunk leaves, everybody in the bar hears a
loud scream and wonders what's going on in the restroom. A
few minutes go by and again everybody hears a loud scream
coming from the restroom. This time the bartender goes to
the restroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming
about.

At the door he shouts to the drunk, "What's all the
screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers away."

The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I
pull the flush handle, something comes up and squeezes the
hell out of my balls.

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you ass hole!


Yukon Pete

Big ass Lil was the village queen
the fuckinest whore you'd ever seen
while some girls fuck with grace and eaze
Lil blew cock like the summer breeze

And when she fucked,
she fucked for keeps
She racked her victems
up in heaps.

But way up north 
where the twin rivers meet
lives a one-balled half-breed
named Yukon Pete!

Now Pete was
a filthy motherless soul
who fucked bears, sheep,
and woodchuck holes!

He caught a whiff of Big Ass Lil.
He packed up his rubbers,
and came down the hill.

He strode into town 
on size 32 feet
dragging 16 yards
of that red hot meat!

The scene was set 
at Windy Mill
By the brick shithouse
high on the hill

The ladies all came 
for a ringside seat
just to watch that halfbreed
sink his meat

Well, they fucked, and they fucked,
and they fucked for hours.
Uprooting trees, shrubs,
and even little flowers!

Lil did front flips, and back flips,
and stunts unknown to most common cunts.
But Pete caught on to every trick 
and kept on pumping in more dick!

Then Lil gave Pete
a whorehouse squeeze
that dropped that halfbreed
to his knees.

But Pete came back
with a Yukon Grunt --
that popped out her eyes
and split her cunt!

Lil cut two farts and sighed,
"Boys, I've been fucked"
cut one more and died.

When they asked him of 
his amazing feat,
Pete just smiled and said, "Boys,
I'm going back to the Yukon to Beat My MEAT!"


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and > > >
confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
> > > "Oh yeah ? What happened ?" asked the bartender politely, "See, I
met
> > > this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off
our
> > > clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when > her
goddamned husband came in the front door.
> > > So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by > my
fingernails !
> > > "Gee, that's tough !" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's
not
> > > what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
> > > "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great !
> > > You're naked already !
> > > Let me just take a leak'. And damned if the lazy son of a bitch > didn't
piss out the window right onto my head?"
> > > "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
> > > "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
> > > "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me."
> > > Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they > > >
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where > does it
land ?
> > > "My goddamned forehead !"
> > > "Damn, that really is a drag !" says the bartender.
> > > "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the >
husband had to make a dump.
> > > Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the > >
> window and let loose righton my head !"
> > > The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
> > > "Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
> > > REALLY
> > > REALLY REALLY pissed me off ?
> > > When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the > > >
ground!!"


A DCU, a UCD and a Trinity student were in an airplane that crashed. > >
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
> >
> > God addresses the DCU student first: "What do you believe in?"
> >
> > The DCU student replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I > >
think people should be able to make their own choices about things
> and
> > that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I
> > also believe in feeling people's pain."
> >
> > God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come
> and
> > sit at my left."
> >
> > God then addresses the UCD student: "What do you believe in?"
> >
> > The UCD student replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine > > is
evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any
> > more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and
> we'll
> > all die. Raaahhh"
> >
> > God thinks for a second and says: "Okay, that sounds good. Come and
> > sit at my right."
> >
> > God then addresses the Trinity student. "What do you believe in?"
> >
> > "I believe you're in my chair."


How to resign in style !!!
> >
> > This is a true story from an Amoco Christmas party in Australia
> last year.
> > At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to
> pull a
> > practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious
> practical
> > jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went
> through his
> > wallet and found his Tatts Lotto Ticket. Then, they wrote down
> his
> numbers
> > and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came
> back half
> > an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's
> Lotto
> numbers
> > then proceeded to read them out aloud, before setting the
> numbers
> on the
> > table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out
> his from
> > his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his
> wallet back
> > in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very
> carefully.
> > Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted
> out
> to the
> > whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've
> been
> having
> > an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you,
> and I
> > have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell,
> cause I've
> > just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving"
> >
> > End of job.
> > End of marriage.
> > End of story.


DON'T WORRY, BE CRABBY

These came from the book called "Don't Worry, Be Crabby"

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work
in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner
or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside
me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take
another road. That's why the highway department made so
many of them.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the
phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the
receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
he hangs up.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real
mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try
to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them
a noogie or an Indian burn.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent
perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of
bright people.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in
a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the
relatives stay over.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with
vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is
your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a
friend who messes up the carpet and drools on newspapers.

Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and
idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer
still to ignore someone completely.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on
your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't
want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to
throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath,
Step 2: count to 10,
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.


A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday
night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for
Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?"
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for
Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the
door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck"

The farmer shot him.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw
on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling
bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just
as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged
from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I
wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


CELL PHONE WARNING
Darwin Awards Urban Legend

You may not be aware of a recent incident where a motorist 
suffered severe burns when his cell phone ignited gasoline 
fumes at a gas station.

"Read your handbook!" manufacturers warn. Motorola,
Ericsson, and Nokia all print cautions in their user
handbooks that warn against using mobile phones near gas
stations, fuel storage sites, chemical refineries, and
nuclear reactors.

Electronic devices at gas stations are protected with
explosive containment devices, making them safe to use
around volatile hydrocarbons. Cell phones, on the other
hand, and other high-voltage battery appliances, are not
shielded. They are in clear danger of producing small
sparks.

Exxon has begun to place warning stickers on its gasoline
pumps.

All I can say is, finally! 
A solution to the obnoxious cell phone driver problem.

http://www.DarwinAwards.com


WHAT DO YOU CALL...

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell
out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help... after it bites your leg off.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how, after the
worship service, he was going to ask the congregation to
come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs
to the Church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know
what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service, " he said impatiently. "But
you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty. The roof repairs
cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star
Spangled Banner."

And that was how the substitute became the regular organist.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Among the tidbits to be found in the "Raw Data" column by
Baird Jones in the new issue of Night magazine 
(published in New York):

~Drawing graffiti on cows is illegal in Texas. 
~Luke Perry puts sunblock on his pet pig's snout.
~Edgar Allan Poe was expelled from West Point because he
showed up for a parade naked.
~Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of getting peanut butter
stuck to the roof of your mouth.


HOW TO DESCRIBE AN IDIOT:

A few fries short of a happy meal.

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

A few bricks shy of a full load.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on
the heel.

Fell out of the stupid tree and hit all of the branches on
the way down.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

A few clowns short of a circus.

If he had another brain it would be lonely.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam no beer.

The cheese slid off of his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Her sewing machine is out of thread.

His antenna doesn't get all of the channels.

Missing a few buttons on the remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little too
far apart.


VERY SICK

>These stories are horrible - you have been warned!!!!!!
>
>
>> IF YOU ARE OF SENSITIVE DISPOSITION DO NOT READ ON.
>>
>> A Strange but true story (allegedly) emphasising the
>> importance of food hygiene. A woman had been absent
>> from college for a number of weeks. When she returned
>> one of her close friends was curious as to why she had been
>> sick for so long. the following story emerged.
>>
>> The woman and her boyfriend enjoyed involving food in their
>> foreplay,mars bars, cream, syrup, gravy, peanut butter, you
>> name it. One day the boyfriend, before going to work, made his
>> sandwiches for the day: tuna, mayonnaise leaving the leftover
>> tuna Mayo lying out on the kitchen top.
>>
>> He went to work, came home, had dinner and relaxes in for a
>> night in with his girlfriend. Time passes and the pair of
>> them get in the mood and start "doing the do".
>>
>> The boyfriend leaps up,after "yodelling in the canyon" for a while, and
>> remembers the tuna Mayo. He gets the tuna Mayo off
>> the kitchen table begins to slap it all over his girlfriend's
>> body (applying voluminous amounts to her vaginal area) and
>> starts to lick it off). Two days later after their night of tuna
Mayo
>
>> lust
>> has passed, the couple start to feel very ill. The boyfriend
>> first , he seems to be unable to stop vomiting and the
>> girlfriend later who keeps on getting severe stomach cramps. The
>> boyfriend
>> puts this down to eating the tuna Mayo that had been lying out
uncovered
>
>> all day, and sure enough his jippy belly soon eases off after day or >> so.
His girlfriend, however,continues to feel ill, her pain worsening >> and her
abdominal area becoming increasingly sore and tender. This >> goes on for a few
more days until the girlfriend can't even get out >> of her bed for the pain
in her crotch and abdominal area. So her
>> boyfriend takes her to the doctors, who recommends she sees a
>> gynaecologist. hinking she may have cervical cancer, the
gynaecologist
>
>> checks her out and to his horror discovers far inside the woman's
>> vagina is a swarm of maggots that have been eating into her
>> upper vaginal cavity.
>>
>> Apparently what happened was the tuna Mayo, after being left
>> uncovered, in the sun, attracted a number of flies,
>> who naturally laid their eggs, which the boyfriend ate and
>> the girlfriend "incubated"!
>>
>>
>> DO NOT READ THIS BEFORE OR STRAIGHT AFTER YOU HAVE EATEN!!!!
>>
>> TRUE STORY...........
>>
>> This woman went through the drive thru of Burger King for
>> lunch a couple of years ago. She ordered a chicken sandwich (the
>> breaded kind...before spicy chicken or grilled chicken became
>> big sellers for BK) and specifically requested NO MAYO because
>> she couldn't stand the stuff. She drove away without confirming
>> that she got what she ordered. As she drove, she began to eat the
>> sandwich and realized that there was mayo on it. She was none
>> too pleased but was so hungry that she ate it anyway. When she got
>> about
>> halfway through the sandwich, she began to feel very ill. She stopped >>
eating the sandwich but felt increasingly worse as she continued to >> drive.
>>
>> She felt so bad that she drove herself to the hospital
>> emergency room. She took her sandwich with her since she started
feeling
>
>> bad after eating the sandwich.The hospital performed tests on both
her
>
>> and
>> the sandwich and found out the following...the sandwich actually didn't >>
have any mayo on it.
>> In reality, the chicken had a tumor on its breast. When the chicken
>> was breaded and fried,
>> the tumor burst inside the breaded chicken breast. The mayo-like
>substance
>> was actually
>> puss from the tumor. Kind of makes you want to swear off fast food and >>
mayo, doesn't it!
>>
>>
>> ANOTHER TRUE STORY......
>> This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped
>> off at a Taco Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on
>> the way home. That night she noticed her jaw was kind of
>> tight and swollen. The next day it was a little worse so she went to >>
her doctor.
>> He said she was just having an allergic reaction to something
>> and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help. After a
>> couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly >>
move her jaw.
>> .
>> She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong.
>> Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some tests. They
>> scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and
>> they also took some saliva samples. Well, they found out what
>was
>> wrong.
>> Apparently her chicken soft taco had a pregnant cockroach in the one
>she
>> ate!!!! The
>> eggs then somehow got into her saliva glands and she was incubating
>> them. They had to
>> remove a couple layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out.
>If
>> they hadn't figured out what was
>> going on, the eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her
>> mouth!!!!!!!!!!


Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday
in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
cage at the Bronx Zoo. 

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent
the bars, lept to the ground and ravished her. Then he went
back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
thumping on his massive chest. 

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted
her clothes, turned to her companion and said, "We shall
never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun
consented. 

Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close
friends, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the
second nun asked her friend, "I know I agreed never to talk
about the event at the zoo but I have one question." 

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!" 

The first nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?" 

"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never
phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"


More than a dozen states are about to regulate teen body
piercing, their current fashion rage.

Among the most common restrictions:

~Belly button chains may not be tethered to a barnyard
animal.
~Procedure may not be performed with shishkabob skewer from
Benihana of Tokyo.
~Tongue studs not allowed for teens with less than a 50 word
vocabulary.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in
the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. 

So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a
think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty,
with all the trauma it had caused. 

So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a
gift. 

"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with
remorse. 

"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do
this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really
expensive, that I don't need." 

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.


YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

Your potted plants stay alive.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You carry an umbrella.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and
break-up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.


Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'

You're the one calling the police because those kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese
diet pepsi & twinkies.


'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never
going to drink that much again'

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

You don't pre-party at home, to save money, before going to
a bar.


Dear Dr Ruth
 
  I'm writing to tell you my problem.  It seems that I'm married 
to a sex maniac for 22 years.

  He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, ironing, washing dishes,
sleeping, etc.  I would like to know if there is anything yfofd mahdy bbjejk
dffdhjk fgduifdgfudshgfjkhfdlg gfdhggfhd gfdu ioghfg oigfdhgsp.

  Regjbaroiihds

  Lfdhufdccy


AIRLINE TERMINOLOGY

PASSENGER -- A herding creature of widely varying intellect,
usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become
vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified
situations. When frightened or confused these creatures
collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has
no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. 
Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus
latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -- Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes
before departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -- A passenger who arrives at the gate as
the jetway is coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -- Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION -- Usually can be identified by the
fact that these passengers are in first class and are
dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue
position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to
prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first
class passenger charges.

GROUP -- A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger)
traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets,
usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time
of five minutes before departure, or until there are no
seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation
agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as
this may convenience them.

SIGN -- An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by
small children. Its primary function is to hide the
location of various areas of the airport (i.e., gate
numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.).

POSITION CLOSED -- This is a sign posted at various counter
locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says,
"Form line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM -- The most difficult area of the airport to
find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying,
"Baggage Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -- An item, usually of large dimensions, which
somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the
inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the
following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles,
steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen
projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -- An entertaining work of paperback
fiction.

ON-TIME -- An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -- A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs
around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. 
Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay
flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -- A game played by airline pilots and
air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither
side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent
flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT -- A superhuman with the patience of a saint,
the herding ability of an Australian sheep dog the E.S.P.
abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts,
and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities
to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather
phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions
at one time, while talking on the phone, and without
stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they
start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.



The judge fined a motorist $25 for speeding, and gave him a
receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?"
snapped the driver sarcastically.

"No, save it," replied the judge. "When you get three you
get a bicycle."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


An Issaquah, Wash., man apparently became frustrated with
his personal computer, pulled out a gun and shot it. The
computer, located in the man's home office, had four bullets
holes in its hard drive and one in the monitor. Police
evacuated the man's townhouse complex, contacted the irate
PC owner by phone, and persuaded him to come out. "We don't
know if it wouldn't boot up or what," says one of the police
officers at the scene. 
~St. Petersburg Times 07/20/97


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they
did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian
reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were
herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old
man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which
his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits
doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for
their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited
and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity
for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape
recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they
asked the son to translate. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation,
where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but
refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called in an official government
translator. He reported that the moon message said,
"Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your
land."


AOHELLP LINE

AOHELL:
America Online, this is Tammy speaking.

Caller:
Hi, I have some questions about American Online before
I join.

AOHELL:
Okay, Sir, what's your question?

Caller:
Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something
called "cybersex"... does this cost extra?

AOHELL:
(muffled laugh in the background) Well Sir... I don't know
how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America
Online.

Caller:
Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOHELL.

AOHELL:
Well it's something members typically do when they go to a
chat room.

Caller:
Hmmmm... I don't understand, what is cybersex?

AOHELL:
I'm sorry, Sir, I really don't know how to explain it.

Caller:
Hmmm... well, have you ever had cybersex?

AOHELL:
Sir, I don't think that's an appropriate question to be
asking me. Is there anything else you need?

Caller:
Sorry, like I said I don't even know what it is.

AOHELL:
That's okay Sir, anything else?

Caller:
Yes, I have one more question.

AOHELL:
Go ahead...

Caller:
What are you wearing?

AOHELL:
*click*


A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job
that was likely to stretch over several months. He
approached the owner of the property and held up the check
he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we
agreed on," he said. 

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two
hundred dollars, and you never complained." 

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional
mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to
call it to your attention." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and
her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he
can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the
dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the
woman is very sceptical in believing this and goes home. A
few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.

Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and
grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dog's testicles,
and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns from being out with his
friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman is desperate
and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to
the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it
around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also works on
him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He
stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in
front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue
ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He
walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached
to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I
don't remember what the hell happened last night, but where
ever you and I were, we got first and second place."


God was fed up.

In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and 
Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed.
"You each have one week to prepare your followers for the
end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found
themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news
and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that
there is a God. The BAD news is, God's really mad and plans
to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I
have bad news and WORSE news. The bad news is that we were
wrong: there is a God after all. The worse news is God's mad
and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers.
"I have good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God
considers me one of the three most influential men on
Earth," he beamed. 

"The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 95 or 98."


GOREISMS

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school
so I could converse with those people."
-- Al Gore

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Al Gore

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow
astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat
the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We
have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and
water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a
mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history. But we all
lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'" 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good
judgments in the future." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in
the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history." 
-- Vice President Al Gore 

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." 
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. 
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of
Europe." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Public speaking is very easy." 
-- Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
to the polls." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing
in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to
blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. 
-- Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
not having it." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach
our children." 
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes
that Al Gore may or may not make." 
--Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to
enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." 
-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

TOP TEN HILLIARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different
Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You
Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give
You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My
Husband Over It"

And the NUMBER ONE Hilliary Clinton Campaign Slogan ...

1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"


During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight
was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed
the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away
from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They
were then told the new gate number, which was some distance
away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a
third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as
they were settling in, the flight attendant made the
standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience
of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to
Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington,
D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the
cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."


TYPES OF WOMEN YOU FIND IN THE POWDER ROOM

Indifferent: Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop", pulls
crotch of panties aside and squats with great force,
rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down.
Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being
poured from a third story window.

Cautious: Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from
toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush,
pees on her nylons. 

Worried: A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting
days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it
hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing
deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash
hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again. 

Conceited: Approaches toilet with undulating movements,
giving the other girls high-fives. Raises dress by
fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a
lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such
lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and
stinks like a goat. 

Sloppy: Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all
over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags
her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges
with back of skirt caught in pants. 

Timid: Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in
the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet,
squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs,
hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet
can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing. 

Cross-Eyed: Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and
pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her
visits to the can and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.
Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat". 

Literary: Always takes book of the month to the can with
her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles. 

Big Time: Always leaves toilet door open while she chats
and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last
night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and
"Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed
with a man. 

Drunk: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages
to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter,
pees for awhile singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts
sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to
pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob. 



Hillary Clinton is thinking of running for Senate. "Don't
kid yourself. The woman is serious about this. Earlier
today she held a press conference to deny that she had ever
slept with the president."
~David Letterman

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

NEWSFLASH!

Duke University Medical Center is reporting an
unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:
A child was born with both male and female organs...
A penis and a brain.


It seems a new girl moved into town and attended the local
high school. It did not take long for the rumors to fly that
she was easy...

The most interesting rumor abounding was that she was,
indeed a man, with all equipment intact and working.

None of the school jocks had had the pleasure of her company
yet and were, needless to say, curious...

They all drew straws to see who would ask her out and
uncover the truth.

Poor Harry was the chosen victim.

The new girl accepted his invitation for a movie and
whatever.

After viewing the movie Harry took his date to a secluded
parking spot and began the business he was designated for.

After some heavy kissing and dry humping, the young lady
excused herself, as she said, to go to the bathroom.

Harry thought, "AHA, now we find out." Harry very slowly
opened the car door to take a peek.

As the young lady squatted in the darkness, Harry could see,
by the light of the moon, a long dark shadow dangling
between her legs...

Harry reached out and grabbed the appendage, and yelled,
"I've got you now!"

The young lady, startled, replied, "Oooh! I didn't know you
were back there looking!"

Harry, wiping his hand, said, "I Didn't know you were taking
a shit either."


This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General
Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't
it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, we will be teaching
them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a
firearm."

INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?"

...the radio went silent and the interview ended.


The reason there are two senators for each state is so that
one can be the designated driver. 
~Jay Leno

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Cletus Washington goes for an interview at a radio
station. He is seeking a high paying announcer job.

That evening his friend asks..." Cletus did you get
the announcer job?"

N-o-o... d-dd-ey... b-bb-e-e-e... ag-ag-against...
bl-bl-bl-bbbl-ack... p-p-p-ppppeoppp-le.



SADISTIC DAY BRIGHTENERS - CHEER UP!! 

There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a
hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.

Your neighbors drink better beer than you, but
they voted for Clinton, and now they have to
face the mirror with shame every morning.

Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your
knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now,
and she has arthritis.

If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone.
Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by
Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)

The worse things get,...
the less you have to lose!

You'll be happy to know that your local
newspaper is made of 50% recycled material.
(That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)

Miss Manners has finally been discredited.
It's rude to tell other people what to do!

Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too.
It's lewd to tell other people about their poo.

Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban
housewife backs the family car through the garage door.

No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your
old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.

The time you spent reading this email could've been
spent more productively. But you're not bothered
because you're one of those well-adjusted people who
really doesn't care about anything.


The Orange County Register (Calif. newspaper) had an article
entitled "Dates from Hell". It featured letters from
various people about their experiences. Here are a few
(names deleted):

THE RESTAURANT TIRADE

My date and I were drinking coffee and eating ice cream in a
restaurant. I was enjoying his extravagant compliments when
I saw a snarling woman walk up behind him.

She addressed him for all to hear and he spun around. He
made hasty, embarrassed introductions. "Does your friend
know you're engaged to be married?" she yelled. "How would
you like it if I pulled her long hair out by the roots?" she
threatened. Her tirade went on for 30 minutes.

You may wonder why I let it go on for so long. Well, when
you're a senior citizen, you don't get this kind of
excitement.


SHOPPING AT SEARS

I was not impressed when my date showed up in 100 percent
polyester, including outdated bell-bottoms that were
checkered and much too short, revealing white socks and
slip-on, non-leather shoes.

His car didn't look much better. I've never made it a point
to ask guys what kind of car they drive, but it's worth
knowing if a car is safe to ride in. His definitely wasn't. 
It was a huge, old "boat"-style car, rusted out and sporting
a crack in the windshield. Beneath my feet was a factory
recall notice from 1968.

As we journeyed on, my only hope was that he would make it
safely to the restaurant he had chosen for me, one of his
favorites, he said. He pulled into the parking lot of a
place known for its "blue plate specials" and rubbery
quiche.

After that he treated me to a free concert, but we agreed
the band was pretty bad. He suggested we continue the
evening by shopping at Sears for a bicycle he had seen in a
sale flier.


THE SHORT-OF-CHANGE ARTIST

My date asked me to go with him and some friends to a
Raiders game on one of those bus package deals... The bus
provided free beer in cans and he wanted me to smuggle
several cans into the coliseum. I gave him my jacket and
said he could take the responsibility for smuggling.

After the game, we emerged to a parking lot of about 10,000
buses that looked alike. All 10,000 had their motors
running, and we began walking through the fumes looking for
our bus. As we walked we came upon dozens of beer-filled
men relieving themselves against the tires of the closely
parked buses.

Then, one by one, those buses pulled away without us. 
Finally, it was just me and my date in a dark parking lot in
a strange neighborhood. We walked across the street to a
liquor store, where he went to the men's room again. Then he
called a cab and I had to pay the $26 fare because he had no
money.


An inexperienced guy took a girl home to her apartment where
she suggested that they try a 69. 

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not really knowing how to explain she said "I'll put my head
between your legs and you put yours between mine."

Willing to give it a try but still unsure he agreed but just
as he got his head between her legs she let out a riproaring
fart!. 

"What the hell was that!" he said.
"Ooops sorry lets try it again" she said.

On the second attempt the same thing happened so the guy got
up and started getting dressed. 

The girl asked, "Where are you going?" at which the guy
replied, "Well if you think I'm hanging around for another
67 of those you're mistaken!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"



MORE "DATES FROM HELL";

LESS THAN FINE DINING

At 5-foot-10 and 250 pounds, my date panted heavily after
walking eight blocks to the restaurant. It was a sports bar
filled with shouting, swearing, drinking men watching a
Lakers-Celtics game.

In the middle of eating our dinner a fight erupted at the
next table. Food flew in the air and tables were turned
over. It took several bouncers to end the fight, which left
one man with torn clothing and a broken nose.

My date seemed oblivious to the surroundings and couldn't
understand why I wasn't eating. I told him I felt sick and
needed some air. I needed a long walk to recover from the
evening.


THE LAUNDRY LIST OF LOSERS

A miserable date? Just one?

1. The man who claimed his sense of humor was his greatest
asset and demonstrated it by doing Groucho Marx imitations
all through dinner at a fancy restaurant.

2. The man who said he saw a "daddy" when he looked in the
mirror and asked (on the first and only date) if I was
ovulating.

3. The man who demanded a list of the "specific skills and
strengths" that I could bring to a relationship, as well as
an analysis of the "self-destructive patterns" that caused
my divorce.

4. The man whose first words were "I'm sorry, I've got to
concentrate on getting well tonight" and who spent most of
the evening stuffing Vicks Vaporub up his nose.

Oh, never mind; it goes downhill from there.


SELF-REALIZATION AND SUSHI

After attending a religious ceremony at my date's
"self-realization temple" and eating a sushi dinner, we
returned to my apartment for poetry reading. He had found
many scraps of paper buried in his battered car, which he
admitted to sleeping in often. He insisted on reading all
of them in his most dramatic voice.

After I had a few glasses of wine during his reading, I had
the courage to show him some of my poetry. He read one or
two, tossed them aside and said, "I'll reserve judgement on
these."

He then began a lengthy tirade on the artistic soul and how
it can feel any emotion, whether it be male or female.

Then he wanted to select different music. He started going
through my albums because, he said, they were better than
the tapes, which were made from those very same albums. He
became very upset when I told him the turntable didn't work. 
He told me that I should take better care of my things. 
This harassment from a guy who sleeps in his car?

I finally got him out of my apartment after fighting off
more than just a first-date kiss.


PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL TERMS AND THEIR REAL MEANINGS

Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else


A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome
of ladies are hitting from the ladie's tee. The ladies are
taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to
hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it,
hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting
and says apologetically:

"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't
help."

One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there's
your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons
instead."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Red meat is NOT bad for you. 
Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. 
~Tommy Smothers



A trucker had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a
steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep
grade on the other side when he sees a man and a woman
making love in the middle of the highway.

He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on
them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his
way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from
them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked
to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in
the road and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you
two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been
killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too
concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with
brakes."


A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she asked each 
> >
> >>one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The >
> >>first daughter wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a 
> >
> >>single message, #Maxwell Coffee-house#. The Mother was confused but
> > >>finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad and it said;
> > >>
> > >>#Satisfaction to the last drop...#
> > >>
> > >>So, Mother was happy. Then the second daughter got married and after a 
> >
> >>week she sent home her reply.
> > >>
> > >>The message read; #Rothmans#. So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad,
> > >>and it says;
> > >>
> > >>#LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE#.
> > >>
> > >>And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was
> > >>anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through.
> > >>
> > >>When it did the message was simply #BRITISH AIRWAYS#. Mother was so >
> >>concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home > 
> >>looking
>for a BA ad. She finally found one and fainted.The ad read:
> > >>
> > >>#FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.


Position Available Immediately: 
Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side
Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal
candidate for this position would like galactic travel and
possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the
Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties
include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on
intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning
initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and
operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and
high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of
the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using
the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would
possess good communications skills (especially when speaking
in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented
individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the
Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically
be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant
course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic
projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's
license (for all classes of ships), and must show a
willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record
of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is
also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic
languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also
have no children or other living relatives who are strong in
the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several
weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with
experience, and is extremely competitive for this field.
Benefits include a generous severance package, a company
starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The
Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the
Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based
organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans.
Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see
the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted
until the end of August. 

******************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused
organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away.
Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of
harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term
desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction
to our partner organizations through knowledge management,
incident control and our rapid on-site intervention
expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial
Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many
large software companies.



Duct tape is like the Force...
it has a light side and a dark side and it binds the
Universe together.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I hear pseudo philosopher's go on about the importance of
"dog" being "god" backwards and other such nonsense. It
doesn't concern me much, because I figure if God were
humping people legs we'd have heard about it by now. 
~Davejames


"Are You Normal?" -
{A survey about Americans, their habits and actions.}

Facts about Americans. Did you know that...

AROUND THE HOUSE
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women
trust their husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years
ago it was a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there
a correlation????)


HABITS
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order
with singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie
theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.


FOOD
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight
from the carton.
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.


HYGIENE
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without
makeup on.
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight.
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using
the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat
down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim
to ALWAYS find it up.


DRIVING
* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
(and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either)
* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
(This is hard to believe. Get on a highway and go
the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not
passing you? I doubt it)
* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
* 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
* 71% can drive a stick shift car.
* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in
front of them.


WHAT WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our
offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.


RELIGION
* 90% believe in divine retribution.
* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
(That's one Commandment per person on average)
* 82% believe in an afterlife.
* 45% believe in ghosts.
* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not
Counting Casper)
* 49% believe in ESP.


DAILY LIVING
* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding
anniversary (mostly men).
* 59% of us say we're average looking.
* Less than 10% are trilingual.
* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on
their VCR.
* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
* 44% reuse tinfoil.
* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix
to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
* 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite
sex.
* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every
year.
* 20% of women consider their parents to be their
best friends.


LOVE & SEX
* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
* Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's
hand.
* 29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many
claim they are?)
* The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.
* Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say
it's 4".
* 56% of men have had sex at work.
* 60% of men and 54% of women have had a one
night stand.
* Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.
* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
* 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue!)
(And what percent said yes?)


SOURCE: Debra Gardner debra.gardner@cmdg.com
Construction Market Data Group



What did one saggy tit say to the other?

We better straighten up or everyone is gonna think 
we're nuts.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 20 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you
man and wife."


A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and
can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his
dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices
there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to
be a bra. He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last
night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other
pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, "What happened last
night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,"
making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the
mirror. He notices a little white string hanging out of his
mouth and his only thought is "If there's a God, please let
this be a tea bag."


"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will
be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of
your penises. All of you males, take off your dicks and hand
them to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a
receipt. After we see land, you can get your dicks back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage
and was very excited. "Quick!" he said "Get on my shoulders
and look out the window to see if there is any land out
there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out
the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr.
Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up
with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for
forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will
we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every
day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as
he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"


What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Thief Breaks In, Falls Asleep 

PORT OF SPAIN, Trinidad (Reuters) - A Trinidadian thief who
broke into a house was caught because he fell asleep in the
kitchen.

Magistrate Cheryl Ann Blake, presiding at the Arima court in
the country's eastern region, Tuesday sentenced Leroy
Antoine, 54, to five years in jail, court officials said.

The snoozing crook was caught by the owner of the house,
Nigel Balbickram, earlier this month.

The court heard from prosecutor Victor Singh that Antoine,
who had eight previous convictions for housebreaking and
larceny, was found sleeping on a chair in the kitchen.

A bag of stolen food was found next to him.


A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes
into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is
50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well,
then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am
there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries". Only a little
flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says,
"In that case, let it read, 
'Billy Bob died - Blue Pickup for Sale'."


SCIENCE IN A NUTSHELL
by 5th and 6th graders

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on
the top, and you sit on the bottom.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and
then forcing it through an aviator.

The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live
in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look
like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun,
but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they
are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the
victim is dead.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg
and up the other.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is
singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big
enough to be called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of
the Earth because so many people are stomping around there
these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never
mind.


The President and Mrs. Clinton went to opening day of
Baseball season. Suddenly, just at the start of the game,
Bill threw Hillary onto the field. 

"No!" exclaimed the chief of staff, "You were supposed to
throw out the first PITCH!" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new
Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to
see the plant manager, and told him, "When I buy a $50,000
car I expect the damn radio to work."

The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the
radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and
Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he
exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy
listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.

Finally relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and
listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two
good ol' boys almost ran him off the road.

"STUPID REDNECKS!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown
Ohioooooo Staaaate!!!!"



Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas.

The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they
returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around
at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms &
hollers 7 come 11 all night & I haven't had a wink of
sleep!"

The second guy says "I know what you mean... my old lady
played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps
the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard
and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! ... my
old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I
wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of
quarters."


Many years ago, After a round of talks, Nixon and Brezhnev
drink a little vodka and get into a discussion.

NIXON: I hear you have a lot of drunks in the Soviet Union.

BREZHNEV: Not so! That's capitalist propaganda!

NIXON: No, I'm sure of it. You have a lot of drunks!

BREZHNEV: Nonsense. I'll prove it. You can go out at any
hour of the night tonight, and I'll give you a machine gun.
If you see any drunk you can kill him!

NIXON: Ahhh! Very good... (Evil smile)

That night, at 1am, Nixon decides to go out. Brezhnev phones
Andropov, who is head of the KGB, and tells him to get all
the drunks off the street. So Nixon and Brezhnev go cruising
around Moscow, Nixon carrying the machine gun in his lap.
They drive for two hours - and not a single drunk. Nixon
is in the throws of despair, and they are about to head back
in, when he spots one lone drunk - staggering everywhere -
who has escaped the dragnet.

Nixon rolls down the window and blows the guy away.

Three months later, Brezhnev comes to the U.S., and after
negotiating with Nixon, they have some Vodka again.

BREZHNEV: Dick, I hear you Americans are a bunch of drunks.

NIXON: Not true. We're hard working people.

BREZHNEV: That's not what I heard. I want the same deal I
gave you, machine gun and all. At 1:00.

So Nixon calls the police and the FBI and tells them to get
all the drunks off the road. The two of them go cruising
around in a limo, Brezhnev with a machine gun on his lap.
Three hours - absolutely nothing. Brezhnev was tired and
says, "Okay, Dick, you win. I'm tired. Let's go home."

Suddenly, as they're heading back to the White House, they
see a group of 11 people walking down the street, blitzed
out of their minds.

Elated, Brezhnev rolls down the window and blows them all
away.

Headline next morning in the Washington Post:

FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF SOVIET EMBASSY!


http://38.202.164.75/hasponsors
<a href="http://38.202.164.75/hasponsors">
Win One of 2 Sony Vaio Slimtop LCD Computers!</a>


What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into his
office all wrapped up in cellophane?

I can clearly see your nuts.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

COMPUTER RELATED ACRONYMS

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW - World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating
System Hangs
LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.



A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at
night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a
dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is
welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you,
you're welcome to stay here, too!"


A husband and wife love to golf together,but neither of them
are playing like they want to, so they decide to take
private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After
the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping
the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd
hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He
hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man
goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't
wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club
way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a
swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. 
. . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.

"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like
you're supposed to!"


A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and
everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here
because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a
flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a
flood?" he asked.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


"Visiting a Native American village, an anthropologist
noticed that the chief had three wives. One was sitting on
a cow hide, another on a deer hide, and on the other side of
the teepee his third wife was seated on a hippopotamus
hide. 

The anthropologist was intrigued, and asked the chief if
there was any reason this, and why this wife was sitting
apart from the other two. 

The chief replied that there was indeed a very good reason. 
The hippopotamus hide was of great value, and the woman
seated on this was his favourite wife.

You see, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum
of the squaws on the other two hides."


Moments when saying nothing might have worked out better...

Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever."
*Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country."
*Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC 

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
*Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and
stuff."
*Mariah Carey, pop singer 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president."
*Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents 

"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here
to preserve disorder."
*Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party Convention 

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were
before."
*Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
*Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery 

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
*Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana ... The
researchers also discovered other similarities between the
two, but can't remember what they are."
*Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
*Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark 

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on,
but they take them off."
*Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of
pliers 

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people
who make them unsafe"
*Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia 

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to
keep."
*Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King
Live"

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of
principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce
the appointment of David Steele to the post."
*Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington,
Rhode Island 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jack ass, and I'm just the one to do it."
*A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
*General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam

"Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep
thinker and stuff..."
*Billy Ray Cyrus 


Great Comebacks for the typical AOHell chat IMs:

UdoMeFirst: Wanna go to a private room?

Reply:

I'd rather use my own hand and talk dirty to it.

I'd rather scoot down a slide of razor blades into a pool of
rubbing alcohol.

I'd rather fall off the roof of my house and dangle by my
eyelid from a nail.

I'd rather put my hand in a blender full of Chile's... and
set it on grate.

I'd rather eat a pan of brownies... then discover it was
stool samples... collected from the dog for the vet.

I would rather put crunchy peanut butter in my underwear...
and have someone give me a wedgie.

I would rather strip naked... roll in Alpo... and parachute
into a junkyard guarded by starving rottweilers.

I would rather do a bikini wax... with duct tape.

I would rather roll around in saw dust... and pet a rabid
beaver.

I'd rather climb a tree... barefoot and naked... and slide
all the way back down.

I'd rather sip boiling hot tea... made from a used tampon.

I would rather be dragged behind a tractor trailer... on a
300 mile run... in nothing but my underwear.

I would rather have an umbrella opened... after it's been
shoved up my ass.

I would rather stick a corn cob up a wild tiger's ass... in
a telephone booth.

I'd rather suck on a used tampon.

I would rather shovel shit in hell... while sucking the
devil's dick.

I would rather eat dog shit... with a spoon... while
watching a porno movie... starring Bill Clinton.

I'd rather chew on shards of broken glass... while having a
battery-acid enema!

I'd rather drive a diaper truck... in the middle of July...
with the windows sealed shut... and no nose plugs.

I would rather jerk off a mountain lion... with a fistful of
glass... in a phone booth.

I would rather slide naked, down a hill of razor blades. I
would rather drown in a barrel of snot.

I'd rather wipe my ass with 40 grit sand paper... after a
case of the runs and inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather eat corn out of a loose bowel movement... then
play tonsil hockey with you.

I'd rather eat a foreskin salad... prime choice mucky 
meat... and scrotum sac souffl.

I would rather die like a bug... suffocating in the storm
window of a 400lb man... while he struts his rolls for me to
see.

I would rather eat a live rat... with fleas.

I would rather lick the feet of two starving hippie
lovers... in the summer time!

I'd rather crawl through a mile of barbed wire... and jerk
off on Phyllis Diller's shadow.

I'd rather have my fingernails and toenails pulled out one
by one... then have alcohol poured on the bloody gaping
holes.

I'd rather swim in gator infested waters... with my hands
tied behind my back... and a raw steak in my mouth.

I'd rather watch an adult movie... while wearing sandpaper
underwear.

I would rather eat the ass end... of a menstrual skunk.

I'd rather eat cow plops... while standing in the outhouse
on a hot summer day... while flies and bees land on my
fanny.

I would rather take a shower... in gasoline... while playing
with matches!

I'd rather lick a pool of vomit out of a urinal... while a
dog humps my ass... and two drunks piss on me.

I'd rather have from two fish hooks pierced through each
nostril.

Have sex with the automatic milking machine... the one that
shuts off only after three gallons are collected.

Experience bleeding inflamed hemorrhoids.

I would rather be put in hot fiery liquid and be tarred and
feathered.

Have stomach flu... at a gas station... in August... on
vacation... with no toilet paper... and a truckload of
briars waiting for me to leave.

Drink tea... that was strained through the crotch of panty
hose... which were last worn by your wife... and not washed.

I would rather pierce my ears... with hot BBQ forks... and
dangle live mice from the holes.

I'd rather give myself a manicure... with a chainsaw... and
a facial... with a cow manure mud pack.

I'd rather have all my teeth pulled... without anesthetic
... by a blind dentist... armed only with a wooden spoon.

I'd rather hand wash your socks... in cold water... then
drink the rinse water over ice... while toasting AOL.

I'd rather crawl a mile... through broken glass... to see my
ex-husband... marrying my sister.

UdoMeFirst: Uhmm, Does that mean no?


On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." 

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will
that help?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Tech Support: 
"I need you to right-click on the Desktop."

Customer: 
"Ok."

Tech Support: 
"Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: 
"No."

Tech Support: 
"Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: 
"No."

Tech Support: 
"Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"

Customer: 
"Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


Y2K HAIKU

Millennium parties
with loud music, lights and joy;
then, how cold!

Stupid programmer,
think ahead next time, when the
power's back.

Windows 98 is
compliant with minor bugs,
store water!

Hire more programmers
for Y2K Bug now -- Oops,
lights are out!

Y2K is just
a scam for consultants -- hey
Martial law!

Two digits lost,
the railroad switch spills coal --
scavengers!


Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC!

"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from 
moving car!"

Don't laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!

Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that
headline and are contemplating similar action against you
the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at
them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!

MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!

If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop
Syndrome) could you be sure the appropriate authorities
would find your chopped member in time and intact?? Could
you be sure the penis part they found was yours??

Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan! *

Plan 1: We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo
them with their own unique registration number, ensuring
that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match
every time.

Plan 2: Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell
sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you
in the event a trailer-tractor runs over your penis, or some
wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew toy.

Plan 3: For those of you who believe in prevention, we
offer a one size fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel
jockstrap that can be worn when necessary. When you are
asleep an alarm will be activated when metal or other
hazardous objects come within one foot of the jockstrap.
This will guarantee you a full nights sleep, free of worry.

Don't get caught short...
Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!

Remember.... the dick you save could be your own!

* PRICES VARY ACCORDING TO SIZE.



Honesty is the best policy...
but insanity is a better defense.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I love sex...
it's free and doesn't require special shoes.


WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!

WASHINGTON, D.C. --

The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet
Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe
without question every groundless story, legend, and dire
warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser.

The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes
people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating
to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and
get-rich-quick schemes [perhaps conspiracy theories should
be included here].

"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy
lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a
spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would
laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a
streetcorner."

However, once these same people become infected with the
Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the
Internet.

"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone,"
reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning
message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even
though most of the messages are anonymous."

Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first
heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question.
After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail
header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long
time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a
Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and
I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the
word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms
of the virus, which include the following:

* the willingness to believe improbable stories without
thinking.

* the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to
others.

* a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if
a story is true.

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told
one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient
in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've
stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility
Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he
would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help
immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of
gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search
engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless
credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been
widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available,
and there is online help from many sources, including:

* Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html


When you think about it, there are only two things you need
to make people:

You've got to have sex; you've got to have food. That's it.
You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but
otherwise, it's sex and food.

But for some reason, sex is thought of as dirty. Maybe God
is a Republican, and He said, "All right, if you want to
propagate go ahead, but only late at night while listening
to Pastor Fry's Meditations with the bedroom door closed,
once a week, the husband on top."

But not only can you eat the charred, decaying flesh of
other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and
invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you
come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up,
burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids -- we'll have a hell
of a time."

What if they were switched around? What if, through a simple
twist of fate, sex were clean and food were dirty? Our
entire culture would change.

Food would become a four-letter word.

- When people got angry at you, they'd yell out, "Oh, yeah?
Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."

- Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.

- Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests.
"Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."

- Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do
this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of curly fries."

- Garlic would be illegal in most southern states.

- Supermakets would check IDs and charge admission to the
poultry section.

- Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

- Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the
buns, mister."

- Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers
and would move to the Bay Area.

- Most suburban school districts would ban Home Ec.

- Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street
corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big
boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna go crack some crab?"

- Christian Fundamentalists would make meat and potatoes a
religious tenet.

- Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

- Parents would tell their children, "Don't play with your
food or you'll go blind."

- Kids would remember the first time their mother caught
them marinating.

... Practice safe eating. Use condiments.



During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a
man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do
that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then
I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just
tell my wife!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was
enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite 
bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the 
manager said,

"Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the
diving board."


One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their
favorite lunch of fish and chips. Just as they were about to
tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted. 

"Watson stand up!" 

Confused, Watson stood up. 

"Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked. 

Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers. 

"Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered. 

Watson bent over. 

Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate
and shoved it straight up Watson's crack. 

Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes what on earth are you
doing?" 

To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson
... a lemon-entry ..." 


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are
met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you
all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six
months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and
*poof!* she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!*
she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but
that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit
and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and
starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says
"No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500
men in 7 days'!"



"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around
until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts,
gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in
the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't
good enough for me."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing
one another for some time. After inquiring about each
other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig
up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down
dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did
you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."


Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of
his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with
someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with
her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet
her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as
planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake
an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she
comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts...
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"


A little Military Humor to start your day...

Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry,
but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise
engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of
organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number
at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out 
the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up
and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
Consideration Of Others training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options,
please Listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for
the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and
good hotels, And can be solved by one or two low risk, high
altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States
Air Force. Please note this service is not available after
1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be
given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology
who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved
by a bit of Grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good
marching band, please write, Well in advance, to the United
States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk Missile service is
extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come,
first-served basis.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid
Deployment Force.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your
call will be routed to the United States Army Special
Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit
check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent
TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account
at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will
be classified. If you are interested in joining the Army and
wish to be shouted at, Paid little, have premature
arthritis, put your wife and family in a Condemned hut miles 
from civilization, and are prepared to work your *** off
daily, risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both
day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original
benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call
will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army
Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.

Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to
contact the United States Army.



Accept me for what I am...
completely unacceptable.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS

1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch 
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 
3. Fox In Detox 
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho 
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 
10. The Cat in the Blender 
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil 
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 
15. Aunts in My Pants 
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm 
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches 


By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel
room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he
pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air
Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to
split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the
past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take
it."

The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager. 

"Never better." 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring?" 

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching me."


Does your car make a statement? Probably so. Here's a list
of cars and the statements they make on their drivers'
behalf.

Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.

Acura Legendary
I'm too bland for German cars.

Acura NSX
I am impotent.

AMC Gremlin
I could only afford three-fourths of a Hornet.

AMC Marlin
My father wouldn't buy me a Camaro.

Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires

Audi 80
I thought the 4000s was too fast.

Austin-Healey 3000
I can put raw meat on the transmission hump and have a well
done steak by the time I arrive anywhere.

Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Buick Riviera Convertible
I'm not very smart, and I look like it too.

Buick Electra
Hey, it's 30-year old technology. But it's GOOD 30-year
old technology.

Buick Reatta
I like ugly, impractical, boring cars.

Cadillac Cimarron
I am stupid enough to pay extra money for an uglified
Chevrolet.

Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a
'Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette
I'm in a mid-life crisis.

Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.

Chrysler 5th Ave
Did the pushpins come free with the headliner?

Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather.

Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Charger
Reliable is boring. My car is exciting.

Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for
Eisenhower.

Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Fairmont
(See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when
I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all.

Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit.

Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop
280 days per year.

Jeep Wrangler
I am fiercely independent, just like all my friends with
Jeeps.

Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu.

Lotus Esprit
Ever pay $2000 for a tune up? I do.

Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.

MGB
I am dating a mechanic.

Mitsubishi Diamante
I don't know what it means either.

Mitsubishi Eclipse GST
Why accelerate? Because you can!

Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off
the parts.

Peugeot 505 Diesel
I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Fury
I like driving an air-conditioned sofa that can carry your
car in my trunk as a spare.

Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944
I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
inaccessible to me.

Renault 2CV
I think your car is ugly too.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
I think Pat Buchanan is a tad too liberal.

Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than
Isuzu.

Triumph TR6
I am an amateur mechanic who enjoys a challenge.

Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet.

Volkswagon Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet
I am out of the closet.

VW Rabbit GTi
My mom won't let me buy a Porsche 'til I finish Algebra.

VW Jetta
I stopped smoking pot when I got a real job after college.
I swear.

Volkswagon Microbus
I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife.

Volvo 240
Other drivers are unsafe. Let me go ahead and pull out in
front of this guy to slow him down.



Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is
essentially the same service.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and
a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. 
What should you do?

A: You shoot the lawyer... Twice.



AMERICA'S TEAM?

What do they call a drug ring in Dallas? A huddle.

There are 4 Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? 
The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore?
It's a parole violation for him to associate with known
felons.

The team doctor said because of Michael Irvin's fractured
wrist, it'll be 6 - 8 weeks before he can video tape a team
mate having sex.

The Chicago Bears are trying to trade for Michael Irvin.
They got rid of the "Refrigerator" and now they want a "Coke
Machine".

It was reported today that the artificial turf in Texas
Stadium is being replaced because the Cowboys play much
better on "grass".

The Dallas Cowboys have adopted a new "Honor System"...
"Yes, your Honor", "No, your Honor".

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year. 
12 arrests and 5 convictions.

In a move to strengthen their defense, the Dallas Cowboys
today hired a new defensive coordinator, Johnny Cochran.

How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp?
Studying the Miranda Rights.


The Successful Party List

So, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-ass,
party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!

FESTIVITY LEVEL ONE

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party
food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas
tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

FESTIVITY LEVEL TWO

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another.
They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks,
rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the
piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

FESTIVITY LEVEL THREE

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate
objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down
Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting
the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".

FESTIVITY LEVEL FOUR

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are
capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy
ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or
own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties
operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do
arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest
anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is
to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to
successfully handle this situation.

Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."

You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"

Police: "No, sir, not drugs."

You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"

Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."

You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't
any guns or drugs here, heh heh."

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did
they?"

Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago.
The recent complaints have come from Kansas."

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane
symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past
you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the
nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."


A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four
days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your
willpower."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by
himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died,
leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're
depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"



DARWIN AWARD WINNER

THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company 
night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas 
morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was 
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a
safety violation once last year, according to Northern
Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted
that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance
catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave 
dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he
could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station,
where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in
the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. 

For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve
pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned
directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker
had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power
planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in
holiday long-distance calling traffic. 

Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John
Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas
roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise.
Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beer had exploded. 

DarwinAwards.com


George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding
anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the
hotel casino to register at the front desk, a young woman
dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George
brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and
you were so rude to her."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you, dear. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it," insisted
George.

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked
'Bambi' to come up to room 1217. When he hung up the phone,
he said, "Now, Harriet, you hide in the bathroom with the
door open just enough so you can hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened the door
and in walked Bambi, her hips swirling provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

"$125! I was thinking more like $25."

Bambi laughed, "You must be crazy if you think you can buy
sex for that price."

"Well," said George, as he walked he to the door, "I guess
we can't do business..." 

As soon as she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and
remarked, "I just can't believe it! Never in a million years
would I have believed she was a hooker. But you were right,
dear." 

Later that evening, while George and Harriet sipped
cocktails at the hotel casino bar, Bambi appeared and
approached the two of them. She pointed slyly at Harriet,
and said, "Ha! See what you get for $25 mister?"


Q: What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A: A pubic hare.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to
deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. 
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the
laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he
could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little
while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the
baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have
crawled up there in the first place!"


THE RULES OF BUREAUCRACY

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last
10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand,
expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple,
easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs
out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's
always enough time to do it over.


CLASSICAL HUMOR:

"After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor
Piatigorsky, Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?"
"You played relatively well," replied Piatigorsky.

"Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their
harps and ten percent playing out of tune."
-- Igor Stravinsky

When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform
his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."

"I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String
Quartet, if only to discover what a cranky prostate does to
one's polyphony."
-- James Sellars

"Exit in case of Brahms."
-- Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of
Boston Symphony Hall

"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't
like, it's always by Villa-Lobos?"
-- Igor Stravinsky

Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the
Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst
enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed."
-- Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Parsifal -- the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock
and after it has been going three hours, you look at your
watch and it says 6:20."
-- David Randolph

"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first
hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second
time."
-- Gioacchino Rossini

"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."
-- Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress


16 STEPS TO BUILDING A CAMPFIRE

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment
into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in
hand).
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow
gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out
searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled
"kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two army servicemen found a dead animal on the road and
started arguing about what it was. The first one said: "It's
a mule." The other said: "No, its a donkey!" 

They carried on like this for some time before an officer
came along and said: "You fools! This is an ass! Now get
some shovels and bury the thing." 

So they started digging. Along comes another officer and he
asked: "Are you digging a foxhole?" 
Reply: "No sir, we're digging an asshole." 



It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named
ecause that's what many software engineers look like. And,
the worst bug is the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could
result in the following calamities:

Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a
third term.

Chevy might bring back the Vega.

Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for
people to sit in.

Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank
and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.

The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong
rate for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New
York, it might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on
television forever.

Kenneth Starr would lose all of his data and have to start
his investigation over from scratch.

Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and
start blinking NOON NOON NOON.

Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.

If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to
Daylight Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to
endure when we start the 1900's all over again!

Probably the worst fear people have about Y2K is that the
banks will lose all of their data and no one will be able to
get money out. To prevent this, some experts are
recommending withdrawing large amounts of cash and stuffing
your mattress with it, which sounds to me like a pretty good
way to guarantee a back ache. Here's a better idea...
withdraw your money, and send it to me. I promise I won't
lose it to the Y2K bug. I can't promise about the MasterCard
and Visa bug, but better the bug you know than the one you
don't, I always say. (Well okay, I never actually have said
that before.)


Penis Length Survey

1.Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left
testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest
your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q
key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on
the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A
or even the Z key).

2.Grasp your penis in your right hand and slap it firmly
across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance,
the result could be "1234567890-+")

3.Place a copy of Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and
stare intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or
until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions
1.Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the
results.

2.Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or
place two keyboards end to end.

3.If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to
swab it down with alcohol first.

4.On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to
keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE
IT. Test can also be used to diagnose some genital
disorders:

Test Results Diagnosis

1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes
called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.


After getting robbed this guy decides to go to the pet store
and get a really ferocious dog. The guy at the pet store
tells him, "l've got the perfect dog for you." 

So, he shows him a dog that's just sitting there licking his
butt. 

He says to the employee, "This doesn't look like a very mean
dog. Do you have any others?" 

To which the employee responds:

"This is the meanest dog l have. He just got done eating a
lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my
sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his
friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the
adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:

"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"


Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling
and drinking in the company of undesirable characters --
even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The
Rabbi called them into his study the next day.

Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted
that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then
went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried
peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on
them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be
when you turn away from the Law."

A few days later the two students met. One was limping
terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very
tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so
freely? Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas
in your shoes?" 

"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the
Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said 
"But I boiled them first."


Bank Says It Sent Investors Virus In E-Mail 

TOKYO (Reuters) - One of Japan's biggest banks said Friday
it accidentally e-mailed a computer virus to some global
investors last week, but said no harm was done to the
investors' or its own computer network systems.

A spokesman for Fuji Bank Ltd said: "It was sent from a
particular personal computer which we do not normally use.
It's outside our main computer system in which we have
built a solid monitoring structure."

The Financial Times said in a front-page report Friday that
the virus causes the recipient's computer to display an
insulting message on the 14th day of each month calling the
viewer a "big stupid jerk."

It said the e-mail message was about Fuji's plan to tie up
with two other big Japanese banks, announced on Aug 20.

The Fuji spokesman said the virus had come from outside
sources, not from a bank employee.

Fuji, Dai-Ichi Kangyo Bank and Industrial Bank of Japan plan
to start a joint holding company next year to create what
will be the world's biggest banking group in terms of
assets.


An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a
brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any.

After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde
girl, and they go upstairs.

After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping
away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?" 

She replies, "About three nots."

He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"

She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not
getting your money back!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist
group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. 

There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and
only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. 
The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and
flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins
the toss.

A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes 
the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there
scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of
her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand 
old time down below, singing and laughing."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."



A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by
two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race
track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the
toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one
teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't
reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and
began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by
one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I
guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver
Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.


There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious
law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came
from good families. Both are equally attractive and well
spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he
takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" 
In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I
was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a
lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law,
that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all
I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world
did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert
replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in
either of them!"


Two deaf people get married. During the first week of
marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and
misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex
with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If
you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my
right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to
his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want
to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... 
fifty times."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation 
drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do 
anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 
'Take a clean dish'".


BANANA LOAF

You need:

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Directions:
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly
squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl
is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.

Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover
with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief.

Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing
utensils and do not lick the bowl. 

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN!


This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the
Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the
"Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and
the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can't Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,
Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14)(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read
This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16)(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little
Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a
Vegetarian

20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better
Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.


Important Press Release:

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their
product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.

In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 
'Y2KY Jelly'.

Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our
product, is that you can now insert four digits into your
date instead of two"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the
Stanwood/Camano, Wash., News: "Caution, homeowners between
Warm Beach and Stanwood -- Daughter will be learning how to
drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch. Farmers
advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment
and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan
with frightened father aboard."



The Top 11 Signs Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account


11> "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing
into our driveway?"

10> One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while
another is slapping cuffs on you.

9> Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is
about to turn ugly.

8> When you log on, your computer says "You've got
lawsuits!"

7> Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you're
strictly a cow porno kind of guy.

6> You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet
store.

5> Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now
owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4> You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list 
moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3> Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.

2> Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi,
your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Someone's 
Been Using Your Hotmail Account...

1> "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact
information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will
bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."


SIGNS OF FINE AGE...

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your
bi-focals. 

You keep repeating yourself.

You keep repeating yourself.

Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged. 

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. 

You look forward to a dull evening. 

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today." 

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic
reasons. 

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 

Your knees buckle, and your belt won't. 

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95
around the golf course. 

Your back goes out more than you do. 

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You keep repeating yourself.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer a question with, "Because I said so." 

You wear black socks with sandals.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch TV.

You got cable for the Weather Channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 

You keep repeating yourself.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my
Father" class.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of
your pants.

You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

You keep repeating yourself.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.

Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you
retell the same story for the zillionth time.

You run out of breath walking *down* a flight of stairs. 

You sing along with the elevator music. 

You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and
go for the rocker.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their
former teachers.

Conversations with people your own age often turn into
"dueling ailments."

People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon
nap.

Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your
"Estate".


The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it.
If you can't ignore it, top it. 
If you can't top it, laugh at it. 
If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think
I'm going have a wife."



An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness
of heaven and went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel
said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."

St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"

The angel answered, "I like to dance."

"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said,
"but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take
advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will
allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."

"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was
in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel
Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and
danced and had a great time until just seconds remained
of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately
was in heaven again.

Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I
am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."

St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your
musical instrument?"

"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's
Disco!"


Excerpt from an Australian edition of Mills & Boon :

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the
evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly,
musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside
the urban rat race know.

A quiet whispering of the leaves in the weeping willow
overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked as nature intended. I knew I had
to make her mine. And soon. 

Without a word being spoken, I moved myself to a position of
dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she
had been waiting for as she drew herself ever closer to me. 

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until we were fully
one. Then as tension rose, we reached out towards the
ultimate. Although inexperienced, she approached every
change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair
every time I temporarily withdrew. 

As tension heightened towards the ineffable climax, it was
all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both
waiting for came upon us. As it did so we rolled together
in the now damp grass. 

The last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into
the darkness of approaching night and we lay there still
entwined in fierce embrace. I kissed her long and loving
and whispered how good she had been. Tenderly and
sensuously she licked my inner ear and whispered "Baaaa",
before rejoining the flock.


They say the grass is greener on the other side...
but have you ever flipped it over?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't get assholes until they're married.



Lewinsky's Dad Asked To Aid Clinton
By JOSEPH SCHUMAN
Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON (AP) _ Millions of dollars short of covering the
Clinton family's legal bills, officials at President
Clinton's defense fund are nonetheless feeling a little
sheepish about asking for money from one prospective donor:
Monica Lewinsky's father.

Dr. Bernard Lewinsky, who has contributed to the Democratic
Party over the years, recently received a request from the
Clinton Legal Expense Trust asking for help in paying off
the $10.5 million in legal expenses of Clinton and his wife,
Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Lewinsky wrote "Return to sender" on the envelope, scrawling
underneath, "You must be morons to send me this letter!,"
according to a Lewinsky family friend who asked not to be
identified.

Anthony Essaye, the fund's executive director, said
Wednesday that he couldn't confirm the form letter was sent
to Lewinsky but he assumes it was.

"It's just one of those things that happens," Essaye said.
"I'm sorry to burden him with that."

The fund mails its donation requests to lists of people
recommended by a direct mail group, he said.

It's possible the same group is working with the Democratic
National Committee.

Less than a month ago, Lewinsky's friend said, the DNC sent
the father of the former White House intern a photograph of
Clinton and Mrs. Clinton with a fund-raising plea and the
message, "Thank you for your understanding during the last
year."


The American investment banker was at the pier of a small
coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch
them.

The Mexican replied, only a little while. The American then
asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's
immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you
do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fishing and with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the profits from the
bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling
your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing and distribution. You would
need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move
to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will
run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all
take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When
the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public and become very rich. You would
make millions!"

"Millions... Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine and play your guitar with your amigos."



It appears that Lucas uses a formula to create all those
names you see in the Star Wars triology and Phantom Menace
(Jar Jar Binks, Obi Wan, etc.).

To see what your Star Wars name is, follow the steps
below...


Star Wars First Name:

1: Take the first 3 letters of your last name.

2: Add to that, the First 3 Letters of your first name.


Star Wars Last name:

1: Take the first 2 letters of your Mother's Maiden Name. 

2: Add to that, the first 3 Letters of the name of the town
or city you were born in.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had
accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local
ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the
clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they
say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy
slipping the seeds into their pockets."


NEWLY REVAMPED FALL TELEVISION SEASON

NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't

FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode

UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through

WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes

PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out

E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills

ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui

LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman
Husband in Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television

TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigslop!
8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-it!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck

TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora de Goya

CINEMAX
8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)


MILLENNIUM PIE 
(with apologies to Don McLean, American Pie)

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember how

Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.

But January made me shiver,
it chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.

I can't remember back that day
When I first knew the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.

So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Can you write in C plus plus ?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so ?

Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow ?

Well I thought that you were prepared
'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
Your stationery's swell
But you can go to hell

I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
but I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died
I started singin'..

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be

When the luddites read for the king and queen
with a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me

And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned

While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died
We were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass 
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast

Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin

'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Hollerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

There we were all in a state
A generation- really late
With no time left to start again

So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick
'Cause data is the devil's only friend.

As I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched in steam
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell

And as the ball climbed high into the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight
the day computers died.
We were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

I met a girl with a cell phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years before
But the man there said the games there wouldn't play

And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
their interface was spoken
The Internet was broken

And the three things I connect to most
The Website, Lan and the Network host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Copyright Scott McNulty
July 1999

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

WHERE HAVE ALL THE GRANDMAS GONE?

In the dim and distant past 
When life's tempo wasn't so fast, 
Grandma used to rock and knit, 
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam, 
They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym 
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, 
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

Nothing seems to stop or block her, 
Now that Grandma's off her rocker. 


An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the
Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers
in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated
voice asks the bartender, "May I have a gin and tonic,
please, my good man." 

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what
kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" 

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you
fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking
kind of a poofter or something?" 

"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
taxidermist." 

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?" 

"I mount d..d..dead animals." 

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his
mates, "He's one of us!"


THIS IS THE OFFICIAL MORON TEST. 
It's based upon typical graduation requirements at Harvard. 
Try to finish within 2 minutes. When you are done, count
the number correct and see how you compare to others. 

Here we go... morons unite!

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning? 

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. 
...What do you get?

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many
apples are you left with?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour.... How long will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. 
How many sheep are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him
on the ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he
weigh?

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. What was the President's name in 1960?



TEST ANSWERS:

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
Yes. It comes right after the 3rd 
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
One (1). You can only be born once 
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every
inning 
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
No. He must be dead if it is his widow 
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
What do you get?
Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 6 
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many
apples are you lef with?
Two (2). You take two apples. Therefore YOU have TWO
apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only
one hour has passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many
sheep are left?
Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die 
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he
weigh?
Meat ... that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE it's
a dozen 
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.

So, how did we do?

13 CORRECT - GENIUS - you are good.

10-12 CORRECT - ABOVE AVERAGE - but don't let it go to your
head.

7-9 CORRECT - AVERAGE - but who wants to be average?

4-6 CORRECT SLOW - pay attention to the questions!

1-3 CORRECT IDIOT - what else can be said?

0 CORRECT - CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON! 



Everyone always says that Fred Astaire was
a great dancer...
but not only did his partner keep up with him... 
she did it backwards!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Nothing is certain except death and taxes; 
however death doesn't get worse every year.



BUTT PRINTS IN THE SAND

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

~Author unknown


There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and
they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've
been wandering for several days without food and water, and
are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from
dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they
see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a
mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the
stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market
and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush
up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder,
"Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many
days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die
soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you
have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry,
French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a
load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream,
and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands".

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and
move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder,
"Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been
traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the
necessary beverages and foods which are required for
survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us
some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed
"Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the
ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me... all I
have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard
and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a
little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he
said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you..".

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run
on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder,
"Look mate," ('cuz they'd stopped talking funny all of a
sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling
without water for days and need some now. Do you have any
you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as
he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a
bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and
thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a
long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they
went through the market, stall by stall, asking each
stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them,
and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the
same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly
with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires
left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.
As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was
really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all
they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and
hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied...
"Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."



An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. 
A pessimist fears that this is true.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...
They should both be changed regularly and for the
same reason.


A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director 
to hold a graveside committal service at a small local 
cemetery for someone with no family or friends. 

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, 
making several wrong turns. 

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in
sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. 

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid 
already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. 

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the 
workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic
tank."


Here are some lesser known World Records:
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
> > >>> >> >> > Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of > > >>>
>> >> > her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > LONGEST PUBES
> > >>> >> >> > Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32
> > >>> >> >> > inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her
> > >>> >> >> > vagina.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
> > >>> >> >> > Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without
> > >>> >> >> > preparation, completely insert a lubricated
> > >>> >> >> > American football into her vagina.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > ZIT POPPING
> > >>> >> >> > In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
> > >>> >> >> > squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount
> > >>> >> >> > of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > WORST DRINK
> > >>> >> >> > The most horrible drink to be considered a
> > >>> >> >> > beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk
> > >>> >> >> > by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and
> > >>> >> >> > consists of a small amount of still-warm very
> > >>> >> >> > recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a
> > >>> >> >> > potent aphrodisiac.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
> > >>> >> >> > This is available from a few select bars in New
> > >>> >> >> > York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of
> > >>> >> >> > vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash
> > >>> >> >> > of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon
> > >>> >> >> > (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is
> > >>> >> >> > known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
> > >>> >> >> > Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a
> > >>> >> >> > 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold
> > >>> >> >> > the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and
> > >>> >> >> > the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle
> > >>> >> >> > velocity, with 42.7mph.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > LONGEST TURD
> > >>> >> >> > The longest dump ever verified was produced by
> > >>> >> >> > an American, who produced a 'staggering turd'
> > >>> >> >> > over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially
> > >>> >> >> > measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from
> > >>> >> >> > 134 washrooms in his state.
> > >>> >> >> >
> > >>> >> >> > MOST PROLONGED FART
> > >>> >> >> > Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain
> > >>> >> >> > a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42
> > >>> >> >> > seconds.
> > >>>

Mr Cadbury and Mrs Rowntree went off for the weekend.
> >>>>>It was After Eight.
> >>>>>He was wearing an old Mackintosh.
> >>>>>She looked like an Irish Rose.
> >>>>>On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar.
> >>>>>He had a Rum and Butter.
> >>>>>She had a Wine Gum.
> >>>>>He asked her name.
> >>>>>She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole.
> >>>>>(But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought)
> >>>>>Then he touched her Milky Quality Street.
> >>>>>They checked in and went straight to the bedroom.
> >>>>>Mr Cadbury turned out the light.
> >>>>>She said "What did you do that for?"
> >>>>>He said "There's nothing like a bit of Black Magic"
> >>>>>It wasn't long before Mr Cadbury put his hand into her
> >>>>>Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Centre.
> >>>>>Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
> >>>>>But Mrs Rowntree didn't like it as she already had a few Jelly >
>>>>>Babies, That night they slept under the Milky Way.
> >>>>>Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel.
> >>>>>They took off in his Aero while the Scots Clan waved them off. >
>>>>>Sadly, Mr Cadbury caught V.D. due to the fact that Mrs Rowntree > >>>>>had
been with All Sorts.

The Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life......
>The Doctor, Dentist, Milkman, Hairdresser, Interior Decorator, & Banker...
>The Doctor says: "Please take off your clothes."
>The Dentist says: "Now open wide."
>The Milkman says: "Would you like it in the front or in the back?" >The
Hairdresser says: "Do you want it teased or can I blow it?"
>The Interior Decorator says: "Once it's in, you going to just love it." >And
the Banker says: "If you take it out too soon, you will lose interest."


>The 5 Stages of Marital Sex.....
>1. Smurf Sex: When you are on your honeymoon, doing ittill you're blue in the
face.
>2. Kitchen Sex: Still caught up in the romance, having sex anywhere, anytime,
and even on the kitchen table.
>3. Bedroom Sex: Heat of romance wearing off with kids around, so you gotta do
it in the bedroom.
>4. Hallway Sex: Romance gone, you pass each other in the hallway and say,
"Screw you!"
>5. Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced; your spouse screws you one
last time by using the legal system.


This actually happened at UCD (University College Dublin) in October
> of last year. Thought you would find it educational.
>
> In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
> levels found in semen.
> A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked
> "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar > in
male semen?"
> "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical > info.
> Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
> sweet?"
> After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor > girl's
face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she > had inadvertently
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
> without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
> However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was
> classic.. Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
> "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on
> the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a > > >
>cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three > > >
>Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy
> > just
> > >one
> > > >ticket between them.
> > > >"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one
> >
> > >of
> > > >the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the New Zealanders.
> > They
> > > >all board the train. The Aussies take their repective seats but all
> > >three
> > > >New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. > > >
>Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around > > >
>collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket > >
>please".
> > > >The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges
> > > > with a ticket in hand.
> > > >The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it
> > >was
> > > >quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New > > >
>Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with
> > >money,
> > > >and all that).
> > > >When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return > >
> >trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at > > >
>all!!. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
> > >perplexed
> > > >Aussie. "Watch and learn," answers a New Zealander.
> > > >When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon >
> > >after the three New Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train > >
>departs.
> > > >Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and > > >
>walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the
> > >door
> > > >and says, "Ticket please".

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that hung from a burning plane that was
spiralling out of control. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if
they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette
said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she
would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. Problem solved.


Ten things that keep a man going


by Michael H. and Patti Babe


1. Sex (well, the promise of it, anyway; they'll do *anything* for it)

2. Food (except healthy stuff, which is girl- or rabbit-food)

3. Sports (one particular sport, usually)

4. Anything dirty that she won't touch (except real trash)

5. Machinery

6. Anything alive and nasty that she won't touch

7. Any store that doesn't sell food, clothing or crafts

8. Their job (this is what they *want* to do; this means more to them
than does sex)

9. The remote control of any electronic device

10. Sex (it's what they *have* to have; I know I mentioned it before,
but a man can never get enough) 



PINE TREES

A State Trooper pulls a car over on 
a lonely back road and approaches the 
lady driver, a blonde. 

"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're 
weaving all over the road"?

The blonde replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness 
you're here! I almost had an accident! 
I looked up and there was a tree right in 
front of me. I swerved to the left and 
there was another tree in front of me. 
I swerved to the right and there was another 
tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear 
view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's 
your air freshener."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher
> >
> > singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began,"
> >
> > and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what
> >
> > would you have?"
> >
> > "An orgy," Johnny answered.
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > (long but worth it)
> >
> > Dear Bank Manager:
> >
> >
> >
> > I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored
> > to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
> > musthave elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
> > account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
> > automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
> > admit, has only been in place for eight years.
> > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
> > and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
> > inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
> > manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
> > financial ways.

> > You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
> > No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
> > for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the
> > procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
> > greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
> > To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

> > First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
> > calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
> > impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
> > has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh
> > and blood person.

> > My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer
> > be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
> > personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you
> > must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal
> > Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

> > Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require our
> > chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
> > order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
> > there is no alternative.
> > Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> > countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details
> > of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
> > must be accompanied by documented proof.

> > In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
> > must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
> > than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
> > presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
> > service.
> > As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level
> > the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone
> > system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
> > My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> > have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
> > automated voice.
> >
> >
> > By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an
> > extensive set of menus:
> > 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> > 2. To query a missing repayment.
> > 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension
> > of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
> > 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping.
> > Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
> > received;
> > 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> > Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
> > 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
> > 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
> > access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
> > date to the contact.
> > 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
> > 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
> > lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
> > I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are
> > made of marble, With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled
> > with silver That the miners sweated for". After twenty minutes of that,
> > our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious
> > note, we come to the matter of cost.

> > As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
> > efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to
> > pass on to me.
> > Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is
> > the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a
> > fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be
> > billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my
> > account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
> > dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
> > My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
> > doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
> > inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
> > example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
> > of this new arrangement.
> > Best wishes
> > Your humble client



